Thursday, April 22, 2010

Conspiracy Theory

Things that are proof that the Universe is Evil and conspires against us:

1) Those really cute shoes that are the last pair and really cheap will always be a half size too small. So you'll buy them anyway, because they'll TOTALLY break in, right? Only they won't and you'll have to hobble around with bleeding feet all day because OF COURSE it's the one day your normally sedentary life turns into a MUST RUN EVERYWHERE busy sort of day.

2) You only have a good hair day when there is no one to show it to. You will have a HORRIBLE hair day when there are to be photos taken. That girl you hate? Her hair is always perfect.

3) The next person to sit at the slot machine you just put $20 into will drop in a dime and win $500 on her first spin while you're still close enough to see her jump for joy.

4) If you used to wear a size xxl and now wear a size medium, everything on the clearance rack that you love will be a size XXL

5) The roadtrip you elect to opt out of will be the one that your friends will never shut up about for the rest of your lives.

6) The lipstick color that you LOVE and that looks perfect on you will obviously have to immediately be discontinued. Same with the jeans that make your legs look long and thin and the underware that doesn't ride up and the perfect shade of red nail polish.

7) If you pass a sign that says "no services for the next 60 miles" and you think "I don't really need to pee" you WILL REALLY NEED TO PEE and you'll have to find a bush on the side of the road, dig around under the seats for an only slightly filthy McDonalds napkin to use as toilet paper and pray that no one sees you squat and also that you don't pee on your shoes and that a snake or a rabid badger or a really big hairy spider doesn't creep up and bite you on the ass and so when that piece of grass tickles your ass you'll wind up jumping up mid stream and then there will pee all over your pants and you'll have to ride in pee-pants.

8) The time you don't close all the windows on your computer and leave Farmville open on your desk top when you get up to get a coffee will be the time your boss decides to come by and wait for you to return.

9) The $59 airfare isn't going anywhere you want to go at any time you could go there. Or, worse, becomes available on YOUR flight only after you've booked a non-refundable $250 seat.

10) If it tastes good, it's bad for you.

6 little kittens say Meow:

Lin said...

You're so right! I totally had a great hair day last week & no where to go. I was determined to go 'somewhere' so I had the hubs take me out...to the supermarket, lol.

Nadine Hightower said...

I can't squat and pee without getting on me and my clothes anyway. So we stop at the last place. I think my pee thingy is broken. Do you think that all that selflove from the time I was 3 has taken it's toll??
That's Evil!!
And I buy several of whatever it is that I LOVE becuz they do D/C it. So Evil!!!
I love Calvin Klein Euphoria perfume. I can tell it from other perfumes on women. But On Me... NO! It's all wrong on me. That is Evil. Pure Evil.


And not being able to text in Church... Roy said, "you'd just be mockin' them." Duh!
Absolute Evil!!

the checkout girl said...

I found you through your comment on The Bloggess' last post and I'm so glad! Love the blog.

Subscribe!

The Lady in Pearls said...

#2 - and if your luck is like mine, the girl you hate will publish the most awful picture of you in the real estate guide for the whole town to see. Oh yeah, and she, of course, will look stunning.

Just.a.little.bitter.bout.that.one!

Stewie said...

pee-pants. lol. I guffawed.

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

How did you steal all these thoughts out of my head???

That's it. I'm walking around with a metal colander on my head for forever.