Friday, January 30, 2009

True Stories

* The bum that lives in the bus stop was wearing the Statue Of Liberty costume in front of Jackson Hewitt today. He had all his bum-clothes, including fingerless gloves and a pink beanie on underneath the costume.

* Facebook really, really wants me to be friends with several of my ex-boyfriends. You know what Facebook? You've got a pretty fucked up sense of humor. Let's make out.

* I had the following conversation with M yesterday;

M: You know that song? Flying Purple People eater?
Me: Yeah?
M: and how it says "One eyed, one horned"?
Me: Yeah?
M: I'm pretty sure it's about a penis.

* If you give a dog a wipe down with a shampoo dampened towel, thinking that it will be quicker and make less of a mess, that dog will wiggle and laugh and leave so much damp hair on you that you'll look like you just fucked a yeti.

* What? Like you never think about wild yeti sex? I don't believe you.

* M is pretty convinced that the internets are laughing at her. So she wants me to tell you that she is "too legit, too legit to quit" and also, that it's Hammer Time. I pointed out that would probably not help, but she just kept dancing. So I videoed it. If I was more techy I'd figure out how to email and post it. But I'm not, so you'll just have to take my word for it, a teenager doing the hammer dance in the produce aisle of Wal-Mart is pretty damn funny, but still not the weirdest thing that happens there.

* I work with a bunch of manly men motorcycle type dudes. They've got like 93,457 pictures of naked-ish ladies all over the office. But they made me put post-it pasties over the nipples of my shirtless fireman calender.

* We're going to the Grand Canyon tomorrow. It's 70* here in the Valley, which is why people come to visit us, so we're going to take them to the only place in the whole state with daily highs near freezing. Because we're good hosts like that.

* A few years ago, I saw a psychic and she said I would have two kids and you know what? That's a pretty fucked up thing to tell someone. I'm still freaked out about that. I now set an alarm on my Crackberry to remind me to take that wee little pill each and every day.

* Husband fixed my water pump on the Juice last Saturday and it took, and I'm not even exaggerating one little bit, EIGHT trips to three different auto parts store.

* I saw the most wonderful, fantastic, CLASSY... No, let's make that KLASSIEST thing ever. EVER. I would have bought it, but frankly, I'm pretty sure I have too many teeth and not enough Nascar related tattoo's. And what, you may ask is this beautiful treasure? This paragon of style?

That's right, it's a LIMITED EDITION Jeff Burton Crock Pot! PERFECT for beanie-weines on Dayton 500 day!
And with that, I leave you. Because I still have like, um, 12 or 30 reports to finish for my year end files that must be completed, approved, signed off on, transmitted, filed in triplicate and probably at least one other step I'm forgetting, all before Monday at noon.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Love Letter, version 2

Hi Honey,

I just wanted to clear a few things up. There seems to be some misunderstanding about what needs to be done in order for the house to not look like the aftermath of some sort of horrendous natural disaster. You know, since your mom, grandma and sister are coming for the weekend. For the first time in eight years. I'm pretty sure that the following things are merely just a miscommunication. Probably you learned them from watching the Spike Channel, which you know, I totally understand, but sit-coms are like porn; They're not real. Well mostly not real. Because that guy from According to Jim? Would totally never pull Courtney in real life.

So, just for future reference, I thought I'd clear up the following;

* Lifting your feet while I vacuum around you isn't considered "helping" with the vacuuming.

* Drawers go in Drawers. See how easy that is to remember? Underpants go inside the dresser, not on top of it. But you were very close, so yay you!

* Windex and 409 aren't interchangeable. Neither are baking soda and baking powder.

* Your "junk" will not "fall off" if you step foot inside a grocery store. I promise. And if it does? We'll sue Safeway and get you new, better junk okay?

* Karate chopping the center of a pile of laundry and folding it in half, is, while humorous, not at all what I meant and you know it.

* Dogs are not cats, they do not wash themselves.

* Dust is not a "new decorating trend" which is too bad, because we'd totally kick some design ass.

* I will make your mother f$&)*% dinner in a damn minute, okay? The mop is making it hard to reach to stove. Additionally, moaning about your belly button rubbing a hole in your back bone is far more effective with out the empty bag of chip and bowl of dip sitting beside you on the couch.

and lastly, for now anyway,

* Laying down on the sheets while I'm trying to make the bed and then whining about the fact I don't want to "do it" with you right there on the pile of clean bedding, is a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever want to do it with you. In fact, it may drive me to doing it with someone else, and you'll go blind from rubbing your winky. And then how would you watch porn?

So, anyway,if you should have any questions about any of this, then blow it out your hole, okay? Because I still have windows to wash.



Wednesday, January 28, 2009

One Word Wednesday


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Slumdog Non-millionaire

Me: I'll be back in a little bit

J: Going to meet your boyfriend?

Me: Yeah, we're going to make out in the adult diaper aisle of Costco

J: that's fine. Make sure he can afford to keep me in the lifestyle to which I'm accustomed.

Me: Poverty?

J: I prefer to think of it as "financially challenged".

Monday, January 26, 2009

But Do You Get Dental With That?

Honestly, I think I should take a break from blogging. My malaise is just too stultifying. But just when I think I'm going to pack it in, to leave y'all a love note to say I'll be gone for a while and to keep the home fires burning, I have a conversation like this;

Me: Did you write your career day paper?

M: Yeah

Me: Well what did you say you're going to be?

M: A Vampire Pirate Ninja

Me: Of course, silly me.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's scary cuz it's TRUE

Me: No, you can't go with me and Friend to the movies.

M: Why not?

Me: because you're a child? We talk about grown up stuff. You talk about sparkly vampires. You wouldn't have fun because we have NOTHING in common.

M: Sure we do

Me: like what?

M: We all believe that clowns are evil and that if you turn your back on them, they'll wrap you in a cotton candy cocoon and suck your blood out with a bendy straw.

Me: good point, but you still can't come.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Little Words

If I tell you every day, two, three, four times, that you are my heart, that you make me feel safe, that I would spend every minute of every day of forever with you, that I love you, does it make you feel trapped? Do three words become your prison or do they set you free?

If I never told you that the smell of your neck is like a drug, that your smile makes my heart skip a beat or that every time I hear your voice I smile, would you forget that I love you?

I wish you knew that each day that passes with out I love you I drift a bit farther down the stream of happily ever after headed to the ocean of what used to be. Your silence speaks louder than you know.

Does I love you get stronger or weaker each time it's said? I wish I knew, because the answer may be the only thing that brings us back to us.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wednesday, with words

Bad first day for UPS guy


brakes optional


good thing I was in the bathroom and the UPS guy had to wait for me, otherwise he'd be dead and that would be a big old mess


Hello, Cute Firemen, I'm feeling faint come give me mouth to mouth!


Don't worry, no one died


Crown Victoria + 50mph + UPS truck - brakes = late delivery


Meth + Pot + McD's run = go directly to jail

One Word Wednesday


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Ouiser Says

Some people think the Bible is the greatest book ever. I disagree. I say it's the phone book. Because really, when was the last time the BIBLE ever helped you find an all night pizza place that delivers AND excepts pennies for payment? HMM? NeVeR, that's when.

Ouiser comes to visit

- Yesterday, I saw a bum riding a bicycle with a 35 gallon trash can strapped to his back and a bag from each handlebar with 2 boxes each of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I thought about running him down and stealing his doughnuts, but then I figured they were probably stale anyway, so I didn't.

- It's bulk garbage week in our neighborhood. That's where you can put out anything non-hazardous and the city will take it. I put out the dogs cracked wading pool, some yard waste and some old modular shelves. Yesterday, when I came home, someone had taken half my trash and spread the rest over my driveway. Seriously. If you're going to steal my trash, at LEAST have the manners to pile it back up!

- I figured I'd cheer myself up a little by playing ball with my dogs. So I locate a newish yellow tennis ball from under the hedge and toss it to into the yard. The dogs go running willy-nilly, or you know, as willy-nilly as a dog with the shape of a walrus can run, and come tearing back hell bent for leather and one drops the ball and my feet. And then pees on it. And my feet. Which were bare.

- I spent all day cleaning on Sunday. Mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleared away about 200 magazines and catalogues and junk mail. Then I straightened the shelves, organized the hall closet and washed 6 loads of laundry. This morning, after my family spent ONE DAY in the house? It looks like a hurricane went through there. WTF, People? Is it THAT FRICKEN HARD to take your glass to the kitchen and your bag to your room? Are you fundamentally incapable of understanding the concept of "if you got it out, put it back?" It's not rocket surgery. It's called good manners. A concept that clearly eludes them.

- So I thought, you know what? I'll make lemon bars. Who can be cranky when faced with lemon bars? Surely, I will return to my mostly-cheerful self? Oh, goody! I think, I have just enough eggs. Then, just as I'm cracking the last one, the doorbell rings, the dogs bark and I do this.

Yeah, I cracked the egg and poured it into the carton instead of the bowl. Lovely.

- Undaunted I go to find my husband. My (alledged) source of strength and comfort. "Give me some kisses" I demand "I'm having a bad day" and you know what he says? "No, you make me sick." Now, he was probably referring to the fact we're passing around some kind of illness, but damn. OUCH.

- But I soldiered on. I watch some TV, I fold the last of the laundry, I go to bed. This morning, I get up, mostly restored to my usual even temper and good humor and ten minutes ago, M calls. Only, it's her ass calling me, because I overhear an entire conversation about what a "stupid bitch" I am. This after I loaned her a pair of shoes and gave her an extra $5 for after school.

- And to top it all off, a very dear friend has taken to blowing me off. When we do talk, things are just...not right. I'm at a loss as to what has happened, what has changed and they're not saying either.

So that, kids, is what's the matter. A whole lot of things that on their own are not that big of a deal. Kind of funny even in some cases. But added together, it's a lot. Too much. And so I am, I guess. Not myself. I promise, with the proper application of whiskey my good humor will return. Probably. What the heck, it's 8am. I might as well start now...

Friday, January 16, 2009

oooh BURN

Me: What's up, man?

UPS Guy: If I told you, would you kiss it?

Me: If I could find it, sure.

How to know your daughter is a teenager

M: Can I borrow a shirt?

Me: I guess. If you promise not to stain it. Which one do you want?

M: I like the one you're wearing.

Me: Me too, that's why I'm wearing it.

M: So can I borrow it or what?

Me: Borrow what?

M: The shirt you're wearing!

Me: No, I'm wearing it.

M: GOD you are SO MEAN

(stomps off in a huff)

Thursday, January 15, 2009


In the hazy moments of not-quite-sleep I can feel you there behind me.

The breath of the fan becomes yours, warm on the sleep damp curls at the base of my neck and the weight of the blanket becomes your arm draped across my chest.

In the world of near-dreams I know that the slightest movement would find you there with me, my back to your chest, flank to flank all the length of our bodies. You would pull me closer, touching your lips to the spot just behind my ear where the perfume of satisfaction mingles with the scent of dreams to spin it's magic of one more minute.

But one more minute comes and goes and I know the distance between us is far too great to be crossed by hope and so I roll face to the wall, alone.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

The Wizard

Today's tag comes from Zakary. She said to save it for Monday, and today is Thursday, but I'm contrary like that.
Here are the rules are:

1. Go to your documents
2. Go to your 6th file.
3. Go to your 6th picture.
4. Blog about it.
5. Tag 6 friends to do the same.

And here you are:

Now, I know it's hard to tell, since I'm not making a weird face and you can't see the Famous Twins at all, but that is me. This picture is a result of a night with a bottle of Crown and a camera..Good thing the tag wasn't to post the 16th picture....just saying.
As for tagging others, I HATES to do that, so if you want to do this on your own blog, have at it!

Perfectly Presented Parable

Morning, Chickens.

I have very many tags to blog this week. I may even actually blog them! That's my dedication to y'all; I will forsake my year end reports to bring you scintillating minutiae.

Today's tag comes from the delightful Miss Lorrie Veasey and is brought to you by the letter

The tag is to list ten things that you LOVE that begin with the assigned letter.

1. Profanity - no shit. I loves me some swear words. Sometimes, nothing conveys the proper gravity of a situation quite like an explosively uttered FUCK.

2. Porn - Shocking, right? Now, I know that women every where are cringing because, OMG, PORN? You like PORN? You (meaning me) are clearly a bad, bad, woman and a shame to the sisterhood! But here's the thing; porn? Very educational. How else would I know about things like Pony Play and Sploshing? Not to mention The Superman and Dirty Sanchez. I mean really! There is a whole world of kink out there and you may not be a freak after all. Then again, maybe you are. But who am I to judge? That's the nice thing about porn, chances are if it makes you feel good, you're not alone. It's like gathering round to sing Kumbaya, but with wieners.

3. Pickles - But only dill. All other pickles are an affront to the sanctity of the pickle species. Do not email me your beloved grandmothers award winning recipe for Bread n Butter pickles, because I will not eat them and I will lose all respect for your saintly Grannie for commit such a sin against taste buds.

4. PDA - Especially among the elderly. How cute is it when a tiny little old lady and a grizzled old man are shuffling by hand in hand? Doesn't it just give you hope?

5. Pie - Oh hells, yes, Mama loves her some pie.

6. Puppies - It's pretty hard to be cranky when confronted by the sweet sway of a fat fat puppy belly. And when they fall asleep?. I swoon. SWOON.

7. Purses - Yes, yes, I'm vapid. And? Carrying around a really nice purse instantly makes you look somehow...more. More put together. More successful. More stylish. Not to mention the construction of a $300 purse vastly surpasses that of a $30 purse. And if you buy something classic - say a quilted Chanel, you'll never go out of style. That said...Louis Vuitton? Not so much. Despite the crazy price tags ($700 for a wristlet!), to me, they look cheap. Also, my birthday is coming up and if y'all love me, you'll buy me a Birkin. Just saying.

8. Purple - I always write in purple pen. Why? Because it's less harsh than black, more whimsical than red and more exciting than blue. Also? Because I'm a wee bit nuts.

9. Pineapple - true story, ladies and gents, consuming pineapple makes certain...fluids less distasteful when swallowed if you catch my drift. What? You don't? Fine. When a man drinks pineapple juice his ejaculate tastes less metallic. Try it. Seriously. If that doesn't work, try sucking on a peppermint while giving head. Tingly and tasty. Altoids work best. And in my experience? A good blow job is pretty much the quickest way to get a man to do what you want. Forever.

10. Peeps - that's right. I love y'all. On days like yesterday, when I was pretty sure I was going to have to beat someone half way to death with my adorable red peep toed shoes, you kids all jumped in to assure me that I wasn't the only one so afflicted. And a burden shared is a burden lightened, right? (I learned that in Sunday school before they asked me to leave and not come back.)

Monday, January 12, 2009

Love Letter

Dear Husband,

This morning, when your alarm went off and you snoozed it three times, I didn't say anything.

When I got up a half out later, I tripped over the boot you left in the middle of the floor. Then, I collected your discarded towel from the chair and carried it to the bathroom where I picked up your dirty drawers off the floor and put them in the hamper that is less than two feet away. Then I hung up the towel that you'd left in the sink, put the lid on your deodorant, picked up and threw away the q-tip that missed the trash can and replaced the toilet paper roll.

When I sat down to pee, I discovered the turd you left floating. It was a nice one, but there's no need to save it for me, promise. Then, I let the dogs out since they were doing a potty dance because you'd forgotten to put them out before you left and on my way to the back door I collected the cup, spoon and pudding containers that you'd left in the living room and carried them to the kitchen where I shut the cupboard you'd left open and threw away the empty milk jug you left on the counter.

I went to take a shower, but first I had to replace the soap. Sorry I didn't shave my legs, it just didn't seem worth getting out of the shower to get the shaving cream off the counter since the one in the shower was empty. You'll find the new can in the shower tomorrow, I put it in there when I got out. Then, I dried myself with a damp towel, because you'd used all the towels in the bathroom and got myself ready for work.

I dealt with our surly teenager, but managed to get her out the door with out screaming at her. I drove her to school and then went on to work where I attempted to placate angry creditors, disgruntled customers and nervous employees. I got yelled at by Scary Corporate Lady at least three times for things that had nothing to do with me, but since I answer the phone, the buck stops at my desk. No big deal, it IS why they pay me.

On the way home I paid the water bill, stopped at the bank and then went to the grocery store. Then I picked up our daughter, went to the gym for an hour and dropped by some books to a house bound friend before going to the gas station and then Hallmark at the mall to pick up a sympathy card for your grandmother, which I signed your name too and then dropped at the mail box.

So when I walk in the door tonight, if once again the first words out of your mouth are "Damn, you look like shit", I'm pretty sure the judge will understand why the cops couldn't find your head.

All my love,
Your Wife.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


- Every time I see a woman on the bicycle, I hum the Wicked Witches Theme from Wizard of Oz.
- Am I the only one who thinks the "It's all about the O" slogan is dirty?

- My Wal-Mart has a small selection of Easter items out. Already. Seriously, WTF, merchandisers? I still have up my X-Mas lights!

- Is the whole point of the show 'The Biggest Loser' to embarrass fat people? Because that seems cruel.

- I found this little guy has been living under a hat in my office.

First, I took his picture. And then I killed him. But I didn't hit him with a hammer.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Thank God.

Me: Are you done with the computer yet?

M: No

Me: Well, hurry up. I need to use it.

M: Relax, Ma, the internet will still have porn in a half hour.

Monday, January 5, 2009

And still not syndicated

So this right here? This is my 200th post (on Blogger. Probably much higher over all, but I can't count those because I deleted the other blog. Because of the naked pictures of Oprah Winfrey. Just kidding. Although that blog did used to get googled for that a lot and I'm all YOU PEOPLE ARE SOME SICK FUCKS. Which is the whole point, right? To connect with other people who are like minded and by like minded I mean FUCKING DISTURBED).

Honestly, I'm as surprised as anyone that I've been blogging this long. The only thing that I've done consistently more of? Breathing.

That's because y'all? YOU ARE MY OXYGEN.


You had me at hello.

I just made that phrase up. It's catchy, right?

Doesn't it seem like for this monumental occasion I should have had something planned? Some really wicked good post where I charm you and also teach you a little something about life? Like Facts of Life or some other feel good 80's show with a catchy theme song? Hey! Remember Family Ties? Me, too! No, really, what I was going to say is that Alex P. Keaton looks exactly the same as he did back then. Also, the only episode of that show I remember is the one where the blond sister was a Valley Girl and wrote a running away note that could only be deciphered by omitting ever other word, which was "like". As in, "So, like yesterday? Like me and like Tiffany like went to the like mall and like, stuff and like we, like, totally like saw these like hot guys? Like at like Orange Julius? And one of them, like, had THREE NIPPLES, like for real and he like showed it to us in the like dressing room at like 5-7-9 and then, Tiffany like totally like licked it and I was all, like GAG ME WITH A SPOON!"

Further more, once one begins to interject the word "like" into a sentence one begins to spew it uncontrollably and with out reason. Much like "dude" and words of that ilk. In fact, to recover from a "like" fit, the only cure is to trade it for another word. One might substitute "one" for example, but then one would sound pretentious and like one had a proverbial stick up ones backside.

Almost as bad as referring to oneself in third person, which is kind of eccentric and charming if one is a drag queen or maybe a really sparkly hooker but less so if one is a reality television contestant (cough, SUEDE, cough). Actually, I take that back. Kind of. Because what reality television personality isn't just a hooker? Maybe with less leath-ah, but not with out the air of selling ones soul for the possibility of slight financial gain and the certainty of embarrassment?

For that, you could just stuff a hamster up your butt like Richard Gere and then sell the pictures to The Enquirer, or as we call it round my house "The Paper". I bet he talks about himself in third person. Doesn't he just seem like that type? Maybe it's the hair that makes me think that. I don't trust people with hair that looks like the wads of dog hair I fish out of my vacuum. Also? I don't trust people with bad posture. Don't you think it's so telling when people walk around all hunched and slumped? Like Igor. Only less charming. Because, you know, at least Igor had that whole yess master thing going for him.

Also, I don't trust people that don't wear underwear. Seriously, you're not that fucking busy that you can't spare 5 seconds to pull on a pair on chones. I, for the record, am wearing panties. Great big ginormous white cotton numbers from Fruit of the Loom or maybe Hanes! Her Way! or maybe Omar the Tent Maker, I can't see the tag because it's behind me so you'll just have to live your life with out knowing who makes my delicates. Unless you want to send me $5 because then I'll totally send you my panties. Only not using E-Bay because APPARENTLY selling your used underpants as anything other than "used clothing" is considered a violation of it's service terms and you know what that means? Somewhere a dirty pervert is smelling brand new panties because I am being denied my right to commerce! Is this the kind of America that you want to live in? No, I thought not. I should probably be getting some kind of bail out money for this stompling of my rights to free market trade.

This is the part of the show where ALF tries to eat the cat.

Only, now that I've said that? I'm pretty sure that Blogger is going to flag this blog as being of questionable content and you know what I have to say to that? NO SHIT, BLOGGER PEOPLE. But maybe we can bring this back from the brink?

No, probably not. So instead, I will leave you with this.