Psych!

Reason number  a lot that I'm going to hell;

I was on the elevator just now coming back from lunch when a two year old little girl announces to me very cheerfully

"You gots a BABY in you tummy!"

And for just a moment, I glanced over at her mother, face frozen in horror, clearly praying that I'm not going to go all pyscho fat bitch homicide baby killer on her, praying that her sweet little pigtailed oracle hasn't just commited the ultimate faux pas, and for just a moment, perhaps a moment too long, I contemplate bursting into tears as though mortally offended.

But I? I HAVE TURNED A CORNER and I'm all cherubic and shit and so I said "Yep!" and let the mother breathe again.

Where's my fucking gold star?

For Starters

Me: Okay, but how the hell did a vampire get someone pregnant? He's dead. His stuff would be all dried up.

Shush: Seriously? That's the plot hole you're fixating on?

Me: Until they reveal Kristin Stewart is really a zombie, yes.

Unlike what happens in Vegas, which ends up on the internet.

Bum: Excuse me beautiful lady, do you have any change?

Me: Nope, sorry.

Bum: That's okay, we can still get married.

Me: I've already got a husband.

Bum: Damn, girl. That's okay. We don't have to tell him. What happens downtown can stay downtown!

And then Kiki died laughing

Scene: Victoria's Secret Christmas Eve day

Nervous looking Man: My girlfriend wants the big boob bra in purple. She's...um...a size small?

Sales Girl: Okay, great! Do you know what cup size?

NLM: Um. I....I don't know (scopes girls around him looking for similar boobs)

SG: Okay, are they more the size of apples, oranges or grapefruits?

NLM: (thinks hard)

NLM: Lemons.

Straight to Hell

M: MOM.* Why do that Mormons have a statue of Mowgli on top the thingie on their temples?

Me: Because they're telling Jesus "You!I wanna be like you-oo-oo I wanna talk like you Walk like you, too! You'll see it's true! Someone like me can learn to be Like someone like me Can learn to be Like someone like you Can learn to be Like someone like me!"

(*aside - M starts EVERY sentence she says to me with MOM. Not a question, not an alert that she means to speak to me, just a single word demand. MOM.)

So I adopted him

J's friend Dr. Brain came over yesterday with his little guy Robbie. Robbie is four and patently adorable. He calls me Miss Thystle. I know, right? He calls M "Miss Boo". HIGH cute factor in this one.

When they got there I was in the process of cleaning house. Robbie, who had never been to our house before was wandering around looking at stuff.

"You've got a picture of Miss Boo as a cowboy!"

"You've got so many books!"

"Your house is old! It's like a museum!"

As he was standing in the living room examining the knick-knacks around the TV he reaches over and runs a finger down the TV screen. Excitedly he turns that line into an "R" and then writes his whole name with his adorable little fingers in the dust on the TV screen before turning to me, face alight, huge smile radiating ear to ear and says

"I can write my name on this TV! I LOVE IT!"

I'm pretty sure his dad wanted to die, but *I* gave that little moppet a bag of M&M's because really, how awesome is that? To be excited by dust? Then I made his day even more awesome by handing him the swifter duster and letting him dust everything he could reach.

As they were leaving he runs over and hugs me and then with his most polite manners says

"Miss Thystle? I love your house. Can I come over and help you next week?"

OH HELL YES you can little man.

What are you trying to say?

(in the middle of cleaning out the garage I discover I must run to Wal-Mart, I run inside to get my purse)

Me: Want to go with me?

M: Where are you going?

Me: Wal-Mart

M: Are you going dressed like that?

(looks down at baggy jeans and oversized Seahawks teeshirt)

Me: Yes.

M: Then no way.

Strong Enough For a Man

Hsb: Feel my face!

Me: (feels face)

Hsb: Smooth, right?

Me: yeah, actually, it's way smoother than usual.

Hsb: That's because I used one of your Venus Breeze refills! They fit my shavers handle. You should buy me some more of those.

Me: I'm pulling your man card.

Hsb: Who cares? I've got a face like a baby's butt

Me: Yes, yes you do.

Worst. Kid. Ever.

(after noticing a particularly disheveled and unattractive woman dropping her children off at school)

Me: You're so lucky to have a pretty Mom.

M: I'm ADOPTED?

Me: I hate you.

M: I know.

Head/Desk

You remember that one time when you were a kid and you were a little distracted and maybe kind of sleepy and you called the teacher mommy? And then you were so embarrased that if there had been a big boiling vat of lava you would have thrown yourself into in so that you wouldn't have to live with the shame anymore?

Well that's nothing compared to telling your boss that you love him at the end of a phone call.

I know because I checked

J: are you eating cucumbers AGAIN?

me: (mouth full) maybe

J: I think that you might need an intervention

me: no way.

J: seriously, you have an addiction

Me: nope. There's no twelve step program for it so there's no way it's an addiction.

Warped Minds

(by text)

Me: Whatcha doing?

CG: Guess =P

Me: Using Tapioca pudding as a masturbatory aid while watching midget she-male porn and listening to Yanni?

CG: No. But that sounds like fun.

What's yours is mine

(observing that M has drug in the largest suitcase that we own in preparation for her summer away)

Me, magnanimously : "You can borrow my green plaid shirt if you want to."

M, wickedly: "Thanks, I already packed it."

Dumification

M: "Aren't Dodo's like the national bird of Canada or something?"

Me: "uh, no."

M: "Oh. That's right. Canada's flag has a leaf so they don't have a national bird"

Me: SIGH.

Thank you, come again.

I swear to you guys that I never beat my kid about the head. I mean, sure, she's brain damaged, but that was totally not my fault. And anyway, I think the fact that she's "special" has less to do with getting her head slammed through a window and more to do with the fact that she's blond.

I could seriously have an entire blog about the retarded shit that M says. But then y'all would think that I let her eat a bowl of Lead n' Paint Flakes for breakfast and then wash it down with a glass of stupid.

But sometimes, OMG, sometimes she says some things that make me sit back and regret that I huffed gas fumes while I was pregnant.

Last night as we sat watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF she turns to me with deep concern and complete seriousness and says

"Can you get mittens with out the little thumby thingy? You know, like for people who don't have thumbs or whatever?"

Completely desensitized to such completely idiotic questions I replied

"Yeah, they're called SOCKS"

before thinking that HOLY SHIT, My kid is going to grow up to be a Wal-Mart greeter.

Public School

M: ok whats with the ay on the end of ok... i cnt believe u cant spell ok

me: that is how you spell "okay" you idiot

Wiki-whacked

M: Why do they drive on the right side of the car in England?

Me: I don't know, go look it up

(disappears to use the computer)

M, upon returning: It's so they have easier access to their sword arm, so they can like, sword fight with other drivers or something.

One for the Divorce Papers

(while watching American Experience special about Geronimo, we learn that Geronimo gave his father in law a large number of horses is exchange for his first wife)

Me: That's so sweet!

Husband: I'd have given your dad a donkey for you. But I would have needed a goat back as change.

Well YOU sound like a blonde

M: is that guy from Aqua German?

Me: no, I think he's Swedish

M: oh, well he has a really deep voice, so I figured he had to be German.

Best Phone Call Ever!

In a phone call just now;

Me: Good Morning (my job)

Lady's Voice - Oh my god! HAHAHAHA. I, just....hahaha GO FUCK YOURSELF!

Me: um...hello?

LV - Seriously! If you'd seen that llama yesterday! You would want a bigger box of condoms too! HAHAHAHA

(phone goes dead) (Damn) (because I want to know about the Llama and the condoms!)