Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Right next to the TV remote and a Dorrito

I had this whole good blog post planned in my head like a half hour ago, but then, I dropped my birth control pill and spent 30 minutes crawling around on the floor, moving trash cans and cabinets and stacks of paper and when I finally gave up, I found it.

In my bra.

So maybe I'll post later, if I remember it, but if not;

Happy Turkey Day, y'all!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

If loving fat is wrong, I don't want to be right,

Bet you thought I wasn't going to post today? Well, I'm really not. I just wanted y'all to see this.

The 10 Unhealthiest Holiday Foods - 10 - MSN Health & Fitness - Nutrition Slide Show

Talk about a bunch of fun-sucks. They list like every single tasty food. So scoot down, because I'm going to need your part of the couch too according to MSN.

But it will be SO worth it.

Monday, November 24, 2008

In which I whine

Hiya Chickens.

I don't feel so terrifical. My tummy hurts still. Even though I spent all weekend on the couch drunk...(that was a typo, but I left it because it's funny even though what I MEANT was "drinking 7-up"). I blame the damn kid for my current case of infirmity. Can I just give you all a tip? Puking when you can't open your mouth more than 1"? VERY HORROR MOVIE. Seriously, the puke spews like a fire hose.

So if anyone wants to come and clean my bathroom, raise your hand.

What? None of you do? Fine. Doesn't matter, I did it myself already.

That was the only thing I did though and it took me all four of the hours I was awake yesterday to do it because I kept having to lay down in the shower and rest. Showers? Less comfortable than bathtubs. But jumbo Costco sized bottles of shampoo do make pretty good pillows, should you ever find yourself in need. Eventually, I did get it cleaned up, and have managed not to make a mess of it again. Except, can I just ask y'all WHY is it my husband always feels the need to shave/give himself a hair cut THE VERY MINUTE I finish cleaning the bathroom. Seriously, what is it about a clean sink that says "PLEASE fill me with thousands of teensy little hairs?" Very poor form. Good thing I'm saving for a maid. It's probably cheaper than a divorce. Although I hear murder-for-hire is getting more reasonable due to the weakening economy. Do you suppose hired killers have lay-away? I should call and ask.

No, that would be wrong. Hi, government blog monitoring people! I'm just kidding! Har-har?

Also not awesome, I have a houseful for the holidays. For whom I will be cooking and I HATE to cook. I tried to talk them into going out, but NO, some people believe in a beautiful family holiday in which the mom slaves away over the stove for 39 hours and then sits down to cold turkey because she was busy refilling the gravy.

While I slept for 20 hours on Saturday, the pig hunters (actually, they're javalina's which are peccaries, not pigs, but they look like pigs and anyway, WHO GIVES A SHIT, not me and now I've totally typed a big ass aside and lost the plot entirely. Where ways I? Oh yeah), no laundry was done, no floors were mopped, no carpets were shampooed, nothing was dusted, no clutter was cleared away and no grocery shopping was done. The dogs are pretty down with that last bit though, because they got hot dogs (including buns) for breakfast since we were out of dog food.

And now? I'm a work.

I needs a hug too, gratuitously adorable puppy.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Imitation Mondays; Less tasty than imitation vanilla

Morning Chickens!

I thought I posted yesterday, but I guess I didn't. I was going to post this;

Dear Internet,

When I look at my nose cross eyed, it looks really hairy. Would you please look at your nose and tell me if it's hairy too, because if not, I'm going to start freaking out.


A. Nonnie Mouse.

But today I have bigger problems. I think my jaw is out of alignment. Which, I didn't think you could do but Google says that you can and my stupid husband says is a result of talking too much. I think I can safely say that's not the cause as *I* rarely utter a peep. Right? Hush, you.

What Google DOESN'T tell me is what to do about it. Because as much as I would really super love to go and get the hook up with some tasty medical intervention, the fact of the matter is I have actual work to do today. I know, I know, but one day I week I figure I should do at least an hour or so worth of work. You know, because someone has to do it and as usual, I'm the only one in the office. Which kind of blows, but then again right now, I'm eating yogurt and blogging, so it's not like I can complain. Mostly because there is no one here to complain to.

I even flipped the phone to nights so that I wouldn't have to talk, but of course everyone that calls some how manages to figure out my extension and it's ringing to me anyway. And if there is one thing I can not stand, and who am I kidding, there are like nine million things that make me beyond fucking nuts, but if I had to pick one right now, I'd say that I HATE the sound of a ringing phone. I also hate the sound of dripping water, incessant sporadic ticking, people chewing, fingernail tapping, dogs licking themselves, children having tantrums while their parents ignore them, whining children, Fran Drescher, and nose blowing.

Did I mention that I'm cranky as a result of said painful jaw misalignment? Hm. Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out yourself. You're clever like that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wordless Wednesday - A year ago this week I was here

(The beach at Hanalei)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hooray for.....

No fair scrolling ahead, because it took me ten minutes to figure out how to email pictures from my damn Blackberry.

OKAY! Are you ready? Drum roll please!

Hooray Jane! Email me your address, if you please!

It's funny because it's true

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, I've always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?
Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never had it confirmed.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm whether Shrek was the strongest, Ang elina was the most gorgeous and Brad was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, it's true. The mirror told me that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said.......

'Who the hell is Miss Thystle?'

PS. Yes, yes, Kristin, Contest results will be posted today

PPS. Um, Hi! Hi Racie & Megan! I, uh, don't have your prizes in my purse still so no need to look in there! Just, um....HEY! A Penguin!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Dum Dum Dum DumDum Dum DumDum Dum

Morning Chickens!

I, as, usual am none to bright-eyed and bushy tailed. That's because I wax. Wait. What? Never mind. What I MEAN to say is that I once again did not sleep well. I can't even blame the dogs, since the primary reason for my wakefulness was the repeated slamming of the headboard into the wall. And not even the fun way. No, every time my beloved rolled over the bed lurched and slammed into the wall waking me up. Did you know he rolls over about 35 times a night? Neither did I, though I assure you I'm quite aware of it now.

As I tossed and turned myself (no headboard slamming thanks to my petite form...HAHA) I thought about a great many of the most ponderable ponderables the world has yet to ponder.

For example;

* Does the President get spam email? If so, I must wonder how he feels about the implication that his penis is of less than impressive size.

* How do the legs my pajama pants wind up bunched up about my thighs while I'm sleeping? Do I dream of my days as a Rockette?

* Did I remember to take the laundry out of the washer? No, I suspect not. Why does wet laundry begin to stink with in hours? A conspiracy by the detergent companies no doubt.

* Who buys the First Lady's tampons for her?

* Could the President, if he wanted to, change the song he enters a room to from 'Hail to the Chief' to 'March of the Empire'? Because that would be Bad Ass.

* If I were to burp 'March of the Empire' would it gain or lose it's dramatic appeal?

* Is this ring too much for day time?

* No, I don't care. I wore it anyway.

* Why do I always put off things until the last minute? Furthermore, knowing that, why do people ask me to do things for them? Especially unpleasant things?

* I wonder if there are any cookies left?

There weren't. And so I lay down on the couch to the sounds of thudding bed frames and snoring dogs and slept for about 12 minutes. Which might explain why my hair looks the way it does today.But probably not.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ouiser Says....

Just because you can get them on. Doesn't make them your size.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

is it THAT obvious?

Sitting on my desk I have a "shoe a day" calender. I get comments about it all the time from men and women alike. But none quite like the one I got yesterday;

Random Vendor: That's a cool calender.
Me: Thanks.
RV: It's perfect for you with all those shoes.
Me: Isn't it?
RV: You know, because you're a girl and you like shoes and stuff
Me: True
RV: the only thing MORE perfect would be one with sex toys.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I have, as usual, about 64,000 things that I should be doing, but of course am not. Not because I don't want to do them; but because I'm stubborn like that. And there's always tomorrow, because last time I check the filing elves were on strike. Short, lazy, bow legged bastards.

Lorrie was making fun of me the other day. Not that I'm tattling, but I totally am. She suggested that I should re-register this blog at and at first, I'm all, OW, MEANIE, but then I thought, that's frappin' hilarious. Because, let's be honest here, I do post a wicked lot of pictures of my boobs and my ass on this blog.

What can I say, they're magnificent. Awe-inspiring, even. SO THEN I thought what a great opportunity for a contest!

So, here's the contest; finish the following sentence;

My blog should REALLY be called________________because________________.

Enter as many times as you like, the winner will be drawn at random from the comments, so the more you comment the more chances you have to win!

The prize will be......A FLASK and a shot of some kind of alcohol!

The contest will run through Sunday night. If you can talk one of YOUR blog readers into comming over here to comment and they mention your name, you'll get an extra entry.

Awesome, right? I KNOW.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Lesson Learned

I think we all remember that time I wore this, but at least that was in the comfort of my own front yard. It's not like I go out in public like that, right?

Except that last night...well, last night, I was half way through assembling my new bed frame when I discovered that I was missing one of the screw-thingies that holds the side rail to the head board. And, of course, it was not the sort of screw one has laying around the house, thus necessitating a trip to man heaven...I mean, Home Depot.

Now, I don't know about you girls, but I'm not a big fan of the HD. For one thing, every single damn time I go there, it costs me $100 to be let back out. At the least. Not to mention that I leave there with grandiose plans of slate floors and paint 'treatment' walls with gorgeous fixtures and remote control fans despite knowing full well that the LAST project started in my home was five years ago and remains "in progress". In fact, I'm more likely to be struck by lightening while holding a winning lottery ticket and getting a congratulatory kiss from Teddy Bruschi than I am to see a home improvement project actually improve my home.

Nonetheless, I needed that damn screw and quickly because Monday Night Football was about to start and traffic around the stadium (where HD inconveniently resides) is dreadful. So, unthinking, I grab my gorgeous, classy purse, slip on some $1 flip flops and dash out the door.

Dressed like this

No, you're not seeing things. I'm wearing a "burn out" pink tee shirt with a bright blue bra under it. In public.

And you know what? I'm going to do it again, because those HD guys? NEVER more attentive!

Monday, November 10, 2008

Oh, Schnapp!

There are any number of things that one should stop doing when one turns thirty. For example, cartwheels. Or, wearing mini skirts outside of the bedroom.

Or partaking in $1 shot night at the bowling alley.

Because, as it turns out, once you are no longer 23, you simply are unable to drink your face off and then arise the next morning unscathed.

A mere $8 into $1 Schnapps night and I'm hosed! It's like I was some kind of rookie! It's almost as though I didn't spend 4 years of college majoring in Shit Faced. By $12, I'm staggering around professing my undying love for things like the pool table and the drinking fountain. Then, crying when they did not love me back. When $15 rolled around the bartender cut me off and J had to take me home.

But first, we stopped at Taco Bell.

Sitting on the couch, talking to my chalupa about my thoughts on the recent election, global warming and what the best investments are in the current market, I realized that I needed a shower. Because my hair was so dirty. Seriously, how did my hair get this dirty? Was it this dirty earlier or is it a result of when I tried to restyle it into a mohawk using butter and decorating sugar?

So I carefully wrapped my leftovers up in a pillowcase and put them in the laundry room cupboard and go to the bathroom, turn on the water and get into the shower fully clothed.

Then M yells through the door;

"If you drown in there, can I have your stuff?"

Because that is the love my child has for me. Inspiring, isn't it?

Friday, November 7, 2008

Yes, I would like cheese with that

Today, things are annoying me. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because no one loves me and feeds me peeled grapes while listening to me complain and then offering to fetch me ice cream and rub my feet while I watch reruns of shows featuring Tim Gunn.

But are any of you doing that? NO. No, you're not.

So fine. You know what? Now you have to listen to me complain anyway. SO THERE.

* Yesterday, I was mistaken for a whore. And offered $40 for car head. At first, I'm like, uh? I'm no mechanic, but I think headers are more expensive than that? Then, I was all, WTF? Uh. No. It's not that I'm necessarily against sex for pay, but $40? How insulting.

*This economic down turn has thus far not effected me over-much. It has however effected nearly all of the people I know. Which is cool. I get that maybe you don't have money for our weekly dinners out, but for gods sake SAY SO. Do not wait until the bill comes and then hand me $3!! I don't really mind paying, but I'd like to know in advance!

*My sweater stinks. Not badly, but just oddly. Like the laundry detergent wasn't good smelling or something. It's really bugging me. I'd take it off but I'm wearing a rather sluttastic tank top underneath it and after being mistaken for a hooker yesterday, when I was wearing a crew neck teeshirt, I can only IMAGINE what I'll be mistaken for in this shirt.

* I'm at work today. That blows.

* I thought I put on a black bra this morning, but it's really navy blue. So now, my bra doesn't match my panties and if I get in an accident, the doctor is going to refuse to treat me and I'm going to die.

* it's cooled down here, but isn't cool enough to switch out my wardrobe.

* I've had a headache for like a week. It's probably a tumor.

* I wanted to write a good blog, you know something witty and maybe educational, but do you think I could think of a topic? NO. Of course not.

* Did you guys watch 30 Rock last night? I think I'm un-breaking up with Oprah. That was some funny shit.

ALright, I'm done whining. Unless you think there is something else that I should be whining about. What are YOU whining about today?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

With all Districts Reporting...

Y'all are a terrible influence on me, you realize that, right? Here I am, TRYING to be good. TRYING to clean up my unbelievably foul mouth and you know what the landslide winner was?

To just keep swearing.

Seriously, it wasn't even a contest, it was a SMACK DOWN with swearing taking in more than four times the votes of the next closest word.

BUT since the contest was to find a replace for swearing in situations when I can not (well, should not) swear, that makes our winner....


RACIE LOVER for her suggestion of "frappin"!!

Yay for Racie!

You know what though? It's my blog and I can do whatever I want, so there is also a BONUS prize! That's right I'm spreading the booze around! So let's give a big hand to Megan at Smartini for her submission "Heaven Help Me".

So, ladies, I raise a Kikitini to you this morning....well, not really raise it, more like suck it furiously through a bendy-straw while pretending it's just pineapple juice and hope that no one notices I'm singing songs from the hit Disney musical 'Little Mermaid' while laying under my desk with my feet up on the chair instead of doing important accounting things it is accounts are meant to be doing.

I will be sending your prizes out this week and if the bottles arrive empty; I don't know how it happened!

Monday, November 3, 2008

AND the winner is.....

I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatevah I want. Also, because tomorrow is The ELECTION Day of all election day's and I'm obviously going to be much to busy watching CNN, MSNBC, Faux News and all the rest of the talking heads to blog.

Or to do any work.

So, basically, it's just like every other day, except that it's Tuesday and some days aren't. Why? Because they just aren't; that's why.

Instead I'm going to make you all SUPER jealous by regaling you with tales of plunder, a random list, some things I keep forgetting to tell you and a place where I beg for favors.

Maybe in that order, maybe not.

Why? Because I can.

Have y'all ever been to an outlet "mall" because your BFF said it was an absolute MUST VISIT money saving DREAM? Then been all "really? I drove eleventy hours for this? A Bali Bra outlet and a Mikasa? Really? I DEMAND MY GAS MONEY BACK, you bitch." Well let me tell you, the outlet mall in San Ysidro, CA? Not that mall. Just ask BJ whom I texted updates like "spending the mortgage payment" from the Coach factory store. Oh, yes. That's right. An outlet store for the purse of all purses, the classy, stylish, expensive Coach store.

Where I got an all leather purple hobo bag for $115. Instead of it's "real" store price of $400. And I happen to know this is a current-ish style & color, because I totally made out with the window display in the store near Union Square just a month ago.

AND THEN. Oh, yes, there is more. I got a logo print, patchwork evening sized bucket purse for $20. As in one dollar more than nineteen dollars. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Then, we had to go home, because, you know, I spent all my lunch money for the rest of the year.

Now for the random list of stuff that was in my purse (sub title, I know why I have shoulder pain)-

* Four half chewed packages of gum. All the same flavor

* Two 9mm rounds (also 6 shells casing of various caliber...keeps the cops guessing)

* eleven pennies, including one that had been run over

* A key to something, though I know not what

* 6 handi-wipes from Phil's BBQ...mmmm ribs

* 9 losing Power Ball tickets

* some kind of pill - I took it. I feel fine except for these antlers that are growing from behind my ears. I'm sure it's unrelated though.

* a box of binder clips for keeping my shirt from gaping open. Unopened, of course.

* 7 shades of lip gloss/stick/etc, almost all in some shade of red. None the "right" shade though.

* a used Kleenex (ew). I'll assume it's a snot rag not a "happy rag"

* Door key for some Marriott hotel somewhere. I sure hope that guy managed to chew through the scarves.

* ANOTHER door key for a Marriott hotel. Presumably a different one. Or maybe the same one. I always black out when I've been drinking Uzo, so there is no telling.

* 4 ribbons, random lengths. Possibly related to room keys above.

* a single, green, linty gum drop. I hate gum drops.

That was just the "odd" stuff too. I didn't even touch on the regular stuff like the iPod, cell phone, vitamins and .38 Smith & Wesson that belong in there. I should just get a rolling suitcase. Or a minion. Who wants to be my minion? It pays nothing and I sometimes do not excuse myself when I pass gas. Apply in the comments with a sample of your best flattering for consideration.

Hey! Remember how I had that sleep study? Turns out I DO have sleep apnea, except that I always sleep fine when I'm not at home and have a whole bed to myself. But those two studies cost my insurance company about $6000 (I'm not even exaggerating) so I'm totally taking that machine and selling it on eBay and using the proceeds to buy shoes. It's my own personal economic stimulus plan. I'm very civic minded, you know.

Those of you in California no doubt know about the Prop. 8 vote tomorrow. (Move along if you don't like politics even a wee little bit), For those that DON'T know, Prop 8 is about gay marriage. There were protesters out on the corner, and I being both classy AND tasteful and Deloris who is loud as shit and twice as crazy, put on a make believe lesbian love show for them. Because why shouldn't gays be just as miserable as the rest of us? No reason, that's why. Everyone should be given the opportunity to hog covers, leave dishes on the sink and threaten to abandon home and hearth for the circus with only their legal binding to prevent it. Also? How cute are Ellen and Portia? Don't you just want to go to there house and play Scene It? I know I do. And if you vote yes on Prop 8, then the Lord Baby Jeebus is going to be super mad and smite you for preventing that. I know, because I'm a minister.

M wants to go to boarding school for high school. Good idea/bad idea?

My toe that I smashed the other week is all crookedy.

Lorrie keeps giving Kristin prizes, and I love them both and would NEVER say they're cheating or anything like that; but I suspect there is bribes involved.

Now the part where I ask for something. Less of a something and more of and informational suggestion. I've got a friend in the LA/Oxnard area who's looking for a job and would be very grateful for any assistance thrown his way. He's got quite a lot of retail management experience and also some office/call center experience. If you know of anything that might fit the bill drop me a line.

I'll come over and drink Uzo with you to show my gratitude to your helpfulness.

But be sure to hide the scissors first. Because I won't answer for suggesting this