Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Let's Make Up

I've decided to get all my fashion peeves off my chest this week. I'll call it "Fashion Don't Week".

Today's rant will be on the subject of make up. I'm going to divide it into the categories I find most trouble some.

Let's start with eyes, because there is the most opportunity for trauma here.

First off, let me say that eye brow pencils are tricky. That doesn't make it okay to use a Sharpie Marker instead. It doesn't make it okay to shave off your eyebrows and then draw them back on so that you look perpetually surprised. Eye brow pencils are meant to fill in sparse brows and should – revelation time! – match your eye brow color!

So now that you've got your brows drawn on (evenly, let's hope) lets get some color on those lids. It's never a good idea to match your eye shadow to your car. Okay? Not ever. Also, if you wore it in junior high the color is no longer acceptable. This applies especially to Debbie Gibson Electric Blue Mascara and Wet n' Wild Frosty Snowfall Shadow Trio. While you're at it try to stick to one color family and no more than 2 colors, anymore and you risk looking like Cyndi Lauper circa 1983.

Eyeliner is almost as tricky as brow pencils. Lining the inside of your eyes makes you look high (are you listening MK Olsen?). Lining all the way around your eyes makes them look beady unless it's done in perfect proportion, which is very difficult. Best to skip it unless you've got a lot of practice or you're naturally bug-eyed. Drawing all the way off your lids on to the side of your head is not okay either. It's really; really not okay to then draw another little line through that extension to form a cross or a star or a heart or a tear drop. You are not Boy George. Stick to the top lid and stay close to your lashes. Any color except white is probably going to be okay.

Mascara is my personal favorite product and would be my Survivor luxury item. No, tweezers would be. No, no my GLOCK would be. Wait! Focus! Back to mascara. So many options here and most of them sound like the copy could be reused for penis enhancement ads. Lengthens! Thickens! 400x's Fatter! 24 hour wear! Picking a mascara is a deeply personal experience and can take weeks of searching and prayers before you settle on a path to follow. I personally like Maybelline Lash Expansion in Very Black, but I have about four hundred and eleventy billion tubes of "eh" mascaras. This one gives spider eyes, that one flakes, this one isn't full enough, that one runs to easily. On mascara I give you leeway to choose for yourself with one caveat; if you resemble Tammy Faye Baker in any way, you're using too much.

Now lips. Ah lips. Yesterday (no shit) I saw at least 5 women wearing black lip liner and nude or no lip stick. What the hell were they thinking? One of them had even lined so far outside her lips it looked like she had a brick red cartoon villain goatee & mustache. Really. As far I know there was never a fashion trend that promoted that look. I think it's a Phoenix thing. God I hope it's a Phoenix thing. I would hate to think that women the world over did that. Lip liner should match your lip stick or at most be one shade darker and it should never be the same color as your eye liner. Lip stick with names like "Shell Pink" "Delicate Blossom" and "Flamingo" are reserved for 80 year old Floridian's. Lip sticks with names like "Rage" "Blood" and "Death" are for disillusioned 16 year olds. Glitter isn't for day time. Matte is fine but gets flakey and high shine gets sticky so opt for a mid range. Other than that keep it off your teeth and buy a shade that's darker than your skin tone. And no "mocha" brown if you have a smokers pucker mouth, makes your mouth look like a butt hole.

Foundation….if you can see the "line" where you stopped blending it's the wrong color. Actually, I can make this one really simple, if you can see it you've applied it with a trowel so take some off. Ditto for powder. Unless you're a geisha or a mime the "white face" look is out so no using baby powder on your face.

Finally, let's discuss perfume. True, not a "make-up" but definitely a cosmetic item.
While "layering" scents is good, bathing in them is not. Neither yet is wearing the same scent as your grandmother (yes I mean White Shoulders and Jean Nate'). Any scent that requires a shower to remove (Ciara) or is the same color as Guinness is probably also not a good choice. Women shouldn't wear man's cologne nor should men wear women's' perfume. This includes rubbing magazine inserts on yourself. A light spritz is good, after all you can always reapply but you don't want to leave a scent trail skunk style in your wake. When I think of perfume I always think of the commercial with the gum snapping receptionist who leaves dead plants in her wake. Don't let that be you.

God, I feel so much better now. This is really cathartic for me.

Tomorrow let's talk about accessories!

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