Monday, December 13, 2010


As more people in my "real" life run across this blog, I find that I censor myself more. Which sort of defeats the purpose I had for this blog to begin with. That makes me sad. I'm not, by nature, a confrontational person. I'm the one that ends the fights, not the one that starts it. To the point that I find that I don't stand up for myself when I should.

A week ago while I was in Seattle on vacation J called me and read me the riot act about having brought Shush up there with me. He didn't want M to get mixed messages about whether or not HE agreed with MY dating while the divorce was still pending. Okay. Fair enough. I think it's not a necessary concern since M is 15 and a pretty sharp kid, but okay. For almost 30 minutes he lectured me up one side and down the other about it. I stood up for myself far more than I normally do, but still, he dug in when he could with comments like "I guess it's your life and I don't have to agree with your choices anymore", and "I just don't want M around 'that kind of thing'". I was furious, I felt attacked, but he IS her other parent and does get to voice his opinion in what she is and is not exposed to. That said, Shush and I have been together since July, and have known each other for about a year. We live together, this isn't just a 'fling'.

AND THEN. Oh, yes, and then.

THEN, about two days later he tells me he's bringing a girl he's been dating for THREE WEEKS up there with him for Christmas. For the record, I'm GLAD he's dating. I'm glad that he's found a nice girl to hang out with and I'm glad that they like each other enough that they want to spend the holiday's together.

What I'm furious about is that he thought it was okay to try and make me feel terrible for having done the same thing. Seriously. Why is it okay for him ? Is it because *he's* the "wronged party" in this divorce? Because he's the one who got left, it's okay for him to move on? Is it because "everyone" (oh, yes, the ever present "everyone" gets a voice in this one too) is "worried" about him, that it's okay for him to bring a girl, but I, the one who "everyone" thinks "is making bad decisions" can't? Or is this some sort of score that needs to be settled? Some "Oh yeah? Well, *I* can move on too! See?". Either way, if he was even CONTEMPLATING taking her with him when he called me then yelling at me was not "being a concerned parent" it was being an asshole. And I thought we were past that. I thought that we'd agreed that we were going to do this differently. I know I've tried. But this? This is exactly why we had problems before.

Why can't I let this go? I didn't say anything to him about it, because, well, I have fought with him enough to last me a lifetime. It's seriously bothering me.

3 little kittens say Meow:

KAErk said...

I think you're totally justified in being upset and the fact that you're even giving him the benefit of the doubt in letting him have an opinion at all (which is more than I would do) shows how much more adult you're being about it. But, there's nothing you can do about it. Being upset lets him win, be the better person and smile and be friendly and he can eat crow for dinner.

Chibi Jeebs said...

I'd kick his ass all over hell and back for the double-standard bullshit.

Unfortunately, I've seen this damn-near exact situation with another friend: chances are really good that the new "girlfriend" is a pathetic attempt to make you jealous, and the whole Christmas ploy is more of the same with the added bonus of lording his King of the Jungle status over you.

I hate to say it (because I'm vindictive as hell when someone hurts my friends, so want to see him suffer), but I agree with KAErk: if this is all just a ploy to get at you (for whatever reason), turning the other cheek will frustrate him FAR more than if you lay into him - he'd "win" in that case.

Love you, doll.

Nadine Hightower said...

I think he is hurt. He is reacting this way to ease his pain. He wants family to know that he has moved on too by taking a friend with him for the holidays.
And yes make you jealous.

I dated while married. we lived together during the divorce phase too. Sometimes that's just the way it goes.

I miss you. Stay strong.