Why My Child Needs Therapy

(I wave a piece of paper tauntingly in front of M)

M: What's that?
Me: What, this?
M: Yeah, what did you think I meant?
Me: Cat sex
M: What?
Me: CAT SEX, Bow chica MEOW MEOW
M: OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO ODD
Me: Oh yeah?
M: Yeah, and you know something else?
Me: Cat sex
M: Stop it!
Me: CAT SEX CAT SEX CAT SEX
M (woefully): Why do I even talk to you?
Me (cheerfully): Beats me!

Unsaid

The truth is that I don't know what to think any longer. I hear the words you say to me and I believe them. I see too, the actions that you take and I believe them as well.

What speaks the loudest are the words that you don't say; the things that you don't do.

The choked back words ring in my ears and the withheld kisses linger on my lips.

You wonder what is wrong.

I tell you. I told you. I've said it until the words no longer make sense. What, then, is the point any longer of saying them? Either you believe me or you don't. My actions and my words are true. I promised you the truth of my heart and you have it.

I don't have yours.

I am beginning to believe it's no longer worth wanting.

Hair Shirt for the non-Hirsute

Note that it comes complete with Jersey Bling.

Hirsute

You know what's sexy? This;

Don't you just swoon? I know I do. MmM. Thystle LIKES.

And you know what is so close to that? And yet so, so far away? This;

I hope you weren't eating breakfast....

Color Blind Generation

(scene: M hops in the car after school)

M: Uh, don't be mad, but my teacher is probably going to call you tonight

Me: What did you do now?

M: It wasn't MY fault!

Me: No, of course not. Why would I possibly think that?

M: I know, right?

Me: Spill it. You're expelled right?

M: Not yet, but well, Mr. G? You know my physic's teacher? He was like "you guys are too loud" and then he looked right at me and Not-Erin and we weren't even talking and then, like a few minutes later he turns back around and tells me I have to move and I said "It's because I'm black, isn't it?"

Infinite Playlist

This morning on the way to work, they played Dolly Partons "9 to 5" which I must admit I love.

And it got me thinking, I need a good old fashioned mix tape (and by mix tape, I mean "iPod playlist" with awesome songs like that on it.

So I sat down to write a list. Thus far it's got "9 to 5" on it.

Can you kids help me?

Imaginary BookClub, For Reals

Hi Peeps!

So, yesterday, it occured to me that most of us are pretty avid readers. And then I thought, HEY! What if we had a real imaginary book club?

Do you kids want to do that? We could pick a book and then post reviews/opinions/discuss in the comments.

Whattaya say?

This week I'm reading

read the reviews here . I purchased it on sale at Barnes and Noble, in hardback for under $5

Imaginary BookClub

The lovely and talented Miss Lorrie Veasey did a one sentence book review a few weeks ago and I thought it was total brill.

So I thought to myself, self, (that's what I call me; "self") I thought, "self, you could totally do that one of these days when you don't have anything to blog" and then I said "uh, you mean like every day?" and then Self got all uppity with me and I had to go all Christian Bale on her ass and now no one at Starbucks will sit by my anymore, which is fine, because I prefer that my companions do not smell like cheese anyway.

Without further ado (and by "ado" I mean "crazy rambling"), I have reviewed this months reading list for you.


The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Summary: Desperate times mean desperate measures and also lots of walking.
Verdict: No matter how bad things seem, there are good guys out there.


The Year Of Fog by Michelle Richmond

S; A little girl is lost...or is she?
V: The ones who love you most will never give up on you.


Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler

S: Can you really walk away from your whole life?
V: Not if you can't leave yourself behind too.


The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox by Maggie O'Farrell

S: What happens when the forgotten are not gone?
V: "Female hysterics" aren't funny.


Duma Key by Stephen King

S: Lose your arm, gain some crazy

V: Fresh water pools only from now on.

The Host by Stephenie Meyer

S: Resistance isn't futile andassimilation isn't certain.

V: Aliens kick Vampire ass.

One Word Wednesday

SCORE!

99 Bottles of Beer

Have you ever, as an adult I mean, spent 5 hours in the back seat of a car with your knees scrunched up, a Dramamine high, and people squabbling in the back seat as your family drives to some destination where, when they arrive, they will spend ten minutes, visit the gift shop and then get BACK in the car and drive ANOTHER 5 hours home?

Yeah, me too. And it was super awesome. I did learn some interesting family gossip. Like J's great grandmother was a big ol' slut. Well, actually "a hussy" according to her daughter, who is still not over it 78 years later.

I also got to excersize my new camera taking pictures like this

of my sister in law, which despite my best begging and whining, she refuses to use as her Match.com profile picture.

And pictures like this

which almost looks fake, doesn't it?

And even pictures like this

That smile? Only cost me $5 to get out of her!

Oh, and in case you were wondering, you can Google the difference between Ravens and Crows while standing about 5 feet from the edge of one of the worlds greatest natural wonders, but my husband will still never admitt he was wrong. Even though he was. And I was right. Like always. So suck on that, punk!

True Stories

* The bum that lives in the bus stop was wearing the Statue Of Liberty costume in front of Jackson Hewitt today. He had all his bum-clothes, including fingerless gloves and a pink beanie on underneath the costume.

* Facebook really, really wants me to be friends with several of my ex-boyfriends. You know what Facebook? You've got a pretty fucked up sense of humor. Let's make out.

* I had the following conversation with M yesterday;

M: You know that song? Flying Purple People eater?

Me: Yeah?

M: and how it says "One eyed, one horned"?

Me: Yeah?

M: I'm pretty sure it's about a penis.

* If you give a dog a wipe down with a shampoo dampened towel, thinking that it will be quicker and make less of a mess, that dog will wiggle and laugh and leave so much damp hair on you that you'll look like you just fucked a yeti.

* What? Like you never think about wild yeti sex? I don't believe you.

* M is pretty convinced that the internets are laughing at her. So she wants me to tell you that she is "too legit, too legit to quit" and also, that it's Hammer Time. I pointed out that would probably not help, but she just kept dancing. So I videoed it. If I was more techy I'd figure out how to email and post it. But I'm not, so you'll just have to take my word for it, a teenager doing the hammer dance in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart is pretty damn funny, but still not the weirdest thing that happens there.

* I work with a bunch of manly men motorcycle type dudes. They've got like 93,457 pictures of naked-ish ladies all over the office. But they made me put post-it pasties over the nipples of my shirtless fireman calender.

* We're going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow. It's 70* here in the Valley, which is why people come to visit us, so we're going to take them to the only place in the whole state with daily highs near freezing. Because we're good hosts like that.

* A few years ago, I saw a psychic and she said I would have two kids and you know what? That's a pretty fucked up thing to tell someone. I'm still freaked out about that. I now set an alarm on my Crackberry to remind me to take that wee little pill each and every day.

* Husband fixed my water pump on the Juice last Saturday and it took, and I'm not even exaggerating one little bit, EIGHT trips to three different auto parts store.

* I saw the most wonderful, fantastic, CLASSY... No, let's make that KLASSIEST thing ever. EVER. I would have bought it, but frankly, I'm pretty sure I have too many teeth and not enough Nascar related tattoo's. And what, you may ask is this beautiful treasure? This paragon of style?

That's right, it's a LIMITED EDITION Jeff Burton Crock Pot! PERFECT for beanie-weines on Dayton 500 day!

And with that, I leave you. Because I still have like, um, 12 or 30 reports to finish for my year end files that must be completed, approved, signed off on, transmitted, filed in triplicate and probably at least one other step I'm forgetting, all before Monday at noon.

Love Letter, version 2

Hi Honey,

I just wanted to clear a few things up. There seems to be some misunderstanding about what needs to be done in order for the house to not look like the aftermath of some sort of horrendous natural disaster. You know, since your mom, grandma and sister are coming for the weekend. For the first time in eight years. I'm pretty sure that the following things are merely just a miscommunication. Probably you learned them from watching the Spike Channel, which you know, I totally understand, but sit-coms are like porn; They're not real. Well mostly not real. Because that guy from According to Jim? Would totally never pull Courtney in real life.

So, just for future reference, I thought I'd clear up the following;

* Lifting your feet while I vacuum around you isn't considered "helping" with the vacuuming.

* Drawers go in Drawers. See how easy that is to remember? Underpants go inside the dresser, not on top of it. But you were very close, so yay you!

* Windex and 409 aren't interchangeable. Neither are baking soda and baking powder.

* Your "junk" will not "fall off" if you step foot inside a grocery store. I promise. And if it does? We'll sue Safeway and get you new, better junk okay?

* Karate chopping the center of a pile of laundry and folding it in half, is, while humorous, not at all what I meant and you know it.

* Dogs are not cats, they do not wash themselves.

* Dust is not a "new decorating trend" which is too bad, because we'd totally kick some design ass.

* I will make your mother f$&)*% dinner in a damn minute, okay? The mop is making it hard to reach to stove. Additionally, moaning about your belly button rubbing a hole in your back bone is far more effective with out the empty bag of chip and bowl of dip sitting beside you on the couch.

and lastly, for now anyway,

* Laying down on the sheets while I'm trying to make the bed and then whining about the fact I don't want to "do it" with you right there on the pile of clean bedding, is a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever want to do it with you. In fact, it may drive me to doing it with someone else, and you'll go blind from rubbing your winky. And then how would you watch porn?

So, anyway,if you should have any questions about any of this, then blow it out your hole, okay? Because I still have windows to wash.

Love,

Me

One Word Wednesday

Alrightythen.

Slumdog Non-millionaire

Me: I'll be back in a little bit

J: Going to meet your boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, we're going to make out in the adult diaper aisle of Costco

J: that's fine. Make sure he can afford to keep me in the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed.

Me: Poverty?

J: I prefer to think of it as "financially challenged".

But Do You Get Dental With That?

Honestly, I think I should take a break from blogging. My malaise is just too stultifying. But just when I think I'm going to pack it in, to leave y'all a love note to say I'll be gone for a while and to keep the home fires burning, I have a conversation like this;

Me: Did you write your career day paper?

M: Yeah

Me: Well what did you say you're going to be?

M: A Vampire Pirate Ninja

Me: Of course, silly me.