Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Maybe it's just me, but I'd prefer this
Friday, June 26, 2009
What does a clown puking rainbows have to do with the fact that Vitamin Z makes it so that I care about nothing beyond not drooling (noticably, anyway) on myself? Nothing.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I used to work in a large call center where dozens of people sat around me. So of course I spent most days eavesdropping on other peoples conversations.
The lady that sat behind me we nicknamed "The Churchlady" not because she was at all like the SNL character, but rather because almost every story she told managed to wind it's way to either a sermon she'd heard or something someone at church had experienced. This, despite the fact that she had two children, one of whom was the result of an affair and the other was the child of a man in prison for running a drug ring out of a day care.
One day, her neighbor BigHair loudly lamented her three year olds habit of PEEING ON THE WALL and so the Churchlady began to advise her on ways to discipline.
"You see" The Churchlady explained "The more you punish them, the more they act out. You have to guide your children with love"
This seemed like some pretty namby pamby advice, but whatever, so BigHair agreed that maybe she'd try praising the Sprinkler for what he did well in hopes that he'd stop being naughty.
Of course, several days later Sprinkler hosed not just the wall but also the TV. BigHair, though admitting it wasn't the best course of action admitted that she lost her temper and smacked his little pecker. Churchlady was aghast!
"Oh! You should NEVER smack your children! Hands are for loving! A child should remember that their mothers hands always reached out with a gentle touch. They should only think of their parents hands as having wiped away tears and embracing them in hugs. You should never, ever, slap a child! Think of the message that sends them! No, there is no excuse for you raising a hand to a child. That's why when my kids act out I understand that they need comfort! They need to understand what they've done wrong, so I take them aside and then I WHOOP THEM WITH A WOODEN SPOON".
Makes sense to me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
she consoled herself with pistachio ice cream over a scoop of birthday cake flavored topped with Kissables and rainbow sprinkles.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Husband and I had a...let's call it a disagreement...about this and I'm still annoyed, because OBVIOUSLY I am correct and he's an ass. But I'll let y'all weigh in, just in case I'm off my tree here.
BabyMama is in the kitchen making dinner. Smooth is upstairs playing video games. BigSister is sitting on the couch and baby Gigi is in her Bumbo chair on the coffee table about a foot away from BigSister (she's ten)
Gigi has figured out how to make her arms and legs work and wiggles free of her Bumbo (first time she's ever done so) and topples off the table. BigSister sees her escape (at her own admission) and makes no move to catch her (also, her own admission) and when Gigi is lying on the floor screaming her head off, rather than picking her up says, filled with wonder 'Sissy fell' as BabyMama sprints the 10 feet to the couch, climbs over it and snatches baby up.
Gigi is fine, but BabyMama is annoyed with BigSister for being a foot away and not only not preventing her from falling, but also doing nothing once she's fallen.
I'm ALL on BabyMama's side here. At ten, you should be old enough and responsible enough that when asked specifically to do something (keep an eye on the baby, in this case) that you should be capable of doing so. She wasn't left alone with the baby and was close enough that doing ANYTHING could have prevented the fall.
HSB says it's BabyMama's fault. Why? Because he's fucking crazy, that's why. Yes, she's the adult, but let's be realistic here, she left baby in a (presumed) safe place with an older child to watch her while she was FRYING FOOD ten feet away.
I say she was reasonable to do so, he says she's neglectful.
What say you?
(PS. No, Gigi isn't allowed to sit on the table anymore)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I was going to blog a video of my child (you know, the Window Licker?) dancing around a singing as she attempted to see exactly how truthful Vince was being when he said the ShamWow! would soak up ten times it's weight in water, but I was laughing too hard. Because honestly? Who does that? First off who buys ShamWow's? (For the record it was my husband) and secondly who gets THAT excited by the prospect of an As Seen On TV product? But I was laughing far too hard and she heard me and was all "What? What's so funny?" and all I could do was gasp out "Vinnnnccceeee" and then she looked at me like *I* was the crazy one.
So instead, I bring you this gem. Especially timely given my quest for a new tattoo. I think I'll get this one.
If you like that one you should see the rest over at ugliesttattoos.com
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
(I was going to post about Disneyland, but Blogger was down yesterday and I left my camera at home today and you really need to see the pictures, because otherwise, how is it a travel blog? Right? Right.)
Yesterday as I was pulling out of my driveway I spotted my mailman coming around the corner and decided to wait for him. We've had the same mail man for at least eight years and he and I chat from time to time about the weather, the amount of junk mail I get, the fact the neighbors insist on parking directly in front of their mailbox etc. Basically the kind of small talk that you have with people you know nothing about.
As he hands me my mail yesterday he says to me "Hey, I see that you refinanced your house! How did you manage that in this economy?" and I'm like wait, what the hell? I didn't refinance? then I remembered that our mortgage company went tits up and our statements now come from another company. And he noticed. So I explained it to him, we commiserated about the shitty housing market and then he asked about J's shooting hobby, wondered if I still was selling costumes and did M like her out of state camp and THEN I was all? WTF?
I mean, I get that my garbage man knows a lot about me. After all, the clinking of my empty wine bottles against the Zoloft bottles IS a very distinct sound. But it never occurred to me that my mailman was actually paying attention to what he delivers me. He even commented on the amount of ammunition components that my husband orders and how he knew which houses he'd run to in the event of an emergency!
How freaking creepy stalkerish is that? And yet, think of the GOSSIP I can get about the neighbors! I'm totally going to bake him some cookies. Because Mama loves her some gossip....
Labels: America the Beautiful
Friday, June 12, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I swear to you guys that I never beat my kid about the head. I mean, sure, she's brain damaged, but that was totally not my fault. And anyway, I think the fact that she's "special" has less to do with getting her head slammed through a window and more to do with the fact that she's blond.
I could seriously have an entire blog about the retarded shit that M says. But then y'all would think that I let her eat a bowl of Lead n' Paint Flakes for breakfast and then wash it down with a glass of stupid.
But sometimes, OMG, sometimes she says some things that make me sit back and regret that I huffed gas fumes while I was pregnant.
Last night as we sat watching Paris Hilton's My New BFF she turns to me with deep concern and complete seriousness and says
"Can you get mittens with out the little thumby thingy? You know, like for people who don't have thumbs or whatever?"
Completely desensitized to such completely idiotic questions I replied
"Yeah, they're called SOCKS"
before thinking that HOLY SHIT, My kid is going to grow up to be a Wal-Mart greeter.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
OMG, y'all. I am going to Color Blind-We shall overcome-One Love hell. Which is different from Mormon hell, Mom hell, wife hell and all of the other deservedly hot after worlds no doubt holding a place for me.
M has two best friends. They are both named Casey*. One Casey is of Hispanic/Caucasian descent and the other is African American. Because the kids are all out of school M and I have some version of the following conversation about once a day
M:Cn I go 2 Csy hse?
Me: Did you do your chores?
M: uh, letz say yes
Me: Then you can.
Me: Wait. Which Casey?
M: Casey Goodman
Me: Is that Black Casey or Mexican Casey?
SEE? See what I did just there? I broke every rule we ever learned at those yearly diversity assemblies where there were skits about how we are all the same on the inside.
But on the other hand, what the hell else am I supposed to do? Call one brunette Casey? Because they're both brunettes. Or maybe Skinny Casey? Because let's be honest, that makes the other one Fat Casey and that's really not any better. Also unacceptable is Smart Casey and Pretty Casey, because they are both great students and pretty girls.
So what am I supposed to do?
Help me out here, peeps. Is it really that bad to call one Black Casey and the other Mexican Casey? I mean, it's not like they don't KNOW they are either black or Mexican. And it's not like I mean it in a disparaging way, more like I would say "Red Haired Casey" or "Boy Casey" were one a ginger kid and the other a man.
Assuage my middle class suburban white guilt here!
*they are not really named Casey.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
PHEW. It's the last review day. I don't know how people do this all the time. Oh right. They get paid. Whereas *I* do it for the good of humanity. Because I am selfless and awesome like that.
All girls know about the maladies of bad bra's. Quatro-boob, shelf boob, loaf boob, elbow boob, cone boob, granny boob...need I go on? Having a bad bra on makes your old outfit...hell, your whole out look on LIFE just a little less rosy.
Verdict: Perfect for low impact days. Like laying around the house reading a novel and eating Pirate's Booty cheddar popcorn
Thursday, June 4, 2009
First off, the pens are about twice the price of regular bottles of nail polish at $7-$9 depending on where you buy them.
Secondly, the "paint" they used is very thin and watery. Not a nail polish consistency at all. On the plus side, it's also removable with plain water. As long as you only put it on a nail with that's been given a bottom coat. Don't get in on your skin, because even with nail polish remover the edges of my fingers remain tinted black from my attempt at giving myself a funky black tipped french manicure.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I like big hair. Sadly, I don't have the sort of hair that lends itself to big hair. I have more the sort of hair that girls of the 70's dreamed about. Flat, stick straight, BORING hair. Blah.
The 80's, being my formative years have forever instilled on my brain that the bigger the hair, the sexier it is, so when the trend toward "bumped" or "slightly bee hived" hair came in I was all over it.
Only, my hair? NOT ON THE SAME PAGE. As a general rule my smooth bob resists all manner of teasing, fluffing, blowing out, ratting...well you got the idea.
So when I saw THESE I nearly swooned in the aisle
FINALLY I could have the big hair of my dreams!
The kit came with a "medium" a "tall" and a "small" sized insert. The small is designed for the small, over the forehead "model pouffe" style hair do. No need for that as my bangs manage to achieve that bit of craziness on it's own.
The directions call for you to part your hair just over your ears and then flip the front section forward and tease the base. Um..ok. I'm not very handy, but it comes with a little rat tail comb, so I broke out my bottle of Big Sexy and ratted it up.
My hair stood totally, straight up, sideways faux hawk style. It was sexy. Only. Not.
So I stuck the medium sized insert behind the part and smoothed the front hair over it. Because my hair is fairly short, it made me look like less like Bardot and more like a Cone head. Unwilling to give up, I pinned up the sides, and voila! CUTE HAIR! In under 5 minutes! AND on my first shot.
This is how their models look once teased to perfection
and this is how mine came out.
Not bad, right?
Verdict: If you love big hair and are hair-talent challenged or you know, lazy like me, well worth the $10
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My Gram, who keeps a spotless house, once told me that the easiest way to fake a clean house is to make sure that it smells good.
And that all your guests wear blindfolds.
I kid, I kid. But really. Scent is one of our strongest senses and it effects all other senses. If you had a the tastiest cupcake imaginable in front of you and the whole room smells like dog shit, that cup cake would be far less appetizing than if the whole room smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, wouldn't it?
Having three dogs, a teenager with questionable personal habits and a husband means that my house doesn't always smell...let's call it fresh. Add to that a dog that gets violently, explosively ill when Plug In room fresheners are used and I'm left with either the Renuzit plastic gel pop-up thingies or candles to bring back the calming fresh scent that I crave. Only the Renuzit thingies are ugly and candles + dogs with tails = insurance claims.
So when I say these guys
at Walmart for $5.96 I decided to give it a shot.
I bought two scents, Cranberry-Mandarin and Lilac. The cranberry Mandarin smells amazing. Fresh and crisp. I put it in my office at work and every time I open my office door the scent wafts out. It's not over powering and unlike many room fresheners it doesn't give me a headache.
The lilac doesn't smell very lilac-y but it does smell lovely. I put that one in my bedroom. Maybe because the door is usually open and the room is fairly large, the scent isn't very noticeable. It could also just be the nature of that particular scent. Still, the room does smell nice. I would recommend for a large room that you get two though.
Verdict: I will definitely buy these again! Much cheaper than the Glade version (which cost about $9) and way, way cheaper than the fancy ones at the mall (upwards of $10) they deliver a nice, long lasting fragrance. The "food" scents that I normally prefer like vanilla and cinnamon seemed a bit chemically, but the orange and cranberry Mandarin are nice. Plus the bottle & reed look is way prettier than a gray plastic cone.
Monday, June 1, 2009