Thursday, August 20, 2009

Phobia

As if there wasn't enough evidence of my mental illness, I submit to you the following evidence.

I am completely convinced that every time I lift the lid of the toilet, I am going to find a snake.

Seriously.

I can not pee in the dark. I can't pee if I can't see the water. I can't pee if I don't first look into the toilet to ensure that there is not, in fact, a snake coiled in the bowl waiting to lunge out and bite me on the hoo ha.

There is no basis for this fear. It's not as if I have ever found anything more malicious than an unflushed turd in the toilet. But still. THERE COULD BE A SNAKE IN THE TOILET, you just NEVER KNOW. It totally happened in that movie Snakes on a Plane and that guy got his weiner bit and then he TOTALLY DIED, y'all. DIED.

This isn't a fear that I admit to because my husband is an asshole who would find it terribly amusing to leave a rubber snake in the toilet just to hear me scream.

Just when I think I've talked myself out of it, just when I think that I am being irrational, I see this article.

Which includes this picture.





THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING TOILET. It swam up the pipes. A SNAKE SWAM UP THE PIPES AND INTO THE TOILET. A real mother fucking snake swam into the sewer and up the pipes and INTO THE TOILET.

For reals.

I'm never going to pee again.

8 comments:

  1. sheilaAugust 20, 2009 at 10:30 AM

    OK, and now I will never pee again.

    Now I'm off to the store to buy Depends...

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  2. KrëgAugust 20, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    I'd say it was an isolated incident, but I'd be lying.

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  3. ChibiAugust 20, 2009 at 12:31 PM

    I've heard stories like this before and I, too, have to look before I sit. *shivers*

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  4. LinAugust 20, 2009 at 1:58 PM

    Eww...I hate snakes! Especially snakes in a toilet. Ugh, I'm never going to be able to just sit down on a toilet again.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Racie LoverAugust 20, 2009 at 1:59 PM

    I sure can't show this to Paco, who is deathly afraid of even cute, adorable little garden snakes. EEECK!

    My father built an old-fashioned outhouse on our farm years ago and one day while we were cutting firewood I said I need to use the loo. He said "Well, now hold on there a minute, cause Farmer Jerry down the road found a black widow spider under the toilet seat in his outhouse, so I better just check ours first". Sure enough, there underneath the seat was a big, fat black widow spider, lying in wait for me to have a sit down. I decided to wait until we got back to town.

    Thystle, the reason you are afraid of snakes is very Freudian, but I'm sure you know that. Do you have a sausage phobia, too, by chance?

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  6. OHNAugust 20, 2009 at 4:03 PM

    I say we all go over to Kregs place and unplug his computer and keep him from doing any links from now on.

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  7. RobinAugust 20, 2009 at 7:35 PM

    Yes that happened once to a friend!! totally a holy shit moment!

    My big toilet fear is those outhouses in parks, you know those with deep pits. As a kid we spent a lot of time at the lake camping and such those type of outhouse were every where. I wouldn't go to them at night at all. I'd rather walk down and pee in the lake but not those outhouses. I could imagine a man down in that pit with a mask and snorkel waiting for me to sit down and pull me into that pit of shit!!

    when I told my dad all he did was laugh at me. Hey! It's my fear and it's real!
    So I can relate to your snake thing.

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  8. Baylee and Blair's pageAugust 21, 2009 at 6:06 AM

    Girl... I TOTALLY do the same thing! Only because a friend of our's actually had this happen to him. After he got OFF the shitter he turned around to look (I'm assuming after he scoped out his turd) to see a water mocasin in the toliet! yikers!!!

    Hugs - Tiff

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