Things that are proof that the Universe is Evil and conspires against us:
1) Those really cute shoes that are the last pair and really cheap will always be a half size too small. So you'll buy them anyway, because they'll TOTALLY break in, right? Only they won't and you'll have to hobble around with bleeding feet all day because OF COURSE it's the one day your normally sedentary life turns into a MUST RUN EVERYWHERE busy sort of day.
2) You only have a good hair day when there is no one to show it to. You will have a HORRIBLE hair day when there are to be photos taken. That girl you hate? Her hair is always perfect.
3) The next person to sit at the slot machine you just put $20 into will drop in a dime and win $500 on her first spin while you're still close enough to see her jump for joy.
4) If you used to wear a size xxl and now wear a size medium, everything on the clearance rack that you love will be a size XXL
5) The roadtrip you elect to opt out of will be the one that your friends will never shut up about for the rest of your lives.
6) The lipstick color that you LOVE and that looks perfect on you will obviously have to immediately be discontinued. Same with the jeans that make your legs look long and thin and the underware that doesn't ride up and the perfect shade of red nail polish.
7) If you pass a sign that says "no services for the next 60 miles" and you think "I don't really need to pee" you WILL REALLY NEED TO PEE and you'll have to find a bush on the side of the road, dig around under the seats for an only slightly filthy McDonalds napkin to use as toilet paper and pray that no one sees you squat and also that you don't pee on your shoes and that a snake or a rabid badger or a really big hairy spider doesn't creep up and bite you on the ass and so when that piece of grass tickles your ass you'll wind up jumping up mid stream and then there will pee all over your pants and you'll have to ride in pee-pants.
8) The time you don't close all the windows on your computer and leave Farmville open on your desk top when you get up to get a coffee will be the time your boss decides to come by and wait for you to return.
9) The $59 airfare isn't going anywhere you want to go at any time you could go there. Or, worse, becomes available on YOUR flight only after you've booked a non-refundable $250 seat.
10) If it tastes good, it's bad for you.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Conspiracy Theory
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Stuffs
(ex. A)
(ex. B)
(ex. C)* Unless you have treats. Then, you get this.
* My pants make it look like I have a load in my drawers. And, now that I've photographed it, apparently I also have a bad case of "noassatall".
(this picture is for Dream who thinks that there isn't enough pictures of my ass on the Internet)
* Not at all related to my ass, how cute is this guy?
That's Frank, my sisters other Dad. He might, or might not be a leprechaun. Verdict is still out. If you live in NYC you can see him and sister CF marching about with the County Tyrone pipe and drum corp.
* And finally, PDA, from your parents, is always, always gross. Always. And forever. Amen.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Imaginary BookClub
The lovely and talented Miss Lorrie Veasey did a one sentence book review a few weeks ago and I thought it was total brill.
So I thought to myself, self, (that's what I call me; "self") I thought, "self, you could totally do that one of these days when you don't have anything to blog" and then I said "uh, you mean like every day?" and then Self got all uppity with me and I had to go all Christian Bale on her ass and now no one at Starbucks will sit by my anymore, which is fine, because I prefer that my companions do not smell like cheese anyway.
Without further ado (and by "ado" I mean "crazy rambling"), I have reviewed this months reading list for you.
The Road by Cormac McCarthy
Summary: Desperate times mean desperate measures and also lots of walking.
Verdict: No matter how bad things seem, there are good guys out there.
The Year Of Fog by Michelle Richmond
S; A little girl is lost...or is she?
V: The ones who love you most will never give up on you.
Ladder of Years by Anne Tyler
S: Can you really walk away from your whole life?
V: Not if you can't leave yourself behind too.
The Vanishing Act of Esme Lennox by Maggie O'Farrell
S: What happens when the forgotten are not gone?
V: "Female hysterics" aren't funny.
Duma Key by Stephen King
Friday, January 30, 2009
True Stories
Monday, November 3, 2008
AND the winner is.....
I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatevah I want. Also, because tomorrow is The ELECTION Day of all election day's and I'm obviously going to be much to busy watching CNN, MSNBC, Faux News and all the rest of the talking heads to blog.
Or to do any work.
So, basically, it's just like every other day, except that it's Tuesday and some days aren't. Why? Because they just aren't; that's why.
Instead I'm going to make you all SUPER jealous by regaling you with tales of plunder, a random list, some things I keep forgetting to tell you and a place where I beg for favors.
Maybe in that order, maybe not.
Why? Because I can.
Have y'all ever been to an outlet "mall" because your BFF said it was an absolute MUST VISIT money saving DREAM? Then been all "really? I drove eleventy hours for this? A Bali Bra outlet and a Mikasa? Really? I DEMAND MY GAS MONEY BACK, you bitch." Well let me tell you, the outlet mall in San Ysidro, CA? Not that mall. Just ask BJ whom I texted updates like "spending the mortgage payment" from the Coach factory store. Oh, yes. That's right. An outlet store for the purse of all purses, the classy, stylish, expensive Coach store.
Where I got an all leather purple hobo bag for $115. Instead of it's "real" store price of $400. And I happen to know this is a current-ish style & color, because I totally made out with the window display in the store near Union Square just a month ago.
AND THEN. Oh, yes, there is more. I got a logo print, patchwork evening sized bucket purse for $20. As in one dollar more than nineteen dollars. I KNOW, RIGHT?
Then, we had to go home, because, you know, I spent all my lunch money for the rest of the year.
Now for the random list of stuff that was in my purse (sub title, I know why I have shoulder pain)-
* Four half chewed packages of gum. All the same flavor
* Two 9mm rounds (also 6 shells casing of various caliber...keeps the cops guessing)
* eleven pennies, including one that had been run over
* A key to something, though I know not what
* 6 handi-wipes from Phil's BBQ...mmmm ribs
* 9 losing Power Ball tickets
* some kind of pill - I took it. I feel fine except for these antlers that are growing from behind my ears. I'm sure it's unrelated though.
* a box of binder clips for keeping my shirt from gaping open. Unopened, of course.
* 7 shades of lip gloss/stick/etc, almost all in some shade of red. None the "right" shade though.
* a used Kleenex (ew). I'll assume it's a snot rag not a "happy rag"
* Door key for some Marriott hotel somewhere. I sure hope that guy managed to chew through the scarves.
* ANOTHER door key for a Marriott hotel. Presumably a different one. Or maybe the same one. I always black out when I've been drinking Uzo, so there is no telling.
* 4 ribbons, random lengths. Possibly related to room keys above.
* a single, green, linty gum drop. I hate gum drops.
That was just the "odd" stuff too. I didn't even touch on the regular stuff like the iPod, cell phone, vitamins and .38 Smith & Wesson that belong in there. I should just get a rolling suitcase. Or a minion. Who wants to be my minion? It pays nothing and I sometimes do not excuse myself when I pass gas. Apply in the comments with a sample of your best flattering for consideration.
Hey! Remember how I had that sleep study? Turns out I DO have sleep apnea, except that I always sleep fine when I'm not at home and have a whole bed to myself. But those two studies cost my insurance company about $6000 (I'm not even exaggerating) so I'm totally taking that machine and selling it on eBay and using the proceeds to buy shoes. It's my own personal economic stimulus plan. I'm very civic minded, you know.Those of you in California no doubt know about the Prop. 8 vote tomorrow. (Move along if you don't like politics even a wee little bit), For those that DON'T know, Prop 8 is about gay marriage. There were protesters out on the corner, and I being both classy AND tasteful and Deloris who is loud as shit and twice as crazy, put on a make believe lesbian love show for them. Because why shouldn't gays be just as miserable as the rest of us? No reason, that's why. Everyone should be given the opportunity to hog covers, leave dishes on the sink and threaten to abandon home and hearth for the circus with only their legal binding to prevent it. Also? How cute are Ellen and Portia? Don't you just want to go to there house and play Scene It? I know I do. And if you vote yes on Prop 8, then the Lord Baby Jeebus is going to be super mad and smite you for preventing that. I know, because I'm a minister.
M wants to go to boarding school for high school. Good idea/bad idea?
My toe that I smashed the other week is all crookedy.
Lorrie keeps giving Kristin prizes, and I love them both and would NEVER say they're cheating or anything like that; but I suspect there is bribes involved.
Now the part where I ask for something. Less of a something and more of and informational suggestion. I've got a friend in the LA/Oxnard area who's looking for a job and would be very grateful for any assistance thrown his way. He's got quite a lot of retail management experience and also some office/call center experience. If you know of anything that might fit the bill drop me a line.
I'll come over and drink Uzo with you to show my gratitude to your helpfulness.
But be sure to hide the scissors first. Because I won't answer for suggesting this
again.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Tag, I'm It!
Here's How It Works:
1. Link the person(s) who tagged you (DUDE. I don’t know how to LINK. Y’all go over to the blog roll and click on "Give Me A Minute, I'll Come Up With Something", okay? Please? She’s awesome.)
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours… (all my quirks are spectacular)
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…(All y’all are tagged. SO THERE)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.
Six Quirks About Me:
1) I annoy my husband to death with my need to have a made bed before I sleep. If the pillows and sheets aren’t “right”, I’ll fidget all night. I never make the bed in the morning though, I always make it right before I get in it.
2) If I was stranded on a desert island (as opposed to just in the desert) and I could only take one thing, I would take tweezers, because I am terrified of chin hairs. I have ONE chin hair that I’ve named Charlie because he shows up EVERY DAMN DAY.
3) Despite my overwhelming love for shoes and handbags, I have surprisingly few of either. But I LOVE red shoes. LOVE them. I currently have five pairs of red shoes, all of them shiny. I wore a pair yesterday, as a matter of fact. I hate tennis shoes though. I own one pair and wear them only to the gym because I think they’re ugly. I totally do not get people who wear big, clunky, blinding white trainers every where, every day. There are so many beautiful shoes out there people! Diversify!
4) I currently have 9 tubes of mascara. I’ve got a serious obsession with my eyelashes. If I didn’t think it would make me look like a stripper, I would wear fake lashes every single day. As it is, I have tried just about every brand and formula of mascara in existence. My favorites are Tarte “Lights, Camera, Lashes” for dressing up (it’s $18 a tube, but AMAZING) and for daily wear Maybelline “Lash Blast, Volume Blasting Mascara” both in black. I’ve worn mascara every single day since I was twelve and I think I look beady eyed with out it.
5) I claim that I hate to cook, but really I just hate to have to decide what to cook. By the time I decide the menu, shop, put away, take out, prepare, dish and serve it, I’m TOTALLY over whatever it was. When I had a roommate who liked to cook, I loved to cook with her. She would plan the meal, we’d shop for it together and split the prep and clean up and I had a blast. I do like to bake though, but I also like to eat what I bake, so normally I don’t, because I would weigh about 500lbs if I baked every time I felt the mood. I find it very soothing. That’s why everyone around me gets fat, because I like to feed them up with things like Black Forest Cupcakes and Skor Cookies.
6) If I hear the same song twice on the radio, I’ll change the station. There are like eleventy billion songs out there, so I can’t fathom why they play the same song twice an hour.
So there you go. AND NOW, for my encore, I’ll proceed with my NEXT tag;
10 random Facts about me!
Yeah, I know, I’m vain. But you love me.
1) I am right handed, but left eye dominant.
2) My life’s goal is to be a guest on the Oprah Show.
3) When I was a teenager, I worked at a series of summer camps where you went by a code name. Mine was “Gecko”. Years later, when M was a camper there, there was ANOTHER counselor called Gecko, as it turns out, her first name was ALSO Kendra. But she was born on Hawaii instead of Guam. FREAKY.
4) I believe in past lives, ghosts, collective memories and most other forms of “new age” beliefs. I think there is too much that we don’t understand and therefore dismiss. I call every ghost George after the ghost that lived in my little house and used to turn the drawers upside down and then replace them so the silverware fell out when you opened them. He was a prankster that one.
5) I dye my eyebrows.
6) You can always tell how things REALLY are in my life by the cleanliness of my house. The more stressed/unhappy I am, the cleaner my house. When things are good, my house is a wreck. I think this is because I need to feel in control and the act of cleaning and setting things to rights allows me to do that. The house is a wreck right now, by the way. =)
7) Sometimes, NOTHING tastes better than a hot dog with mustard and onions and an icy cold Coke Classic. Bonus points for being consumed with in sight of the ocean.
8) I have a permanent retainer glued to the inside of my bottom teeth
9) I’m thinking about piercing my nipples
10) I used to want to change my name to something more mainstream, like Christina or Jennifer, but now I like having an unusual name.
So there you go, 16 random bits of over sharing. Do you feel enlightened?
OH! And Crap! I forgot that I was ALSO tagged by I forget who with the “ASK ME ANYTHING” tag. As if you don’t know EVERYTHING about me already, right?
So, here’s the deal, you can ask me ANYTHING. Nothing is off limits and I have to answer. Leave your questions in the comments and I’ll post them later. This is your chance, peeps, don’t let it slip away. (Like I needed a tag for this? My middle name should be OVERSHARE!)
Friday, June 6, 2008
"B" Side
I was thinking last night, when I should have been sleeping. That seems to be my curse, recently. Sleeplessness I mean. Not thinking.
I was thinking about how every favorite song I’ve ever had could be the story of my life. Not my life right then exclusively, either. There is something about some songs that make them stick with you. It’s as if the song writer reached into your brain and pulled out every hope, every fear, and every thought and set them to music.
I tried to remember every song that’s ever been my favorite. My song. It’s funny, you know, I can remember almost all of them. Words and all. I could sing them for you if you wanted me to. I assure you that you don’t though. Music? Not my gift.
So here, in the interest of vanity, is my list. The mixed tape of my life you could say. (In chronological order, as best I can recall). It’s long, but I couldn’t make it shorter, so just stay with me here!
Looking for Love – Johnny Lee. A sweet little country song from the eighties about never finding love when you’re looking for it. Nice. Excellent first favorite song. I was 3 or maybe 4 when I begged for this record at the PX in Ewa Beach. Do you suppose your first favorite song sets the tone for your life? I hope not, because M’s first favorite song? Mambo #5
The Gambler – Kenny Rogers. I know.
Take It Easy – The Eagles. I still love this song. I love the covers of this song. I have been through Winslow, AZ, but I’ve yet to stand on the corner there. I will though, it’s on my LIST.
It’s my Life – Billy Joel. This was the theme to the show “Bosom Buddies”. I loved that show and I still do. Tom Hanks in drag? Always funny. But the song; that I didn’t get until much later. Every time I hear it, I sing along. Sorry.
Time after Time – Cyndi Lauper and later Eva Cassidy. Who didn’t have this album? It had Girls Just Wanna Have Fun on it as well. Also an excellent song, but some how the slightly stalkerish feel of Time after Time always felt more me.
9 to 5 – Dolly Parton. I had this on tape and wore it out. We had a skit, I think, that involved water balloons and bra’s stolen from my mother’s drawers. We used to perform it on the neighbors retaining wall as we lip synced into broom handles and blared the music on the olive green tape deck we found in my dad’s “work” room.
Posse on Broadway – HF and I spent HOURS stopping the tape and scribbling down the lyrics on purple note book paper with a purple pen. I still know all the words. This song is way better than Baby Got Back if you ask me. A close second to this would have been Kid Sensation Buttermilk Biscuits because it’s hilarious.
The Unforgiven – Metallica. Nice and depressing. Just the way a teenager’s favorite song should be.
Live and Let Die – Guns n’ Roses. OMG, did I want Slash’s hair. I got this song on tape from a friend for Christmas. I bought her one of the “Use Your Illusion” CD’s and she bought me the other.
You Spin Me Right Round (like a record) – Dead or Alive. This song was old by the time it infiltrated my life. I think I was 14 or maybe 15 and Miss Diva and I would occasionally ride the bus to the University District in Seattle and sneak/cajole/flirt our way into clubs. I have a very vivid memory of Miss Diva in Mini Mouse ears at a bus stop at 5am. The sun is just coming up and we’ve been out all night. I remember wishing I could be that cool all the time. I totally wasn’t though. I was a huge dork.
Rusty Cage – Sound Garden. I’d been listening to Seattle punk scene for a while. This was the first big single for Sound Garden and it was cool to say that I was a fan before.
Bird House in Your Soul – They Might Be Giants. This one came to me via a mixed tape from a friend with infinitely cooler music sense then I’ll ever have.
Jose Cuervo – Shelly West. This song taught me about drunken one night stands. We played in incessantly on the juke box at the back of the Four Aces while we nursed cokes and fries with cheese. And generally acted like idiots. This is the song I learned about boys to. It reminds me of a time in my life where anything was possible and Fire Birds and Marlboro Reds were cool.
Hearts in Armor – Trisha Yearwood. Ah, yes. Broken, wounded, angsty hearts. Teenage dramatics much? Still a good song though. This song took me to college. I remember listening to it in the car on my super awesome new Disc Man and thinking about the boy I’d left behind. Stupid Boys. They’re about to become a theme on this playlist.
Desperado & Peaceful Easy Feeling – The Eagles. Both songs remind me of boys. Of two different boys. One I loved and one I thought I loved. Both broke my heart, but for different reasons. Then? Then I hated them, but now I think it was just a lesson I needed to learn.
Asshole – Dennis Leary. This song? This one came on a mixed tape from the boy I did not love and who did not love me. He taught me about lying, about what it means to take responsibility for your actions and why you should always trust your instincts. He was the type of boy that you shouldn’t have in your past. He was the type of boy who taught me to guard my thoughts. I am still angry with him. But he did make a kick ass mixed tape.
The Dance – Garth Brooks. This song, too, reminds me of a boy. This boy was worse than the rest, the worst one before or since. But I loved him. God save me from myself, but to this day, I think about him. Every day. I sometimes think I see him, in places where he should not be and my heart stops. For just a moment, everything stops and I can not breathe. But then, it’s not him and my heart pounds in my ears and I’m not sure if I’m glad for it or not. Because the paperwork involved in homicide is very daunting…but not daunting enough to dissuade me.
Cecilia – Simon & Garfunkel. This song used to play all the time at the Rockin’ R Bar. My gorgeous roommate Larkin and I used to sneak in and pick up boys. One night, we hooked up with a Hawaiian and a bull rider who we were taking home with us, only they got in a fight in the parking lot when some dumbasses tried to beat up the retarded guy who used to drink there as well. The cowboy’s name was Jeff I think and I can still hear him saying “They knocked out my GodDamnit Tooth! Five years of bull riding and I never lost a one and now a stupid ass goat fucker gone knocked out my goddamnit tooth!”. Good times, good times.
I Must Increase My Bust – Lords of Acid. I had almost forgotten this one. Larkin and I used to play this album so loudly the windows rattled. I wonder if I still have this CD?
Closer to God – NIN. At the risk of telling you WAY TOO MUCH, this song? Every time I hear it all I can think about is wild, wild sex with a long haired boy who didn’t belong to me. I can’t hear it with out getting aroused.
Margaritaville – Jimmy Buffet. My twin and I are living in a turquoise singlewide at the end of a dirt road. There is a cast of characters and drama and heart ache. There are moments where everything is clear and perfect and days when I can not bring myself to get out of bed. In the back ground though is always the thought that I can walk away, any time I want and it keeps me going.
Trashy Women – Confederate Railroad. This ties with Fat Bottom Girls by Queen for the song I want playing in the opening credits when my life becomes a movie.
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton. I am raising a baby by myself now. I have a boyfriend that I have written a friend “will do for now”. He’s in a band, which is cool. He plays the guitar and sings to me sometimes when we’re alone. I’d never heard this song before he played it for me. When he sang it on stage, adding it to the set at my request, he’d change the lyrics from “long blonde hair” to “long red hair” for me. He kind of sucked as a boyfriend, but that will stick with me always, the very public acknowledgement of my existence.
Song for the Dumped- Ben Folds’ Five. This is the kind of break up I always wished I had the balls for.
Don’t Want to Miss a Thing – Aerosmith. This was the theme to the movie my husband took me to on our first and only date. It was our first dance when we got married less than a year later.
Cold Day in July – The Dixie Chicks. Every marriage has it’s ups and downs and I suppose mine no more than any other. This song reminds me that it needs to be nurtured because the end sometimes come with a whimper rather than a bang.
Milkshake – Kelis. To be honest? I don’t really love this song, but it reminds me to laugh. I worked at a job I didn’t like but stayed at because I loved my coworkers. It was the kind of job you didn’t want to miss, because you never know when the next in-joke will start and you want to be in on it. One day things were particularly stressed, so I stood up and said, “Hey! I just want you all to know something!” and then started singing and shaking my booty. By the time I was done (about three lines in) we were all crying with laughter and dancing along.
Gotta Get Up From Here – Ellie Lawson. I play this song on days when I think that things will never get better. Every day is a new day and you get to decide if it’s going to be a good one. You need to own your life. Own your choices. Own you happiness.
This is the part where the list breaks down. This next group of songs has no order and stories I’d rather not tell or no story at all, but still deserves to be included.
I’m Movin’ On – Rascal Flatts
Realize – Colbi Calait
In My Life – Bette Middler
Break Down Here – Julie Roberts
Lady Down on Love – Alabama
White Flag – Dido
Paralyzer – Finger Eleven
Hate Me – Blue October
Battle of Who Could Care Less – Ben Folds Five
Stronger Woman – Jewel
I Need You – Trisha Yearwood
Penny to My Name - Eva Cassidy
In the Rough – Anna Nalik
What Mattered Most – Doug Supernaw
Boston – Augustana
Baby Blue - George Strait
I can’t Love You Anymore – Gary Nichols
I Will Survive -Gloria Gaynor
This brings me to the last song on the list. My theme song. The song that I want you to always think of me when you hear.
Still Got My Health – Better Middler.
Tell me, though, what’s your theme song? Which one song sums it all up, which one song are YOU?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
In Review
Today it will be 95* here. For those of you who aren’t good at science, it’s the temperature of boiling point of water. It’s the temperature at which homeless people begin to bathe in public water features. It’s the temperature at which fat becomes liquid. And not in a good way.
In the spirit of summer, I think it’s only fair that I discuss some of the most pressing fashion faux pas of the season.
1) If your feet in any way resemble those of Bilbo Baggins, you should invest in a pedicure.
2) Just because you can get it on, DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS. For the love of God people, if you have to use PLIERS to zip your pants you NEED BIGGER PANTS.
3) If you bought your swim suit for Cancun, Spring Break ’92 it’s time for a new one. Especially if it’s neon. Or has a tiger printed on the front.
4) If your toes eek over the lip of your shoes and scrape upon the ground like a Harpies’ claw, BUY BIGGER SHOES.
5) If you can braid your leg hair, pit hair or back hair get a wax, get a shave or get a snow suit. I know, it’s very French and the French are very chic and all, but they also eat snails. I’m just saying.
6) Men wearing tank tops better be life guards or they better not be leaving the house.
7) Now is not the time to forgo undergarments. Sweaty underboobs lead to rashes and there is nothing sexy about boobs that smell like cheese.
8) If your naked vajayjay comes in contact with a sun-baked vinyl seat, you’ll need the Jaws of Life, a drum of Vaseline and a herd of firemen to remove you. I don’t think you want to be filling out THAT insurance claim, do you?
9) I don’t care where you live (cough SEATTLE cough) you do not need to wear socks with your sandals.
10) Tie Dye is no one’s friend.
Signs You're Too Desperate
A friend of mine is single (isn't that how these things always start?) and is considering personal ads as a potential place to find a date.
"I don't have TIME to trawl the bars!" She tells me.
So at lunch we're surfing Craigslist personals, the only personals our work computer doesn't block, and are laughing ourselves positively SICK. It's no wonder many of these guys are single! In addition to typo's some say clever things like "I got my shit together" and "I need someone emotionally stable, therefore I prefer you not be overweight" (oh, sir, you clearly DO NOT know your audience!").
So just in case any men out there (and I suppose ladies too) are considering a personal ad, here are some tips from me to you -
* Do not post only shirtless pictures of yourself. Especially if the viewers first impression will be "I wonder if that sweater is mohair?"
* If you DON'T want gold diggers, the only picture you post should not be of your house.
* Posting a picture of your Porche makes your small weiner that much more obvious.
* Don't post photo's of your underpants. Especially if it's ONLY a picture of your underpants (no head or legs). GROSS. You're clearly a dirty little pervert. Women know these things.
* Don't post three pictures of yourself each with a different woman. Uh, we KNOW they aren't your sisters.
* Posing with an AR (assault rifle) doesn't make us feel warm and safe. Even those of us that can identify your "little black rifle" for something more than just a "big gun!"
* Your drivers license photo is maybe not the best looking one you ever took. Or at least I hope not.
* Saying things like "I'm not going to worship you" isn't helping your case. You might as well just say "my ex dumped me because I wouldn't eat pussy."
* Advertising your yearly income is declasse'
* No one believe you love "long walks in the rain (and) rubbing (your) feet"
* Posting a picture of your dog is kind of sweet. But not if he's got a dead duck in his mouth.
* Blacking out your face in the photo makes us wonder if we've seen you before...on Cops.
* Any man who wears a pleather cat suit is creepy. No exceptions.
* If you're wearing the same expression in every picture, We think "Overboard" where Goldie Hawn's picture from when she washed up is photo shopped on to the other pictures. That or you've had a few too many shots of botox.
* "I only have one problem and I mean this with all seriousness... I am a sex addict" = I DON'T THINK SO.
* Posting only photo's of your Eminem teeshirts is not cool.
* Doing the "Westside" gang W hand signal especially when you're white is ALSO not cool. Shocking, I know.
* The "'sup BIATCH" face and a white sleeveless teeshirt is not sexy.
* If your ad line is "kind of weird and kind of stupid" we will believe you.
* Seriously; PUT ON A FREAKIN' SHIRT
* Posting more than one ad smacks of desperation and desperation means potential PSYCHO. No thanks!
* Posting a picture of a celebrity you "look exactly like" means you're clearly delusional.
* If you are wearing socks and Teva sandals you are lying when you describe yourself as "athletic/outdoors type".
and finally, but importantly
* There's a word to describe a woman who "is only looking for a hookup while (I'm) in town" and that word is HOOKER. MMkay?
Ten Men From My Past
1) Scottie – When I was a kid, no one was fat. Well, some people were fat, but most kids weren’t. There were about six fat kids total at my school and Scottie and I were two of them. We were friends from kindergarten until I graduated. Even when other kids were cruel (because lets face it, kids are) and I was the designated “plague” of the seventh grade, Scottie was still my friend. After graduation, he moved to California, lost fifty pounds, got some ripped ab’s and became a stripper. I think he was cuter when he was chubby.
2) Greg – He was my first “boyfriend” when I was fourteen. He nicknamed me “The Tease” because I wouldn’t put out. Although we did a lot of making out at his parents house when they were out of town. I broke up with him because he had terrible table manners. Then my friend Amy went out with him and broke up with him for the same reason (I had warned her!).
3) JM – He’s the one that I never dated. You know that guy, that you like but never go out with because he’s your friend and you know that kissing him would some how ruin it? That’s JM. He got his girlfriend pregnant when he was 16. They made it for the first few years then she bailed with his best friend and left JM to raise their son. He’s been through dozens of girls. Once, when we were both single we almost “were” but it just felt weird. I always hope he’ll find someone wonderful, because I do love him. He’s got a very sweet girlfriend now and I hope she’s his forever.
4) James – my second boyfriend. We only went out a half dozen times before his ship was deployed. But I carried a picture of us together and called him my boyfriend as needed for several years.
5) Brandon – The one who I could have married. We just were never “it” for each other. He rode in to my rescue a time or two but I couldn’t be what he wanted and he couldn’t be what I wanted so we went our separate ways. A friend googled him not that long ago and sent me the results. He’s a lawyer! Never would have seen *that* coming!
6) Erich – the one I hide from. He’s my toxic boyfriend. The one that I can’t get away from. Just when I think he’s gone, when I think he’s finally moved on, gotten the hell over me, there he is again, working at the QT or delivering pizza’s in my neighborhood or hanging out with my friends. Luckily, he’s terrified of my husband so he keeps his distance, but I still do a double take from time to time at random strangers, my heart in my throat thinking that he’s tracked me down again.
7) Sister Dave – Dave was a friend from college. He called me “Cami” as in “Chameleon” because he loved that one day I was in black with Doc Martens and purple streaks in my hair and the next day I was wearing Rockies, Ropers and Wrangler shirts. We worked together at the dorm desk. He tried to kill himself and I never saw it coming. One night he was there, the next night there was a note from the manager that he was in hospital. He tried to come back, but people treated him differently. I only saw him once after the attempt and he had heard I was pregnant. He gave me a stuffed duck for the baby and by that weekend he had withdrawn from school and was gone.
8) Beavis and Butthead – when I was single, I was lonely. Although, looking back now, I wonder why. Anyway, my friend and I ran free personals in the Seattle Times and went on a couple of fantastically bad dates. The way people describe themselves was the funniest part. One guy described himself as tall, medium build with long hair and a motorcycle. Cool. He was really 5’8” with stick limbs, a beer gut, a mullet and a scooter. The other described himself as 6’ tall, HWP (that’s height weight proportionate for those that don’t know) with blonde hair and a boat. Yeah, about that boat, it was a canoe. Seriously. He showed me pictures.
9) Scott – OMG. The best fuck of my life. There is no other way to describe him. He was seeing someone, I was seeing someone, neither of us shared that information. On Valentines Day he came into my store and we chatted a little, he left about noon. By three there were a dozen roses and a note asking me to dinner that night. Of course, being Valentines Day, there was nothing available, so we wound up eating Chester Fried Chicken from the Conoco in the bed of his truck, freezing our asses off because it was Montana and February and there was three feet of snow on the ground. A week later, he showed up at my door, bearing videos, Chinese take out and a box of condoms. Of course I let him in. We screwed like porn stars off and on for six months, then I moved away.
10) Frank – the last boyfriend. On the surface he was what I needed. Stable, kind, employed and good with kids. We went two years with “pretty good” and it was enough. It wasn’t like I wanted to marry him, although I think we both assumed that it was headed that way. Then there was the pregnancy scare. Admittedly, we weren’t being that careful and when I was late, I just assumed that we would be on the same page about the outcome. Boy, was I wrong. I am not a pro-lifer but when it was my turn to choose, that’s what I chose anyway. But my Catholic, mother loving, Democrat, non-confrontational, hooray-family boyfriend’s first thought was that we needed to “do something about it”. I was shocked. How could he profess to love me and have his first thought be that our baby was something that needed to be “taken care of” and that I shouldn’t worry, he’d “pay for it”? That was it. That night, my feelings for him flipped like a switch. I no longer loved him, but I didn’t hate him either, I just didn’t care. I was done. A week later and one doctor’s visit to the negative, I knew we were just marking time. We made a show of “working it out” but I never really meant to. It was just convenient that I met my now husband two months later and had a good push to exit stage left. Still, he hung around on the sideline for a few more months, waiting to see if I really meant to stay with this new guy, really meant it when I said I didn’t want to be friends, didn’t want anything from him. We went out one last time to talk and he held my hand and cried and tried to kiss me when I told him that in my mind it had been over since that night with the EPT. He said he was sorry, said he never would have been able to go through with it, said he just panicked and he couldn’t understand how I could just walk away leave two years behind like it never happened. What he didn’t understand is that we never had passion, we never fought because there wasn’t anything to fight about, to fight for. In his mind, peaceful, good enough love was all there was. Maybe he was right. My husband and I fight like pole cats in a pillowcase and it tears my heart out. I wish we could get to peaceful, I wish we could get to calm, but we are too busy being right to step away and realize that the damage will one day be permanent, that the scar tissue will stop the heart, that one day, the switch will flip and enough will be enough and there will be another man to add to my past, a man who used to be my husband.
D.U.D.E.
Some time ago I let M sign up for an email account. Well, actually, I signed her up so that I would know her password. I check her account every couple of days and it’s mostly back and forth bitching about school and comparing who gets to watch what and who’s dating whom (on the OC or something). But every now and then I come across a real gem, like this one: (I deleted the names)
So I was talking to my friend b yesterday {we're partners in ccrime at home and by home I mean arizona} and for some reasen I started rambeling on about my plan to take over the universe and Inslave the earth hahahahaha theare was alot of EVEL and I don't mean evil I mean EVEL cackleing and then I thought ya know b's not a EVEL mastermind I should e-mail T she wants to take over the world to we should work together.
HERE IS MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD MOHAHAHA
Step 1.get good grades in school and go to the militery acadamy and become hi ranked officer
Step 2.Learn valluble goverment secrets
Step 3.when the goverment let's us go home for a while to see are family's I will contact them from my EVEL lair which is built inside a volcano on an uncharted Island somewhere over the pacific ocien and hold all the goverment sercrets for a ransome and treaten to tell them to enimy countrys if they do not reach my list of demands within 48 hoars.
Step 4.As soon as I get everything on my list of demands I will keep moveing from country to country until I have control of the whole world then inslave it and continue to be an EVEL dictater who rules with an Iron fist
Step 5.People who I don't like or have displeased me will be brutaly flogged then ripped lim from lim then left out in the middle of the desert so they can die slowly and painfuly.
Step 6.Live forever so I can make peuny mortals sufer.
Step 7.Only people who I reqally like and I guess family won't be inslaved.
And we all live unhappily ever after the end.
I noticed a number of alarming things.
a) This kid can’t spell. Good job Public School systems new “total child” education plan. That’s working out great. Not only does her handwriting look like Sanskrit, she can’t spell for shit either. But she can “conceptualize number patterns”.
b) She should probably watch a lot less “Austin Powers” and “Pinky and the Brain”.
Then last night, in the car she was telling me all about this plan. I asked “Why do you want to take over the world” and you know what she replied?
“Why not? Lots of people have tried but no one’s accomplished it, so I could be the first. Plus, I would never have to go to bed when a good show is on again.”
Sound reasoning I guess. And the plan *does* involve staying in school and getting good grades, so I can’t really quibble with it too much. Other than the part about ripping people limb from limb and leaving them to die in the desert. I suggested that she think about being a benevolent ruler instead, because everyone was always trying to kill “evel dictators”.
She thought about it and said “Okay, you can be Arch Duchess of Canada and in charge of making people think that I’m a nice dictator, but I’ll still be secretly evel.”
So I asked “What if I fail? I mean come on; people are bound to notice you’re evel after a while”.
After a moment she though about it and said “I guess I’d have to demote you to peasant then.”
Nice. Even the mother of the dictator isn’t safe. I wonder if there’s a support group? We could have a catchy name like “Mothers for Understanding Dictatorial Evelness” or “D.U.D.E” for short. We could even get shirts made up that said “My Kid tried to take over the world and all I got was this crappy tee-shirt” and we could meet in a church basement and compare casserole recipes and drink coffee and knit bomb cozies.
Maybe Mother Hussein could bake the cookies….
Do You Hear What I Hear?
8:00AM - Today I left home with out my wallet. No cash, no card, no drivers license. I will have to live the entire day destitute. I have no lunch and no Diet Dr. Pepper. I may not make it through the day….
8:10 AM – I found half a warm DDP in the trash, and drank it. It had a ciggy butt in it, but that’s okay because I am very hungry. Ate the ciggy butt.
8:12 AM – I feel weird. That may not have been a ciggy butt 8:15 AM – Can anyone else here that?
8:17 AM – You really can’t hear that? It’s coming from the light switch. It sounds like singing.
8:22 AM – I just unscrewed all the switch plates, out let covers and unplugged all computer equipment. I still hear singing. It may be elves.
8:38 AM – I have carefully cut holes in all the walls. Don’t worry, you can’t see them, I only cut them in the base boards.
9:12 AM – I am lying on the floor with my eye to one of the holes. I definitely see something moving in there.
9:36 AM – Still lying on the floor. Did you know that if you stick your finger in your belly button and then smell it, your finger will stink like belly button? Belly buttons do not smell very good.
9:41 AM - I am getting weak from hunger. I will attempt to find sustenance in my desk drawers.
9:45 AM – Ketchup soup is not as delicious as it sounds. 9:46 AM – Neither is barbeque sauce & saltines sandwiches
9:50 AM – Year old jam packets are excellent when paired with relish packets from Sonic and spread on croutons from Wendy’s.
9:something – Seriously, you can’t hear that?
10101010110 – Look! Bionary. Buyohnerry. Byondary. Beonce’ Bi-on-harry. Bi on harry…that sounds like a porno.
10:05 AM/PM – There are 441 holes in each ceiling tile. Don’t you think it should be an even number? Who the hell decided to put 21 holes per line? I am going to poke one more hole in each tile.
1)5:30 – Rolling chairs do not make good ladders
Star Date 79912637462 – what the hell does that even mean? That Cap’n Crunch guy sure got a lot of ass for a fattie though didn’t he? He got more ass than a toilet seat at a rest stop.
10:22 AM – I am giving myself a Sharpie Tattoo. It looks cool. I spelled it wrong the first time though, so I had to cross it out and start over.
10:25 AM – There are 467 tissues in the Kleenex box. Not 500. Those lying bastards.
10:25 AM – Toe Jam doesn’t taste like jam.
10:46 AM – I can’t believe you don’t hear that. You’re messing with me! They’re saying “Bacon is Elvis and Elvis is God and God is Bacon”.
10:50 AM – If God is made of bacon, shouldn’t they use Bac’n Bit’s for the Host instead of bread?
11:11 AM – If Elvis is God do we all have to wear sequins in Heaven?
11111111111111111 – If you staple a ream of paper end to end, it only will reach half way around the office, but if you staple an entire case of paper end to end it will go around 6 times.
1212124350874395 – Stapled Paper Streamers are a “waste of company money”
944949494198509lzekngsnrj – My kitties breath smells like tuna
19873 – If you tell a manager to “Shut your noise hole, I’m trying to sleep here” you get a permanent record in your employee file.
Jesus Am I still here? – The Elves told me that there were sandwiches in the cupboard, but it turned out to be Post It Notes. They were kind of dry, but not inedible.
12:60 PM – My fingernail polish is the exact same color and my panties. That color is invisible. Just kidding. It’s purple. I love purple. If I was a color I would be purple. I bet purple tastes like chocolate.
Lunch Time – When you answer your work phone “Miss Sexy speaking what can I do you for?” all you get is silence.
1:1313131313 – Singing is not acceptable work place behavior. Even when it’s Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”.
1:34 PM – Hard Hats make convincing prosthetic boobs
2:01 PM – Red Sharpie lipstick is both flattering and easy to apply.
2:14 PM – It’s hard to Xerox you face with out smashing your nose in some funny way
2:25 PM – Someone needs to shut those damn elves the hell up. If I hear “Lola” one more time I’m going to kill someone.
2:33 PM – If you duct tape the bathroom shut and the receptionist is inside, you have to answer the phone yourself
2:49 PM – If you lick the end of a battery, you get shocked. Every time. Even the twentieth.
3:16 PM – Elves do not actually make cookies in trees. They make them in shrubs. Bring me a shrubbery!
3:333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 PM – the number “3” looks like a butt
3:42 PM – In the event of a water landing, I’m fucked. My office chair doesn’t float for shit.
3:78 PM – The Spin Doctor’s pee-pee won’t talk to you. He says so in the song. I’ve never seen a talking pee-pee. I wonder what it would say. I bet pee-pee’s wouldn’t have a lot to talk about since they rarely get to see anything but caves and urinals. Did you know it’s called “spelunking” when you lick someone’s taint? I don’t know why though. The taint isn’t very cave like. Now a hu-hu, that’s caveish.
Is caveish a word? It should be.
“Gosh Marsha, you really need to get some light in this room, it’s so CAVEISH”
See, it’s a good word. Caveish. Caveish. Caveish
16:16 The Elves asked Chuck Norris if Elvis is God and Chuck Norris said that he is God. Does he mean that Chuck Norris is God? Will we all have to do spin kicks in Heaven? Maybe they are co-Gods. Then all the angels could wear sequined jump suits and do spin kicks and eat Bacon sandwhiches.
16:17 PM – Schlemiele, Schlmazal, Hotsiepeppers incorporated – Have you seen my stapler? It’s a red one. It’s a Swingline.
16:19 PM – Elves can change themselves into invoices at will. Put I shut those little punks up for good. Try to un crosshatch shred yourselves. HAHAHAHAHAHA
4:30 PM – Thank goodness. It’s finally time to go home. I can’t believe I made it the whole day! I am so proud of myself! Me and Keeb’s are headed out for drinks. I think short men are where it’s at after all.
That stupid whats-his-name at QT can just kiss my behind. Keebs and Me are going to live in a hollowed out cactapus. It’s kind of tight in there, but all you need is love, right?
Well, love and Diet Dr. Pepper.
Okay, love, diet Dr. Pepper and lots of money.
Keeb’s is LOADED. I didn’t know bakers made that much money, but if you’re paying your staff in tiny shoes and tiny hats (most of those elves are gay. Did you know that? Explains a lot.) and tiny wee Coach luggage you have plenty of profit left over for spending on your girlfriend.
I sure am glad I ate that ciggy butt this morning. If I hadn't I would never have gotten so much acomplished. I just can't focus when I'm hungry, ya know?
Social Reform
I have big boobs. This fact is means that I can't just go on down to the Wal-Mart and grab a $7.93 bra off the rack and be assured of a good fit. Yes, it kind of sucks. I spend hours (literally, ask my husband) trying on every bra in the store (Layne Bryant has a good selection) before I settle on one that doesn't give uni-boob, cone boob, saggy boob, ride up, creep down, spill over, bind, pinch, dig at the shoulders or poke out in some unfortunate way. I also have to find one that doesn't look like it was designed for nuns, reinforced with steel girders or constructed of shiny white jacquard. Shouldn't there be a better selection for the 40E crowd than the 36A girls? After all, we're the ones that HAVE to wear them.
By the time I'm done shopping I'm cranky and $75 poorer.
As a result, I'm a complete bra snob. Nothing bothers me more than someone wearing a bra that clearly doesn't fit. I have to resist the urge to take the offenders aside and say "Hey, did you know your boobs are supposed to be above your elbows, not spilling out over the cups and the band should sit just over your shoulder blades in the back? No? Well come with me, sister! To Victoria's Secret we go!!"
I mean really. I think I'm slipping into obsession on this issue. I will literally judge someone based on how their bra fits.
Too small? Offender is in denial about weight gain.
Saggy? Poor self esteem
Pointy? Sexually repressed
Shows through clothing? Craves attention
Rides up in back? Prone to asking "does this make me look fat?"
Industrial Strength (sub category 'The Grandma')? Believes no one cares if she looks sexy
Cuts the back bacon in half so you look like a stack of Cheerio's from behind? – Doesn't learn from the past
Don't even get me started on the ones that leave the house with out a bra. I mean really. If you need one and aren't wearing one, what other personal ministrations are you skipping? Deodorant? Leg Shaving? Clean panties? I shudder to think.
See what I mean? I'm out of control here. I really think I need to focus on some bigger issue, like ill fitting shoes…….
On Your Toes
Shoes are the single fashion trend item that can be worn successfully by most everyone. I say most everyone because people with no feet would have a hard time wearing them, I guess. Although, I suppose you could tie the strings of a pair of espadrilles and casually sling them over your shoulder….
But I digress. As usual.
Given that shoes are available nearly everywhere and in any size I can't fathom why people insist on wearing ugly shoes.
Or worse yet, insist on wearing shoes that don't fit. You know that ones I mean, the harpy claw ladies (cough, cough Paris Hilton). The ones with the open toed shoes and snaggly toes creeping out over the edge, clawing at the ground as they shuffle (because they always shuffle) along down the corridor. How can they walk like that? Doesn't the hot pavement burn their toes? What if the step in gum? What if they step in dog crap? Don't they stub their toes a lot?
What makes them buy shoes like that? This isn't 1950 when Dale Evans (I think it was) crammed herself into her mothers' size 4 shoes to make her imprint on her Hollywood Star. Nor yet is it olden day China where bound feet or Golden Lilies were the standard of beauty. There is no current fashion reason for too small shoes.
Oh sure, I understand that sometimes the super cute Steve Maddens at Ross are only available in a half size or size smaller than your feet. But that doesn't make it okay to wear shoes where your toes and heels hang out over the edge. You must leave them on the shelf! You must! No, not just this one time, never, never buy them if they don't fit.
Now granted, some people have regular length feet and super long toes. Toes so long they look like Li'l Smokies with nails. In that case, they should wear close toed shoes (Paris Hilton).
Now let's move on to the subject of feet themselves.
Basically, there are no attractive feet. There are feet that are less ugly, but feet themselves are not terribly beautiful. However, there are things that you can do to make your feet less offensive. Pedicures are a good place to start. Dry, cracked feet can be made smooth unsightly nails trimmed and painted.
Most importantly in my opinion is the toe waxing. Yes, I said it. Toe waxing. Toe shaving and toe plucking are also acceptable. Who wants man feet (Paris Hilton)? Man feet are the grossest kind of feet with their weird knuckly finger-toes, the patches of hair and odd toe nails. Ew. I'm feeling sick just thinking about it. With sandal season coming this is especially important. It's always amazing to me that women will shave their legs, but leave their feet hairy. Totally ruins an excellent shoe.
So as a public service, I'm going to review shoe/feet rules for summer:
1) If we're going to see your feet, get a pedicure.
2) If you wear a size 9, buy a size 9. But don't just grab a size 9 off the shelf and assume it will fit, try it on!
3) If you teeter when you walk, buy a lower heel.
4) If you shuffle when you walk, your shoes don't fit. Or you're wearing bed room slippers again. Either way, buy different shoes.
5) If the ankle strap makes your ankle look like a sausage with a rubber band around it, skip the ankle strap shoes. Even the cute ones.
6) Tall girls should wear high heels. Boys love to be eye level with your boobs.
7) If any part of your foot protrudes from any part of the foot bed, your shoes are too small. Period. No "buts", I'm not listening and I don't care what you paid for them.
8) If you have hairy toes, you have man feet. Man feet are only acceptably shown at home and at the beach. By men. They are not to be seen in sandals. Ever.
9) A red pump is the little black dress of shoes. Always sexy.
10) If your heels look like a topographical map of the moon, buy a pumice stone and some Vaseline. Exfoliate, slather up and put on some socks until they're fit for public display. That may never happen, invest in ballet flats just in case.
11) Chipped toe nail polish is for trailer trash and Jerry Springer guests. Paint or no paint (buffed of course) are the only choices.
12) Unless you live in a hole, there should never be dirt under your toe nails. No, I take that back. Even people who live under ground should have clean nail beds.
13) Nail fungus? No one needs to see that, stick to close toes.
14) Finger-toes? Make sure you're not doing an impression of a harpy. You might need bigger shoes. Who care what the size is, the look is the important thing.
15) No socks + closed shoes = stinky feet. Buy some odor eaters if you must go commando. Or hook up with some "super low" or "no show" socks. Hanes sells 6 pairs for about $5.
16) Never, not even in Seattle are socks and sandals an acceptable look. This includes Birkenstocks and wool socks. Hippies. (hee hee, I'm a total hippie and I used to wear that look all the time with my flannel and combat pants, but not any more. I know better now.)
17) Sandal foot panty hose are not actually meant to wear with sandals. Peep toes are even iffy.
18) Unique, funky shoes are way cooler than $300 Nikes. Thrift stores rock for vintage shoes.
19) You don't need to pay a lot to follow a trend. In fact, cheaper is better for super-trendy items, that way when you're laughing at them in 10 years you don't feel guilty about giving them to Salvation Army.
20) Finally and most importantly Lee Press-On toe nails are never the answer.
Fashion Rules
Twelve years ago my younger sister CK and I formed the Pink Bunny Fashion Academy.
The purpose of the Pink Bunny Fashion Academy was to take aside those we felt were in danger on immanent arrest by the fashion police and assist them in dressing themselves in a way that didn't belay the fact that they dressed in the dark from the laundry hamper. We even have a secret handshake and a motto; "Just because you CAN doesn't mean you SHOULD". Our Fashion Commandments are the following;
1) Spandex is not for everyone and therefore is probably not for you.
2) Your fashion statement shouldn't be "I'm a slut!"
3) Just because you can get it on, doesn't mean it fits.
4) Everyone feels better when they take the time to look better.
5) You may not care how you look, but the rest of us do.
6) No knit for fatties.
7) No one likes the smelly kid
8) Facial hair is for men only
9) The perfect jeans, heels and a flattering top can take you almost anywhere.
10) If you wouldn't want to be caught dead in it, don't put it on in the first place.
See? Simple. It leaves lots of room for self expression and personal style. Nothing that requires a huge amount of money, a certain body shape or too much effort.
Since my blogging week is only 5 days, I don't have time to address all the issues I feel compelled to. So as a grand finale' to my Fashion Don't Week, the following is a list of things I never want to see again;
* Sweat pant worn anywhere other than the gym
*Cut-off sweat pants
* Single sleeve shirts
* "Hammer" pants
* Parachute pants
* Gaucho pants
* Pants with open "ladder work" up the legs
* Muffin tops
* Anything worn by Mariah Carey
* Visible thong panties
* Pleated front pants on women
* Beaded fringe
* Bicycle shorts on anyone other than a bicycle racer
* Dirty finger nails
* White tee shirts with yellow under arms
* Toe nails with fungus
* 6" acrylic nails
* Toupee's
* Tee shirts with kittens on them (on adults)
* Clothes with food stains
* Designer Imposters perfume
* Hairy moles
* Tee shirts with Tweety Bird on them (on adults)
* Unibrow
* Green teeth
* Chipped polish
* Night time makeup during the day
* Laddered pantyhose
* Christmas sweaters
* Sharpie eyebrows
* Mismatched lipstick & liner
* "Denim" stretch pants
* White leggings
* Saggy pants
* Super skinny low rise jeans on boys
* Suspenders
* Mall bangs
* Peroxide blondes
* Spider eyes
* Moon Boots
* Mukluks (excused during winter in cold climates)
* Bandeau top bikinis
* Toenails that extend past the end of the toe
* Hairy toes
* Mandals & man-clogs
* Thong underwear for men
* Thong underwear for children
* Exposed belly fat
* Mustaches on women
* Chin hairs on women
* Dolly Parton Wig style hair. But not the actual wigs; those I kind of like
* Helmet hair
* Comb-overs
*Gold Grills on teeth
* Anna Nicole's tattoos
* Star Jones' chest
* Leisure suits
* Men in Speedos
* Platform flip-flops
* Sports bra's instead of shirts
* Neon spandex anything
* Pink camouflage, what are you hiding in anyway? The Queer Eye closet?
* 1" wide stripes as "highlights"
* Jerry curls
* Brillo pad perms
* "Tribal" tattoos
* Deodorant chucks in armpit hair
* Men with cartoon tattoos
* Jeans with zippers at the hem
* Belted shirts
* Culottes
* Castro Hats
* Scooter (looks like a skirt from the front, shorts from the back)
* Uni-tards
* Corn rows on white people
* Black bras under white shirts
* Wife beaters
* Tear away track bottoms other than at the gym
* Velour sweat suits at clubs
* Duct tape prom dresses. The first 5000 were cool, it's dead. Move on. Try tin foil.
* Elvis glasses
* White swim wear
* Matching mother/daughter Laura Ashley dresses
* Mini vests
* Hairy legs on women
* Uncombed hair
* Opaque, matte black tights with shiny black shoes. Think sheer.
* Ponchos/Serapes/Smocks
* Boy Bands tee shirts
* Too small clothing especially on the fatties
* Knit outfits
* Sequins
* Mixed prints
* Pink ties
* Donald Trumps' Hair
* Panty lines. Especially on men
* Visa, the Freedom Fabric
* The Just Rolled Out of Bed look
* Polyester double knit pants
* Clothing designed by celebrities
* Women in men's suits
* Tee shirts with cut off sleeves
* Matching couple outfits
Hmmm…that's just what I can think of for now. So we don't end this week on a down note, I'm going to list a few things I'd like to see *more* of.
Call it the DO LIST:
* Good Grooming
* Flattering cuts
* Age appropriate wardrobes
* custom made dresses
* Elegance
* Simplicity
* Beautiful shoes
* Jackie O Glasses
* Sun dresses with halter necks
* Summer whites
* Men in snug Levis and cowboy boots
* Personal style
* Short skirts or short tops but not both together
* Tasteful makeup
* Meaningful, personal tattoos
* Kilts
* Situational dressing
(i.e. formal event; formal clothing, hair & make up)
* Cocktail rings
* Men in suits
* Hats
* Shirt waist dresses
* Unexpected colors
* Well kept clothing
* Plain scoop neck tops with gorgeous necklaces
* Healthy weights
* Vintage
* Funky purses
* Layering snug tee shirts
* Bras that fit
* Ethnically inspired clothing like sari's
* Boxer briefs
* A natural blush
* Silver hair
* Natural fibers like linen
* Perfect fitting jeans
I feel so much better. This has really been building up. Next week will return you to my normally scheduled ranting and whining.
Posts
