That, and learning I have two "Vastly different" sized nostrils.

Remember how I can't sleep? I finally decided that MAYBE blindly blaming on the dogs/husband was unfair. Probably not, but still.

And nothing says "TAKE THAT, SUCKER" like a report from a real, live, probably educated doctor siding with ME. Because, of course, I'm right. Which means that they will all have to do whatever I say and kiss my heinie and apologize profusely for wronging me and bring me wine while rubbing my feet and changing the channels to shows that I want to watch all while wearing "We're not worthy" shirts and begging me not to banish them to the couch.

Which is how I ended up on Saturday night at the sleep clinic to be tested for various forms of sleep apnea. Have y'all ever had a sleep study? No? Well let me tell you I don't know what they think they're going to learn from gluing 37 wires to your head and 12 to your body and then telling you to "go to sleep, but try not to move!" Because I, for one, did not sleep a damn wink. So you know what they learned? I can clean my ear with the pinkie finger, I can count to ten in German, I know all the words to 'The Gambler" and I when I eat fast food for dinner, I get the farts.

I hope they don't have Smell-o-vision on their monitors.

This is an ACTUAL picture of me on Saturday night.

Alright, maybe not an actual picture, because I was tied to the bed. And not at all in a delightfully kinky fashion either.

Although I did get a SWEET hickey.

Which made the whole thing worth it.