True Stories

* The bum that lives in the bus stop was wearing the Statue Of Liberty costume in front of Jackson Hewitt today. He had all his bum-clothes, including fingerless gloves and a pink beanie on underneath the costume.

* Facebook really, really wants me to be friends with several of my ex-boyfriends. You know what Facebook? You've got a pretty fucked up sense of humor. Let's make out.

* I had the following conversation with M yesterday;

M: You know that song? Flying Purple People eater?

Me: Yeah?

M: and how it says "One eyed, one horned"?

Me: Yeah?

M: I'm pretty sure it's about a penis.

* If you give a dog a wipe down with a shampoo dampened towel, thinking that it will be quicker and make less of a mess, that dog will wiggle and laugh and leave so much damp hair on you that you'll look like you just fucked a yeti.

* What? Like you never think about wild yeti sex? I don't believe you.

* M is pretty convinced that the internets are laughing at her. So she wants me to tell you that she is "too legit, too legit to quit" and also, that it's Hammer Time. I pointed out that would probably not help, but she just kept dancing. So I videoed it. If I was more techy I'd figure out how to email and post it. But I'm not, so you'll just have to take my word for it, a teenager doing the hammer dance in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart is pretty damn funny, but still not the weirdest thing that happens there.

* I work with a bunch of manly men motorcycle type dudes. They've got like 93,457 pictures of naked-ish ladies all over the office. But they made me put post-it pasties over the nipples of my shirtless fireman calender.

* We're going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow. It's 70* here in the Valley, which is why people come to visit us, so we're going to take them to the only place in the whole state with daily highs near freezing. Because we're good hosts like that.

* A few years ago, I saw a psychic and she said I would have two kids and you know what? That's a pretty fucked up thing to tell someone. I'm still freaked out about that. I now set an alarm on my Crackberry to remind me to take that wee little pill each and every day.

* Husband fixed my water pump on the Juice last Saturday and it took, and I'm not even exaggerating one little bit, EIGHT trips to three different auto parts store.

* I saw the most wonderful, fantastic, CLASSY... No, let's make that KLASSIEST thing ever. EVER. I would have bought it, but frankly, I'm pretty sure I have too many teeth and not enough Nascar related tattoo's. And what, you may ask is this beautiful treasure? This paragon of style?

That's right, it's a LIMITED EDITION Jeff Burton Crock Pot! PERFECT for beanie-weines on Dayton 500 day!

And with that, I leave you. Because I still have like, um, 12 or 30 reports to finish for my year end files that must be completed, approved, signed off on, transmitted, filed in triplicate and probably at least one other step I'm forgetting, all before Monday at noon.

Love Letter, version 2

Hi Honey,

I just wanted to clear a few things up. There seems to be some misunderstanding about what needs to be done in order for the house to not look like the aftermath of some sort of horrendous natural disaster. You know, since your mom, grandma and sister are coming for the weekend. For the first time in eight years. I'm pretty sure that the following things are merely just a miscommunication. Probably you learned them from watching the Spike Channel, which you know, I totally understand, but sit-coms are like porn; They're not real. Well mostly not real. Because that guy from According to Jim? Would totally never pull Courtney in real life.

So, just for future reference, I thought I'd clear up the following;

* Lifting your feet while I vacuum around you isn't considered "helping" with the vacuuming.

* Drawers go in Drawers. See how easy that is to remember? Underpants go inside the dresser, not on top of it. But you were very close, so yay you!

* Windex and 409 aren't interchangeable. Neither are baking soda and baking powder.

* Your "junk" will not "fall off" if you step foot inside a grocery store. I promise. And if it does? We'll sue Safeway and get you new, better junk okay?

* Karate chopping the center of a pile of laundry and folding it in half, is, while humorous, not at all what I meant and you know it.

* Dogs are not cats, they do not wash themselves.

* Dust is not a "new decorating trend" which is too bad, because we'd totally kick some design ass.

* I will make your mother f$&)*% dinner in a damn minute, okay? The mop is making it hard to reach to stove. Additionally, moaning about your belly button rubbing a hole in your back bone is far more effective with out the empty bag of chip and bowl of dip sitting beside you on the couch.

and lastly, for now anyway,

* Laying down on the sheets while I'm trying to make the bed and then whining about the fact I don't want to "do it" with you right there on the pile of clean bedding, is a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever want to do it with you. In fact, it may drive me to doing it with someone else, and you'll go blind from rubbing your winky. And then how would you watch porn?

So, anyway,if you should have any questions about any of this, then blow it out your hole, okay? Because I still have windows to wash.

Love,

Me

One Word Wednesday

Alrightythen.

Slumdog Non-millionaire

Me: I'll be back in a little bit

J: Going to meet your boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, we're going to make out in the adult diaper aisle of Costco

J: that's fine. Make sure he can afford to keep me in the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed.

Me: Poverty?

J: I prefer to think of it as "financially challenged".

But Do You Get Dental With That?

Honestly, I think I should take a break from blogging. My malaise is just too stultifying. But just when I think I'm going to pack it in, to leave y'all a love note to say I'll be gone for a while and to keep the home fires burning, I have a conversation like this;

Me: Did you write your career day paper?

M: Yeah

Me: Well what did you say you're going to be?

M: A Vampire Pirate Ninja

Me: Of course, silly me.

It's scary cuz it's TRUE

Me: No, you can't go with me and Friend to the movies.

M: Why not?

Me: because you're a child? We talk about grown up stuff. You talk about sparkly vampires. You wouldn't have fun because we have NOTHING in common.

M: Sure we do

Me: like what?

M: We all believe that clowns are evil and that if you turn your back on them, they'll wrap you in a cotton candy cocoon and suck your blood out with a bendy straw.

Me: good point, but you still can't come.

Little Words

If I tell you every day, two, three, four times, that you are my heart, that you make me feel safe, that I would spend every minute of every day of forever with you, that I love you, does it make you feel trapped? Do three words become your prison or do they set you free?

If I never told you that the smell of your neck is like a drug, that your smile makes my heart skip a beat or that every time I hear your voice I smile, would you forget that I love you?

I wish you knew that each day that passes with out I love you I drift a bit farther down the stream of happily ever after headed to the ocean of what used to be. Your silence speaks louder than you know.

Does I love you get stronger or weaker each time it's said? I wish I knew, because the answer may be the only thing that brings us back to us.

Wednesday, with words

Bad first day for UPS guy

or

brakes optional

or

good thing I was in the bathroom and the UPS guy had to wait for me, otherwise he'd be dead and that would be a big old mess

or

Hello, Cute Firemen, I'm feeling faint come give me mouth to mouth!

or

Don't worry, no one died

or

Crown Victoria + 50mph + UPS truck - brakes = late delivery

or

Meth + Pot + McD's run = go directly to jail

One Word Wednesday

GROSS.

Ouiser Says

Some people think the Bible is the greatest book ever. I disagree. I say it's the phone book. Because really, when was the last time the BIBLE ever helped you find an all night pizza place that delivers AND excepts pennies for payment? HMM? NeVeR, that's when.

Ouiser comes to visit

- Yesterday, I saw a bum riding a bicycle with a 35 gallon trash can strapped to his back and a bag from each handlebar with 2 boxes each of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I thought about running him down and stealing his doughnuts, but then I figured they were probably stale anyway, so I didn't.

- It's bulk garbage week in our neighborhood. That's where you can put out anything non-hazardous and the city will take it. I put out the dogs cracked wading pool, some yard waste and some old modular shelves. Yesterday, when I came home, someone had taken half my trash and spread the rest over my driveway. Seriously. If you're going to steal my trash, at LEAST have the manners to pile it back up!

- I figured I'd cheer myself up a little by playing ball with my dogs. So I locate a newish yellow tennis ball from under the hedge and toss it to into the yard. The dogs go running willy-nilly, or you know, as willy-nilly as a dog with the shape of a walrus can run, and come tearing back hell bent for leather and one drops the ball and my feet. And then pees on it. And my feet. Which were bare.

- I spent all day cleaning on Sunday. Mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleared away about 200 magazines and catalogues and junk mail. Then I straightened the shelves, organized the hall closet and washed 6 loads of laundry. This morning, after my family spent ONE DAY in the house? It looks like a hurricane went through there. WTF, People? Is it THAT FRICKEN HARD to take your glass to the kitchen and your bag to your room? Are you fundamentally incapable of understanding the concept of "if you got it out, put it back?" It's not rocket surgery. It's called good manners. A concept that clearly eludes them.

- So I thought, you know what? I'll make lemon bars. Who can be cranky when faced with lemon bars? Surely, I will return to my mostly-cheerful self? Oh, goody! I think, I have just enough eggs. Then, just as I'm cracking the last one, the doorbell rings, the dogs bark and I do this.


Yeah, I cracked the egg and poured it into the carton instead of the bowl. Lovely.

- Undaunted I go to find my husband. My (alledged) source of strength and comfort. "Give me some kisses" I demand "I'm having a bad day" and you know what he says? "No, you make me sick." Now, he was probably referring to the fact we're passing around some kind of illness, but damn. OUCH.

- But I soldiered on. I watch some TV, I fold the last of the laundry, I go to bed. This morning, I get up, mostly restored to my usual even temper and good humor and ten minutes ago, M calls. Only, it's her ass calling me, because I overhear an entire conversation about what a "stupid bitch" I am. This after I loaned her a pair of shoes and gave her an extra $5 for after school.

- And to top it all off, a very dear friend has taken to blowing me off. When we do talk, things are just...not right. I'm at a loss as to what has happened, what has changed and they're not saying either.

So that, kids, is what's the matter. A whole lot of things that on their own are not that big of a deal. Kind of funny even in some cases. But added together, it's a lot. Too much. And so I am just...off, I guess. Not myself. I promise, with the proper application of whiskey my good humor will return. Probably. What the heck, it's 8am. I might as well start now...

oooh BURN

Me: What's up, man?


UPS Guy: If I told you, would you kiss it?


Me: If I could find it, sure.

How to know your daughter is a teenager

M: Can I borrow a shirt?

Me: I guess. If you promise not to stain it. Which one do you want?

M: I like the one you're wearing.

Me: Me too, that's why I'm wearing it.

M: So can I borrow it or what?

Me: Borrow what?

M: The shirt you're wearing!


Me: No, I'm wearing it.

M: GOD you are SO MEAN

(stomps off in a huff)

Divided

In the hazy moments of not-quite-sleep I can feel you there behind me.

The breath of the fan becomes yours, warm on the sleep damp curls at the base of my neck and the weight of the blanket becomes your arm draped across my chest.

In the world of near-dreams I know that the slightest movement would find you there with me, my back to your chest, flank to flank all the length of our bodies. You would pull me closer, touching your lips to the spot just behind my ear where the perfume of satisfaction mingles with the scent of dreams to spin it's magic of one more minute.

But one more minute comes and goes and I know the distance between us is far too great to be crossed by hope and so I roll face to the wall, alone.

The Wizard

Today's tag comes from Zakary. She said to save it for Monday, and today is Thursday, but I'm contrary like that.

Here are the rules are:

1. Go to your documents
2. Go to your 6th file.
3. Go to your 6th picture.
4. Blog about it.
5. Tag 6 friends to do the same.

And here you are:

Now, I know it's hard to tell, since I'm not making a weird face and you can't see the Famous Twins at all, but that is me. This picture is a result of a night with a bottle of Crown and a camera..Good thing the tag wasn't to post the 16th picture....just saying.

As for tagging others, I HATES to do that, so if you want to do this on your own blog, have at it!