Tippy Tuesday

Yeah, I know. That title is annoying. Suck it.

Since several of you girls asked about what kind of bra I was modeling yesterday, I figured I'd do a post on a few of my favorite pieces of clothing. Pieces that you can afford. Not in the way that Glamour espouses the frugality of a $300 winter jacket, but in the use-your-lunch-money kind of way. Well, maybe two weeks worth of lunch money. I guess it depends if your lunch budget for the week is $50 or less.

I am extremely anal retentive about my bra's. I hate the ones that give you elbow boob, or wall eyed boobs, or quadro-boob or cone boob. I hate the ones that dig at your shoulder or have under wires that poke you in the armpit. But also, I'm cheap. So while I have in the past found a lovely $96 bra that fit perfectly, I didn't buy it because I'd never wear it for fear of wearing it out. I know, it doesn't make sense. But that's how I roll.

What I have found thanks to Cousin Bunny's recommendation, is the Victorias Secret Bio-Fit line. They come in a good range of sizes (32B-40DD) and HOLY TITTIES BATMAN do they look good! The cups are rounded in a natural looking way and they keep the twins up in a natural, but lifted place. If you buy the "Full Coverage UpLift" you can do pretty much anything without worrying about popping out. I bowl in mine and never have to readjust. But if you want some HELLO TITTIES cleavage, I liked the Demi. That's what I was wearing in yesterdays picture. If you've got good sized girls, you won't want to do a whole lot of bending at the waist, but who wants to do that ANYWAY? They are a little expensive, with an on-line price of $50, though I swear the one I bought was only $48 in the store.

This is the part where you need to pay attention kittens! Go to their web site and sign up for the catalogue and email updates. Yeah, yeah, spam, whatever. Once you're on their mailing list you'll begin to get their promotional mailings about once a month. The email is a little annoying at about 3x per week, but that's what Baby Jesus made Delete for. You'll likely get a coupon for free panties in the mail. USE IT. When you do, be sure to enter the email address you used when you signed up. You don't have to buy anything. Just hand them the coupon and walk out with panties. By putting in your email address at check out, they see you're an active shopper. The more you shop, the more often they send you free stuff. I get a free $9 pair of panties EVERY SINGLE MONTH. The coupon usually includes a $10 coupon for bra's also.

AND AND AND! Twice a year they have a HUGE sale. All the previous seasons colors and styles go on clearance. On average you'll find bra's about 1/2 of their retail price. BUT if you wait to the end of the sale (while the selection is of course not as good) they'll mark them down even further. I'm talking down to $9! I KNOW, RIGHT? You can't even get some crappy disposable Wal-Mart brand bra for that price!

However, speaking of Wal-Mart, did you know that they now carry BabyPhat silver label jeans? Before you even start, yeah, I know, GHETTO. But these jeans are made for the long legged! AND they go up to a size 18! All the stores in my area seem to carry them, so if you're looking for jeans it might be worth searching your local store. They run $25 and have two washes, distressed and dark. All the jean are boot cut. The only problem I have with them is that the juniors cut rides low and I feel like my ass crack is playing peek-a-boo with the world if I don't wear a longer shirt. Oh, one other slightly odd quirk, the available sizes are 0-15 juniors and 14-18 women's. I don't know why. They wear well and wash with minimal shrinkage and have perfect sized pockets to compliment your ass. I hate jeans with teeny-little pockets, don't you?

Lastly, liquid eye liner. First of all, WHAT THE FUCK, man? Do you have ANY IDEA how long it took to learn to apply that stuff? I'm giving mad props (that's how we talk in the ghetto) to the Emo kids for their eye-lining skills. Those little brushes are ridiculous. BUT I found an easier solution! The Revlon ColorStay liquid eye pen! I paid $7 and it's exactly like using a Sharpie. Hey. I bet I COULD just use a sharpie!

That would be a look.

(PS. There's no pictures because I'm lazy. Click the links.)
(PPS. These aren't paid reviews. Although if someone would like to pay me to review there stuff either with cash or with free stuff, I'm totally down with that. Unless I have to say I like it even though I don't.)

Beige

Look at me, reviewing shit again.

Yesterday dawned bright and early and after much Facebook wall discussion I braved the WalGreens and bought hair dye and dyed my hair MUCH darker. Which all the boys at work noticed and my husband didn't.

Then, after work, I took myself out for a pedicure, because nothing does a body good quite the same way as a hot stone foot massage and BRIGHT pink toenails.

For the hell out it I stopped at Old Navy were I found an adorable pair of rockabilly chic skinny leg dark wash capri's on sale for $15. These to replace the pair I had on that made me look like TweedleDum.

On the way home, killing time as I waited for my husband to leave home for his class, I stopped at Target, where I amused myself reading the backs of novels and trying on clothes meant for teenagers. As luck would have it I actually managed to remember BEFORE I left the store that we were out of a few things like deodorant and shaving cream and other odds and ends that you never think about until you're out of them and one leg is shaved and you're all MOTHER FUCKER and then you have to use your ridiculously expensive hair conditioner on the other leg.

As I contemplated toothpaste brands, mint levels and claims of whitening I spied these bad boys

Now, I've tried just about every brand of at-home whitening out there. I've tried Crest White Strips, both dissolving and regular (waste of time) Colgate whitening gel (tastes gross) and on and on. The problem with all of them is that you have to use them twice a day for like two weeks.

And I? Do not have that kind of attention span. Two hours though, I can do. Because TLC had back-to-back episodes of "I didn't know I was pregnant" or as CK's adorable friend Brenda calls it "I Pooped a Baby".

The first thing you do is mold the little mouth trays. Which was easy enough. Then, you fill them with the gel, also, easy. Then you stick them in your mouth and wait 20 minutes. Take them out, wait ten and repeat three more times until you've gone 2 hours.

The gel wasn't too icky tasting, and the trays were comfortable enough and the time limit was even reasonable. But my results? Eh. I wouldn't say my teeth were "noticeably whiter" when I was done. And this morning? OH MY LORD. My teeth are KILLING me. My gums are KILLING me. My tongue feels like I scorched it. I tried to drink a glass of ice water and it was TORTURE. Now, while I was doing the process, I didn't have any tenderness. It seems to have developed overnight. The instructions do say that some people develop short term sensitivity and that it goes away, so I'm not too worried, but DAMN. OW.

Price: $19

Worth: $8

Verdict: Skip it unless you have a coupon.

PS. Thank you everyone for your comments and advice yesterday. Even those of you that suggested things of questionable moral and legal nature. Loves you all!

Toasted

As a general rule, when I find something amazing, that works as described and isn't very expensive, I keep that shit to myself. Because I don't want y'all to be thinner AND prettier than me.

However, today I am feeling generous. Or I might just be whacked out on Xanax, but either way, I'm feeling like sharing and except for that one time where I spent a ton of money on crap that turned out to be totally useless and is now filling up the cabinet under my bathroom sink, except the Bumpit, which was kind of awesome and now my kid has totally stolen it because she's like that, that's not a situation that happens very often. You can probably blame my mother for that because she used to make me share EVERYTHING with my sisters and now she's not the boss of me and I don't have to share so I totally don't except, like now, when I do.

Or will, if I can ever remember what the fuck it was I was going to tell y'all about. Oh, right. I remember now.

Ahem.

So, being a ginger kid, I'm pretty pale all the time. Even though I live in the desert. Actually, ESPECIALLY because I live in the desert. It's too damn hot to go outside, thusly I spend all summer curled up on the couch watching Bravo and pretending it's winter instead of lying about sunning myself into a deliciously bronzed state of skin cancer.

However, next weekend I'm going to Vegas (again. This time with my husband though, so it's not like it's going to be any fun) and am planning on joining some friends for a kind of fancy dinner that I plan (hahahah) on wearing a skirt to. If I can find a skirt that fits. Given that Vegas is the same temperature as Phoenix (which is fucking hot) (lots of parenthetical remarks today. I blame public education for this) I have no intention of wearing nylons. But then again, I don't want to scare the shit out of the astronauts when the sun reflects off my ghost white legs.

So, I thought, why not give self tanner a try. But then I remembered that the LAST time I tried that I looked like a wood grained Oompa Loompa and while that's a look that Karl Lagerfeld can rock, I just haven't got the leathery face for it. So THEN I thought about going to one of those spray tan places, but allegedly the product they use makes you smell like Frito's and also it's like $50 and quite frankly, I'm far stingier than I am vain which means that's not going to happen.

Just when I was about to give up I spotted this stuff.



It's only $7 at WalMart and also it CLAIMS that it "reduces the appearance of cellulite" while giving you "a natural glow" over the course of a week. Smooth tan thighs? I'm SO IN. I tossed it in my basket and happily went home to try it.

The directions? Fairly specific. They want you to use it after a shower and after a shave and you have to rub it in using circles and then wait until it dries before you get dressed. So you don't stain your clothes, I guess.

The first day I felt a little tingle, but didn't see results. The second day, my ankle looked kind of dirty. The third day I forgot to apply it and the fourth day I applied it, but didn't bother to shave my legs.

By the fifth day though? I actually had a little color! Not noticeable "HELLO, Lindsey "Fake n' Bake" Lohan" color, but just enough of a tint that I no longer glowed in the dark. By the eighth day the color of my legs matched the color of my farmers tan arms so that I was uniformly not pale and also not tan. The color isn't oraganey at all, it's kind of a pale nut brown. Very flattering and not at all fakey looking.

Also? My thighs? Somewhat less lumpy looking. NO SHIT. I'm as shocked as you are. I have no intention of running about in short shorts or anything, but they look decidedly better. To me at least. No one else see them, so it's possible that my head meds are giving me delusions of sexiness, but who cares?

I'm TAN, bitches.

Kiki Titsling

PHEW. It's the last review day. I don't know how people do this all the time. Oh right. They get paid. Whereas *I* do it for the good of humanity. Because I am selfless and awesome like that.

Today, the final review isn't for His & Hers KY like Lorrie wanted, nor is it for Kreg's chainsaws or Eric condoms (with vibrating ring or otherwise). No, it's all about my favorite subject.

My boobs.

As you know, ladies, when you lose weight, you lose the girls.

Excuse me while I go sob quietly in the corner.

Ok, I'm back.

It's traumatizing enough to have to shop for new jeans (thank you Goodwill dollar day for my brand new with tags Old Navy Sweetheart jeans for $1 !) and it's even MORE upsetting to have to buy a new swim suit (thank you Mum for my Juicy Couture!) but to have to find new bra's.....I shudder.

All girls know about the maladies of bad bra's. Quatro-boob, shelf boob, loaf boob, elbow boob, cone boob, granny boob...need I go on? Having a bad bra on makes your old outfit...hell, your whole out look on LIFE just a little less rosy.

Previously, I was wearing a collection of very expensive bra's from Lane Bryant. And by very expensive I mean $60 EACH. I had seven. Each big enough to wear as a hat.

Now? Not so much.

LE SIGH.

So, I bequeathed my beautiful collection of barely worn bra's to my similarly big busted sister in law and started searching for less costly replacements. Because I have a sad, sinking feeling that the twins will be far smaller before I'm done.

While I was at Wal-Mart I found a few decent options.

Option A

This bra is by a brand called "Sweet Nothings" and retails for around $12. It fits decently, though the cups are weirdly pointy when you are shirtless when you are fully dressed, it's not too bad. It was fairly comfortable. My only problem was it rode up a bit during the day. Probably because to get cups that fit I went up a band size.

Cost: $12.88

Worth: $10

Verdict: Not a bad choice in a pinch.

Option B

This bra is by Fruit Of the Loom and is called the "Amazingly Comfortable Seemless Underwire"

OMG. It IS amazingly comfortable. Almost like wearing nothing at all. Which is about how much support you're getting. Still, it gives good, rounded shape, doesn't ride up, doesn't poke or pinch, and seems to hold everything up. Just don't jump around. Or run. You'll wind up with a black eye.

If, like me, you sleep in a bra, this one is perfect. One caveat, the cup sizes run large due to the stretchiness of the fabric, so buy your regular band size and try one cup size down for a good fit.

The color options were limited to black, white, pink and heather grey, but I can't imagine why you'd really need anything else.

Cost: $7

Worth: $7

Verdict: Perfect for low impact days. Like laying around the house reading a novel and eating Pirate's Booty cheddar popcorn

Of course, despite having found passable inexpensive options, I still just wasn't happy. I need my girls to look GOOD. Amazing. Traffic Stopping.

While I was waiting for M to wander to the mall to pick up the teeshirt I bought her (Jeff Hardy, because she's freakin' OBSESSED with Pro-"Wrestling" at the moment) I found myself at Victoria's Secret. A place I haven't shopped in, on, practically 20 years. They just didn't carry the size they need.

Now that I have little boobies (Down to a DD....sob) I pawed through the sale bin and was please to find some of the Bio Fit bra's that my cousin Bunny was raving about the other day when I lamented on FB that I need new tit slings. And it was on sale. Less than half of it's listed $50. Since the color's I found in my size matched my new panties (important in case you're in an accident) I bought one.

First off, you do not, apparently have to make this face

For your girls to look good. Which is important, because wandering around looking like a stoned zombie is probably going to get you some funny looks. That said, can I just get a halleluja from the audience?

This bra is AMAZING. So comfortable, perfect shape, doesn't ride, doesn't pinch, doesn't bunch or gap or make your boobs pointy.

Cost: $50 retail, currently selected colors on sale for about $23, annual sale starts 6/16

Worth: $23, 982.16 Seriously.

Verdict: Save your pennies. Buy one beautiful bra instead of several cheap ones!

Whew.

I'm done. Back to blogging about nothing.

Not Picasso

This blogging about actual STUFF is WAY harder than just posting pictures of my boobs and making disparaging comments about other peoples outfits.

But I already spent the money and in this economy that means that I've got no choice but to finish this week of blog reviews

(SIDE NOTE: Dear Tammyatvenus, HI! We love your product and we LOVE coupons! Tell your boss! Luvyoursmoothleggedguts, Thystle & the other weeds)

Anyhoodle, after that shameless bit of begging, (what, like you don't want some coupons for Venus razors? Yes, you do.) I will first address Miss Lovely BJ's question regarding the Bumpit I reviewed yesterday. It was very comfortable. In fact, I pretty much forgot it was there until my dog launched himself over the back of the couch and landed square on my head, spilling my beer and lodging the gripping spikes of the Bumpit into my brain.

Also, no thanks to Dr. Dollar Store Crabgrass, my $5.96 room freshener is still making things smell lovely. Even though I can't open a window, because A) It's 110* outside and B) my office doesn't HAVE windows, Miss Lorrie "open a window" Veasey.

Which brings us to today's review of Sally Hansen's Nail Design Pens!

I have to tell you this was probably the product I was most hoping would turn out to be awesome. I get my nails done every other weekend or so and at about $15 for a manicure (including tip), I was thinking I could save myself some serious cash. Enough cash to maybe buy some panties that aren't so large they slide off my butt and puddle recklessly about my knees much like the panties of a Scottsdale cheerleader.

But I digress. The insert shows you this

Super cute, right?

I'm fairly crafty and despite the fact that I'm currently begging anyone with drawing talent to help me design my new tattoo, I like to believe that I'm also somewhat artistic.

Clearly, Sally Hansen and I don't have the same ideas.

First off, the pens are about twice the price of regular bottles of nail polish at $7-$9 depending on where you buy them.

Secondly, the "paint" they used is very thin and watery. Not a nail polish consistency at all. On the plus side, it's also removable with plain water. As long as you only put it on a nail with that's been given a bottom coat. Don't get in on your skin, because even with nail polish remover the edges of my fingers remain tinted black from my attempt at giving myself a funky black tipped french manicure.

Which brings me to my last issue....my left hand? Looked great. My right hand? Not so much.

Possibly this is something that could be worked around, like by hypnotism, for example. Or maybe getting someone else do do them for me.

But if I'm going to get someone else to do my nails, why wouldn't I just cough up the cash and enjoy the massage, wax dipping and full on pampering involved in my salon manicure?

Now, to be fair, I didn't try them on my toes, so that might be an option.

I did manage to accomplish some sassy polka dots with relative ease. But I'm not 14, so they looked a little silly.

Cost: $7

Worth: $3

Verdict: eh. Not in love.- if you can get them on sale or are ambidextrous or even if you have little girls who like their nails done, I would cautiously say go for it

Instead:

Two options. If you have a Beauty Supply place handy (Such as Sally Beauty Supply) you can pick up "professional" nail design nail polishes like these

With the teeny little brush for around $2. Yes, should you mess up, you'd need to use polish remover to re-do the whole nail, but the results look vastly more professional. My Sally had seven or eight colors.

OR

Just raid your desk drawer for Sharpie Markers. Seriously. The silver and other metallic colors worked the best, although the regular black wasn't too bad. You'll want to paint a base coat and be sure to seal it with a clear top coat. Yes, it does seem a little seventh grade in the ghetto, but seriously, it worked perfectly!

Big Hair

I like big hair. Sadly, I don't have the sort of hair that lends itself to big hair. I have more the sort of hair that girls of the 70's dreamed about. Flat, stick straight, BORING hair. Blah.

The 80's, being my formative years have forever instilled on my brain that the bigger the hair, the sexier it is, so when the trend toward "bumped" or "slightly bee hived" hair came in I was all over it.

Only, my hair? NOT ON THE SAME PAGE. As a general rule my smooth bob resists all manner of teasing, fluffing, blowing out, ratting...well you got the idea.

So when I saw THESE I nearly swooned in the aisle

FINALLY I could have the big hair of my dreams!

The kit came with a "medium" a "tall" and a "small" sized insert. The small is designed for the small, over the forehead "model pouffe" style hair do. No need for that as my bangs manage to achieve that bit of craziness on it's own.

The directions call for you to part your hair just over your ears and then flip the front section forward and tease the base. Um..ok. I'm not very handy, but it comes with a little rat tail comb, so I broke out my bottle of Big Sexy and ratted it up.

My hair stood totally, straight up, sideways faux hawk style. It was sexy. Only. Not.

So I stuck the medium sized insert behind the part and smoothed the front hair over it. Because my hair is fairly short, it made me look like less like Bardot and more like a Cone head. Unwilling to give up, I pinned up the sides, and voila! CUTE HAIR! In under 5 minutes! AND on my first shot.

This is how their models look once teased to perfection

and this is how mine came out.

Not bad, right?

Cost: $9.99

Worth: $9.99

Verdict: If you love big hair and are hair-talent challenged or you know, lazy like me, well worth the $10

Smell Ya Later

My Gram, who keeps a spotless house, once told me that the easiest way to fake a clean house is to make sure that it smells good.


And that all your guests wear blindfolds.


I kid, I kid. But really. Scent is one of our strongest senses and it effects all other senses. If you had a the tastiest cupcake imaginable in front of you and the whole room smells like dog shit, that cup cake would be far less appetizing than if the whole room smelled like cinnamon and vanilla, wouldn't it?


Having three dogs, a teenager with questionable personal habits and a husband means that my house doesn't always smell...let's call it fresh. Add to that a dog that gets violently, explosively ill when Plug In room fresheners are used and I'm left with either the Renuzit plastic gel pop-up thingies or candles to bring back the calming fresh scent that I crave. Only the Renuzit thingies are ugly and candles + dogs with tails = insurance claims.


So when I say these guys





at Walmart for $5.96 I decided to give it a shot.


I bought two scents, Cranberry-Mandarin and Lilac. The cranberry Mandarin smells amazing. Fresh and crisp. I put it in my office at work and every time I open my office door the scent wafts out. It's not over powering and unlike many room fresheners it doesn't give me a headache.


The lilac doesn't smell very lilac-y but it does smell lovely. I put that one in my bedroom. Maybe because the door is usually open and the room is fairly large, the scent isn't very noticeable. It could also just be the nature of that particular scent. Still, the room does smell nice. I would recommend for a large room that you get two though.


Cost: $5.96



Worth: $5.96


Verdict: I will definitely buy these again! Much cheaper than the Glade version (which cost about $9) and way, way cheaper than the fancy ones at the mall (upwards of $10) they deliver a nice, long lasting fragrance. The "food" scents that I normally prefer like vanilla and cinnamon seemed a bit chemically, but the orange and cranberry Mandarin are nice. Plus the bottle & reed look is way prettier than a gray plastic cone.

Like Buttah

Hiya Muffins!

You know how some bloggers get paid to do product reviews and in addition to the glamorous life as a shill-woman they also get cash and free product? Well, I'm not that girl. Which means that when I review products (and that's what we're doing this week for lack of anything else to blog about) you know you're getting my honest opinion.

So, in the interest of keeping you all better informed and helping to stimulate the economy, I went out and spent $50 on crap that I'd seen on TV.

For starters, those of you who are hairy like me and my twin sister Julia Roberts

Understand the pursuit of painless, long lasting, easy hair removal.

So after seeing this product touted all over TV as being simple AND effective, I ponied up the $10

The kit comes with both small and large removal pads, the small being for areas like your face and the larger for arms and legs.

Reading the directions, it stated that the product was most effective on hair a 1/4" or shorter, so the lying commercial directors who show the removal of full length back hair are already taking liberties. I tried it on my not terribly hairy forearms and it did nothing. Literally, not a single hair was removed.

So I figured, what the hell, we'll follow the directions and using the directed three counterclockwise and three clockwise circular removal pattern sanded away at my knee. Because that's what this is, literally. Fine grade sand paper. Sure, the hairs felt smoother, but they certainly didn't GO anywhere. I did develop a nice layer of finely ground skin cells though which disguised my tree trunks by burying the hair in exfoliated dust. TRES SEXY, let me tell you. Once I wiped my legs with a damp washrag, the hair, while sanded to a smooth edge was still clearly visible.

Also? It took FOREVER. I did one leg and it took like 15 minutes. I could have shaved off all my body hair in that time frame.

Cost: $9.99

Worth: $0

Verdict: Don't waste your time and money

Instead:

These are amazing! Five blades, built in shave gel, replaceable heads.

I bought a 12 pack with a "free" handle and shower caddy for $24 at Costco. Yes, they're a bit expensive, but being able to rub your legs together with out having crickets come swarming to the mating call you're broadcasting makes it well worth it!