Miss Behaving

I confess. I watch really, really bad reality television. The sort of TLC shows that make me scream at the television until someone takes away the remote and brings me a cold compress and a shot of Jameson's.

Shows like "My Monkey Baby" and "Love me Love my Doll" make my eye go all twitchy with the hilarious, awesome wrongness. "Obese and Pregnant" makes me stampy and "I Pooped a Baby" (aka: I didn't know I was pregnant, I think) makes me shrieky.

The one that REALLY does me in though is "Toddler and Tiara's". Don't get me wrong, I'm all for parading around in too much make up and inappropriate clothing and insisting that people tell me I'm beautiful. But I'm an adult. And frequently abusive to both controlled and legal substances. Asking a child, a wee impressionable (demon) darling to forfeit playing with Barbies in favor of being one is just...creepy.

Leaving aside the whole JonBennet Ramsey argument, I have to wonder what sort of fucked up psychology leads a parent (an unattractive, often over weight, definitely past her prime mother) to declare that one identical twin is "beautiful" and the other is not. THEY'RE IDENTICAL YOU TWAT.

It's the sort of rabid for fame mentality that leads to this . Not the web site, I don't mean, because THAT is rather brilliant, but the horrible objectification of children that leads both the kids and the parents to believe that they're not good enough as they are.

Not to mention how the really crap photoshop skills cause the kids to look like the spawn of Jessica Rabbit and Ronald McDonald.

Seriously. It's creepy. Especially the first one and the baby with the Wilma Flintsone updo. HOW CAN A BABY HAVE AN UPDO? With fucking pearls? What the fuck is WRONG with these parents?

Go check it out.

(thanks to CK for the link)

Ouiser Says

Dear People who move their cell phone in front of their mouth to talk and move it back to their ear to listen,

YOU ARE A DUMBASS. Have you every heard of this little technology called sound amplification? I know it's a recent development, having only been around since like 1830. This miracle of science means that even though microphone is two inches from your noise hole it can detect sound! I'm not even making this up! When you say "'Sup Bitches!" it can actually receive those syllables without being crammed down your larynx!

If you haven't heard of this technology, who are you not currently wearing mittens and a ball gag for your own safety?

If you HAVE heard of this wicked little cool transducer and you STILL are doing it then I insist you immediately procure and don a helmet and a reflective sweater. And mittens and a ball gag. And you better find a leash so that someone who doesn't eat paste and crackers for lunch can keep you from wandering into traffic.

Jeesushatesyou,

Kiki

PS. I bet you also think that if you keep pushing the elevator button the carriage comes more quickly don't you?

Ouiser says

Enough, already. I'm not even kidding here, chickens. I'm at my wits end. If I had wits and I think we can all agree that at times that's debatable.

I've been treated for clinical depression off and on for about fifteen years. I was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance related anxiety disorder last spring. And now? Panic attacks too? Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?

If I didn't drink so much I'd probably be really screwed up.

Ouiser Says

Is it too damn much to ask for a hair volumizer that doesn't make my hair crunchy or sticky or weird smelling or greasy looking?

I mean COME ON. NASA announced today that one of the astronauts has worn the same underpants for a month thanks to a technological advancement that makes them repel odors and no one can manage to find a way to make my poor, flat hair look just a wee bit less sad?

Seriously. Unacceptable.

Ouiser Says

If the out going phone message says that a business is closed for the day and will not return until the following business day, leaving NINE increasingly rude messages demanding a call back during the time that the business is closed means that you are an asshole with listening comprehension issues.

It also means that I will delete every single message with out listening to them.

Because I have the power.

Ouiser Says

I do not want to hear a fourteen year old boy, who sounds like a ten year old girl, singing about "eternal love" and "sharing a life". Seriously. What the fuck? Kids at that age still need to be told to brush their teeth! He doesn't even need to shave! What does he know about eternal anything?

Oh, wait. To a teenager, FOREVER, is like, how long it like takes to like down load a song from iTunes. So I guess "Eternal Love" would end some times next Thursday during third hour math.

Never mind.

Ouiser Says

STAND UP STRAIGHT. Seriously. Stop slouching. It makes you look slovenly. It makes you look unintelligent. It makes you look like PARIS SLUTPANTS HILTON.

Also,

STOP SAYING "HUH" when you need to convey that you haven't heard or possibly haven't understood what was said. Try "excuse me" or "I'm sorry?" or perhaps, even, "can you repeat that?" "HUH" is one of the most annoying sounds that I have ever heard. It trumps the using of acronyms as words. Like ASAP pronounced "ay-sap". Stop it.

Furthermore,

NO MORE TEXT SPEAK when you're not texting. Use punctuation. Use capitals and for heaven's sake stop spelling "come" as in "come here" like "cum" as in, well, cum.

See?

NOT OKAY.

Spoon Fed

There are two things I'm absolutely sick of hearing about. One is the swine flu. Seriously. This is not a pandemic, people. It's less than 200 confirmed infected cases WORLD WIDE and less than a dozen deaths. Do you know how many people die each year of regular strains of the flu in America alone? Between thirty and fifty thousand.

Yet, because the news media is telling us we're all going to die, drug store aisles are cleared of hand sanitizers and face masks. They should be calling this SHEEP FLU.

Secondly I'm tired to death of the drama about Miss California's response in regards to gay marriage. Do I agree with her stance? No, not at all. Do I think she's using religion as a crutch? Yes. But for fucks sake, people, the question was not "what does most of America think about gay marriage" it was what did SHE think about it. It's not an issue of being right or wrong, moral or immoral. She was asked for her opinion and she gave it. So, kudos to her for standing up for her own beliefs. That's the whole point of freedom of speech; to be able to say any thing that comes to mind. Short of, I suppose yelling FIRE in a theater. Or you know, saying I have a fat ass. That's just uncalled for. But just as people don't want to be told whom they can and can not love, so should they afford Miss California the ability to say what she thinks. Otherwise, they're simply no better than they accuse her of being.

The whole point of life, in my potentially dumbass, loudmouthed, self-serving and opinionated opinion is that you are turned loose on the world to find you way. To think for yourself. To find love where you can. To believe in something and stand behind it.

If life in America and it's constant barrage of new media hand holding and sensationalizing has taught me anything at all, it's that you've got to stand for something or your ass will organically bond to the toilet seat of your single wide and you'll have to be removed with a crane and you can damn sure bet that the angle the camera uses won't be flattering.

Ouiser, Once again

If you have a question, a comment, or a complaint and it necessitates that you telephone me, for the love of God, do it your damn self. Do not hand the phone to your girlfriend, wife, mother, random drunken hobo and then, from the back ground ask them to ask me things while they then relay my answers. It is fucking annoying, takes twice as long and inevitably means that something will be lost in the translation since chances are your minion has no idea what the hell we're talking about.

Further more, it's lazy and rude. Men. Oh yes, it's always men. Seriously, what is so hard about picking up a phone, pushing a few numbers and then asking me your damn self? You're NOT THAT IMPORTANT and since you're right fucking there asking the questions you're also clearly NOT THAT BUSY. You're lazy and selfish and you need your ass kicked.

Ouiser Says

If you call someone and say "I have to tell you something and you can't tell ANYONE" it better be something like "I ate 14 hershey bars today" NOT something like "Hey, you know X? Well, she's a polygamist and her sister-wife is having a baby in three weeks and they're also all swingers!" becauset THAT kind of news NEEDS to be shared.

Ouiser Says

Yes, you have a penis. It's lovely. I'm sure it's the most wonderful penis in the history of penises. Penii? Whatever. The point is, I don't need to hear about it every single damn day. You don't talk about your foot. You didn't give your left ear a name. You never regale us with the exploits of your elbow. Why is Mr. Winkie so special, hm? I've seen it and I'm sure that *I* don't know...!

Ouiser Says

If your wife says, "What do you think of my haircut?" The proper response is never "You look like an aging lesbian".

(hair cut in question)

Love Letter, version 2

Hi Honey,

I just wanted to clear a few things up. There seems to be some misunderstanding about what needs to be done in order for the house to not look like the aftermath of some sort of horrendous natural disaster. You know, since your mom, grandma and sister are coming for the weekend. For the first time in eight years. I'm pretty sure that the following things are merely just a miscommunication. Probably you learned them from watching the Spike Channel, which you know, I totally understand, but sit-coms are like porn; They're not real. Well mostly not real. Because that guy from According to Jim? Would totally never pull Courtney in real life.

So, just for future reference, I thought I'd clear up the following;

* Lifting your feet while I vacuum around you isn't considered "helping" with the vacuuming.

* Drawers go in Drawers. See how easy that is to remember? Underpants go inside the dresser, not on top of it. But you were very close, so yay you!

* Windex and 409 aren't interchangeable. Neither are baking soda and baking powder.

* Your "junk" will not "fall off" if you step foot inside a grocery store. I promise. And if it does? We'll sue Safeway and get you new, better junk okay?

* Karate chopping the center of a pile of laundry and folding it in half, is, while humorous, not at all what I meant and you know it.

* Dogs are not cats, they do not wash themselves.

* Dust is not a "new decorating trend" which is too bad, because we'd totally kick some design ass.

* I will make your mother f$&)*% dinner in a damn minute, okay? The mop is making it hard to reach to stove. Additionally, moaning about your belly button rubbing a hole in your back bone is far more effective with out the empty bag of chip and bowl of dip sitting beside you on the couch.

and lastly, for now anyway,

* Laying down on the sheets while I'm trying to make the bed and then whining about the fact I don't want to "do it" with you right there on the pile of clean bedding, is a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever want to do it with you. In fact, it may drive me to doing it with someone else, and you'll go blind from rubbing your winky. And then how would you watch porn?

So, anyway,if you should have any questions about any of this, then blow it out your hole, okay? Because I still have windows to wash.

Love,

Me

Little Words

If I tell you every day, two, three, four times, that you are my heart, that you make me feel safe, that I would spend every minute of every day of forever with you, that I love you, does it make you feel trapped? Do three words become your prison or do they set you free?

If I never told you that the smell of your neck is like a drug, that your smile makes my heart skip a beat or that every time I hear your voice I smile, would you forget that I love you?

I wish you knew that each day that passes with out I love you I drift a bit farther down the stream of happily ever after headed to the ocean of what used to be. Your silence speaks louder than you know.

Does I love you get stronger or weaker each time it's said? I wish I knew, because the answer may be the only thing that brings us back to us.

Ouiser Says

Some people think the Bible is the greatest book ever. I disagree. I say it's the phone book. Because really, when was the last time the BIBLE ever helped you find an all night pizza place that delivers AND excepts pennies for payment? HMM? NeVeR, that's when.

Ouiser comes to visit

- Yesterday, I saw a bum riding a bicycle with a 35 gallon trash can strapped to his back and a bag from each handlebar with 2 boxes each of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I thought about running him down and stealing his doughnuts, but then I figured they were probably stale anyway, so I didn't.

- It's bulk garbage week in our neighborhood. That's where you can put out anything non-hazardous and the city will take it. I put out the dogs cracked wading pool, some yard waste and some old modular shelves. Yesterday, when I came home, someone had taken half my trash and spread the rest over my driveway. Seriously. If you're going to steal my trash, at LEAST have the manners to pile it back up!

- I figured I'd cheer myself up a little by playing ball with my dogs. So I locate a newish yellow tennis ball from under the hedge and toss it to into the yard. The dogs go running willy-nilly, or you know, as willy-nilly as a dog with the shape of a walrus can run, and come tearing back hell bent for leather and one drops the ball and my feet. And then pees on it. And my feet. Which were bare.

- I spent all day cleaning on Sunday. Mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleared away about 200 magazines and catalogues and junk mail. Then I straightened the shelves, organized the hall closet and washed 6 loads of laundry. This morning, after my family spent ONE DAY in the house? It looks like a hurricane went through there. WTF, People? Is it THAT FRICKEN HARD to take your glass to the kitchen and your bag to your room? Are you fundamentally incapable of understanding the concept of "if you got it out, put it back?" It's not rocket surgery. It's called good manners. A concept that clearly eludes them.

- So I thought, you know what? I'll make lemon bars. Who can be cranky when faced with lemon bars? Surely, I will return to my mostly-cheerful self? Oh, goody! I think, I have just enough eggs. Then, just as I'm cracking the last one, the doorbell rings, the dogs bark and I do this.


Yeah, I cracked the egg and poured it into the carton instead of the bowl. Lovely.

- Undaunted I go to find my husband. My (alledged) source of strength and comfort. "Give me some kisses" I demand "I'm having a bad day" and you know what he says? "No, you make me sick." Now, he was probably referring to the fact we're passing around some kind of illness, but damn. OUCH.

- But I soldiered on. I watch some TV, I fold the last of the laundry, I go to bed. This morning, I get up, mostly restored to my usual even temper and good humor and ten minutes ago, M calls. Only, it's her ass calling me, because I overhear an entire conversation about what a "stupid bitch" I am. This after I loaned her a pair of shoes and gave her an extra $5 for after school.

- And to top it all off, a very dear friend has taken to blowing me off. When we do talk, things are just...not right. I'm at a loss as to what has happened, what has changed and they're not saying either.

So that, kids, is what's the matter. A whole lot of things that on their own are not that big of a deal. Kind of funny even in some cases. But added together, it's a lot. Too much. And so I am just...off, I guess. Not myself. I promise, with the proper application of whiskey my good humor will return. Probably. What the heck, it's 8am. I might as well start now...

Ouiser Says....

Just because you can get them on. Doesn't make them your size.

Ouiser says....

When I see a really unattractive girl out on a date, I feel both happy and sad.

Happy that, you know, ugly girls can find love.

Sad that I immediately assume it's because she gives good head.