Monday, September 29, 2008

That, and learning I have two "Vastly different" sized nostrils.

Remember how I can't sleep? I finally decided that MAYBE blindly blaming on the dogs/husband was unfair. Probably not, but still.

And nothing says "TAKE THAT, SUCKER" like a report from a real, live, probably educated doctor siding with ME. Because, of course, I'm right. Which means that they will all have to do whatever I say and kiss my heinie and apologize profusely for wronging me and bring me wine while rubbing my feet and changing the channels to shows that I want to watch all while wearing "We're not worthy" shirts and begging me not to banish them to the couch.

Which is how I ended up on Saturday night at the sleep clinic to be tested for various forms of sleep apnea. Have y'all ever had a sleep study? No? Well let me tell you I don't know what they think they're going to learn from gluing 37 wires to your head and 12 to your body and then telling you to "go to sleep, but try not to move!" Because I, for one, did not sleep a damn wink. So you know what they learned? I can clean my ear with the pinkie finger, I can count to ten in German, I know all the words to 'The Gambler" and I when I eat fast food for dinner, I get the farts.

I hope they don't have Smell-o-vision on their monitors.

This is an ACTUAL picture of me on Saturday night.

Alright, maybe not an actual picture, because I was tied to the bed. And not at all in a delightfully kinky fashion either.

Although I did get a SWEET hickey.

Which made the whole thing worth it.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

In Which Ouiser and I blog together. (<--- I don't claim any of this)

So, I'm trying to get some work done here which is why I haven't blogged ( <-----LIES)

Maybe I'll blog later about my SUPER THRILLING trip to Wal-Mart in which I splurged in a giddy fashion on a vacuum. (<----LOSER)

Probably not. ( <---- That's the truth, about to time, too. I figured there'd be a flaming pants incident any minute.)

In all likelihood because I'm trying to find someone who wants to take a road trip to Nevada with me so that I can buy some Magners Irish Cider, which they don't sell in Arizona. (<----TOLD you we should move)

Although, it would probably be easier just to offer to show the internet my boobs in exchange for payment in booze. (<----not as clever a sentence as you though it would be, was it?)

In the mean time while I'm working (<----really blog surfing and eating candy "cherry" slices), y'all should get a look at this apartment in the Texas area. And let it be a lesson to you on why you shouldn't smoke. Or eat fast food (<----or have a cat)

Is it sad that I instantly recognized those cups as being from Whataburger? (<---Yes, it is)

Um, not sure the Fabreeze is going to be of any help. And also, ironing? Seriously? (<---- now we KNOW this isn't our house)

Not exactly a commercial for Resolve, either. (<----Boy Howdy)

I wonder if this "person" was a blogger? The only clean spot in the whole house are the QWERTY keys.... (<-----I bet she played World of Warcraft, too)

Sweet Jeebus, there's probably a dead cat in there. That might explain the smell (<----There might be dead PEOPLE in there for all you can tell)

"I just can't IMAGINE why my monitor keeps over heating?" (<----bet the Pakistani guy on the Dell helpline is still impossible to understand though)

Ah, breakfast in bed! SWEET. (<----GAG)

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. What the HELL is that on the toilet? I bet it's a drool from a shit demon. We should run. (<----AMEN to THAT sister.)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

And let's not ever do it again.

So, after MUCH ado and about 52,981 macaroons (color coordinated, of course) stuffed into bags and tied off with (color coordinated) ribbons and three (color coordinated, hand lettered and hand stamped) tags, my sister CK will evermore be known as CB.

Wasn't she a lovely bride?


But not about the lovely bride part. She designed her own dress and held her hair in place with an astounding 93 hair pins.

That's our Daddy, by the way, not the Groom. This is the Groom.

There was many hilarious moments, like when half the bridal party almost missed the rehearsal dinner thanks to traffic from Manhattan. But they all showed up. Which is good, because there was an open bar!

and the most delicious canoli's EVAH

That's my sister KL and her twin D. D is on the right. The resemblance is spooky, huh?
There was a sedate, but lovely bachelorette party (the banana hammock dance didn't happen until the morning of the wedding.) on the Spirit of New York.

Clearly, we were WAY under dressed compared to this guy

And there were mani/pedi's

With all the sisters and Mom (front) and Gram (taking up the rear and reading celeb gossip magazines....and sister LW who may or may not be having a massage chair induced orgasm in the center)
There was LOTS of food

And even MORE drinks
Because there was an OPEN BAR. And you know who has two thumbs and loves an open bar? THIS GIRL. And her Gram. Who drank ELEVEN glasses of wine and did TWO shots of whiskey. And didn't even have a hang over the next morning. That's skill right there, people. WICKED skill. You kids can learn from an 80 year old, (AHEM, KL who had a hang over the next day...rookie).

There were even SNIPERS! I mean, uh, PIPERS. In kilts.

There were about 9 bazillion (I'm not even exaggerating) pictures posed for

But all in all, a good time was had by all. A good exhausting time.

A good, exhausting, drunken, inside joke filled time.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Can you keep a Secret? - updated 4pm

Do y'all read Post Secret? If not, you totally should. It's amazing.

Post Secret also has a myspace and on this weeks myspace post, a reader posted that she loved getting secrets every week and that should any one be interested, she'd love to share a secret by text. This led to an onslaught on posted cell phone numbers. Literally, thousands.

I was hestitant at first...what if I text a stranger something I wouldn't tell anyone and they laugh at me? What if I tell something stupid and petty and secret and they judge me? What if they call me? What if, by putting my secret out there someone takes that secret and uses it against me?

But then again.

I believe that people are basically good. I chose to believe that most people share the same vulnerabilities.

I chose to trust.

So there, for the whole world to see, I posted my cell phone number. Within minutes I received the first text and they kept coming all day and into the night. Most Secreters and I texted back and forth four or five times, consoling one another, absolving one another, sending cyber hugs to every corner of the country.

Below are some of the secrets I recieved.

"I'm afraid boys will think I'm a lesbian because I'm athletic and not very girly"

"when I got the call that my little brother had died, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I wasn't crying because he was gone, I was crying because I almost got caught. I'm a horrible sister"

"Now that I've had gastric bypass surgery, I'm afraid I don't like my friends any more"

"My generation scares me"

"I've made it in a long distance relationship for over 2 years. It's wondering if he'll still love me when we're back together that scares me"

"Sometimes I wake up to my bitchy mother and wish I was magically waking up an adult"

"I always read the very last sentence first"

"I feel inferior to my friends. I obsess about the times they hang out and don't ask me to join them"

"I never loved my ex husband as much as I love my cat"

"My life has never been better!"

"I want to tell my engaged friends to RUN because I know how badly it can end and I want to save them the pain. But I don't want them to know how bitter I really am"

"I put my underwear on backwards sometimes, just because"

"I secretly wish for the doctors to tell me I need another back surgery. When people visit my hospital room it was the only time I've felt loved"

"I like the taste of my boogies"

"I think we don't ever truly know why we make our decisions"

"We're all writing the stories of our lives. I hope mine is worth reading. Don't chicken out!"

"When I was five, my father taught me how to masturbate"

"I think my friends take pictures with me so that they'll look prettier by comparison"

"I'm voting democrat even though I think Obama is the Britney Spears of politics"

"I didn't say no"

"I love him more than I ever dreamed anyone could love anyone, ever"

"I have cancer. I haven't told my girlfriend. If she leaves me, I'll just kill myself and save cancer the trouble"

"Everyone expects me to hold it together while hes deployed, but my family/friends don't really understand it...i can't hold it together"

"Every day, I think it will be the best day of my life. I'm usually right."

Added at 10:45

"I got pregnant on spring break in Panama the hotel security gaurd. I look at his my space pictures of his other kid and i'm glad my son turned out cute"

"I prefer to masturbate than have sex. To the point I'd rather watch my wife with someone else"

Added at noon

"I almost had an abortion with my first child. Shes 6 now and one of the best things I've ever done"

"I've been married six years. Sometimes, I don't think he sees me anymore"

"Even though I have no special talent, I wish one day i'll become a famous celebrity just so that everyone whos screwed me over will see me on tv & feel stupid"

Added 4pm

"im afraid i will lose all my loved afraid of death....I have the same knickname as you"

"She referenced a post secret card when telling her friend the idea of me was better than actually being with me"

"I am worried that I will never love anyone. I've been married 15 years."

"If I hd to 2 it ovr agn, I wud do it all diffrntly"

This project has been so amazing. One of the Secreters and I have been texting since about 9am yesterday. The ability to connect with a stranger has to be the most amazing thing about the internet.

If that day ever comes, which I doubt.

I'm day five with out my sweet elixir of life, Diet Dr. Pepper.

The shakes have pretty much stopped, but every where I turn I see my beloveds face. Mocking me with it's maroon and white beauty, taunting me as if to say "HA HA, SUCKER!" as it dribbles alluringly down the throat of another.

Today, I've managed to leave the fetal position and am mostly stretched out flat on the kitchen floor in my misery.

Perhaps by tomorrow, I'll have stop sniffing the last empty can for a scent of my dearests aroma.

By the end of the week, I may even no longer need to cuddle that empty 2 liter while I sleep!

Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Thursday, September 11, 2008

In Which I Save the Day, Everyday, Forever. With Chocolate


1 Coffee Mug
4 tablespoons flour(that's plain flour, not self-rising)
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons baking cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
some nuts (optional)
Small splash of vanilla

Add dry ingredients to mug, and mix well . Add the egg and mixthoroughly. Pour in the milk and oil and mix well. Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla, and mix again. Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes on high. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed!

Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired. EAT! (this can serve 2 if you want to share!)

And how exactly have I just saved the day? Because now we are all only 5 minutes away from chocolate cake at anytime of the day or night!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wednesday Child is full of Woe

Despite the fact that I make a point of being easy going; despite my oft espoused belief that kindness matters, I am not, nor have I ever truly been, a positive person.

Not at all deeply below my friendly veneer rests a chain smoking, whiskey swilling, cat hoarding old lady in grocery store “suntan” colored baggy knee high stockings and Visa! The Freedom Fabric permanently creased slacks, a flowered blouse with “pearl” snaps and a hair-do that defies both gravity and taste.

As a general rule, I can keep that old coot under control with only occasional and mild outbursts of sarcastic bitterness.

But not always.

Right now, Ouiser (that’s my old lady name, “Ouiser”) is pretty vocal. Every time I write a post it can be effectively translated to “GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS! AND STOP THAT LAUGHING BEFORE I TURN THE HOSE ON YOU.”

I’m not totally sure why Ousier has decided to take this opportunity to lecture you about the wasteful nature of not washing out and saving your Ziplocs and why now, of all the relatively peaceful times, has she decided that the fact you’ve not got a Kleenex neatly folded and tucked in your sweater sleeve is a good reason to glare balefully at you from beneath her drug store bifocals, but there it is.

So it’s not that I don’t love you, my invisible imaginary internet chickens, it’s that Ouiser needs her mental Metamucil.

In the mean time, I will be rocking on my pixilated front porch, sipping virtual cocktails if y’all want to stop by and say howdy.

I promise not to let Ouiser turn the hose on you.


Unless you’re wearing a white tee-shirt, then GAME ON.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Do your good deed for the day. - link updated

As a general rule, I don't repost things. Not even the ones where they beg and plead and threaten me with plagues of locusts and decades of bad luck.

Read the post below, click through to the link to her blog and investigate for yourself the validity of the post and then decide if you'd like to help.

I did (because I think we all know *I* can use the Karma).
---------------- Bulletin Message -----------------From: TAINADate: Sep 2, 2008 1:55

PMLaurie (Brown Sugar) from the GBE lost her Daddy this morning to cancer. Her mother is a Pediatrician who left Nebraska to set up her medical practice in Jamaica to help the underpriviledged. Laurie's mom lost her entire practice to Gustav.

Laurie is one of the finest people I have EVER had the pleasure of knowing.Laurie has for years taken on the task of being in charge of the OUTREACH program in the Atlanta area which feeds THOUSANDS of homeless and people in need of a good meal at Thanksgiving. Laurie will be leaving the Miami area to go to Jamaica to see about her grandmother and bring her mother much needed supplies. In doing this, she needs some help to get the OUTREACH program off and running in her absence. She asked for my help. I was honored. If ever there was a person to talk the talk and walk that's Laurie.

She has a blog posted on her page with a flyer about the OUTREACH Thanksgiving program. She's needs our help.. I have posted a link to the blog. It's set up as a raffle. THe tickets can be purchased for $5 by clicking the PayPal button on her blog.

My friend needs some love and support and she's trying to do a good thing here. FEED THE HUNGRY. I am asking each of you reading this to repost it..and ask YOUR FRIENDS to repost it. And if you can, buy a ticket or tickets. The prizes are nice and they have it set up to where you will be in the drawing even by doing this online.

Thank you.Taina