Eat It

The problem with most advice about losing weight is it's nothing you want to do. Diet and exercise? FUCK NO. That sounds horrible. I don't want to do that. How about some REAL tricks for avoiding eating things you shouldn't? What do REAL people do? Because let's be honest here, those people who preach in the magazine about their amazing diet that helped them lose those five horrible pounds that kept them in a size six instead of a four? Those bitches? CAN FUCK OFF. Fuck off forever, in fact.

In spite of the fact that I had gastric bypass, I still struggle with the *need* to snack. Do I REALLY need to snack? No. Do I want to? HELL YES, I do. So, here are MY tricks to keep from eating an entire tube of Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough.

1) Brush your teeth. Everything tastes nasty when eaten when you're minty fresh. If you're not somewhere you can brush, chew minty gum.

2) Paint your nails. Do you really want Dorrito textured polish? Didn't think so.

3) Eat it anyway. When I want a peanut butter cup I eat one. It's not going to kill me. By allowing myself to have it, it loses the forbidden fruit aspect.

4) Figure out your triggers and avoid them. In my case, it's "piece" style candy, like M&M's or Jelly Beans. Do I KNOW that the 1/2lb bag isn't the serving size? Yes. Do I feel the need to eat them anyway? HELL YES. So, I avoid them or buy smaller packages. If chips are your trigger, buy the lunch bag sized instead of the family size. The empty bag may trigger the "done" switch.

5) 1/2 hour promise. Tell yourself that if, in a half hour, you still REALLY REALLY want whatever it is, you can have it. Then distract yourself by doing something that requires your whole attention, like cleaning out your closet or arguing with your spouse. My short attention span means I usually forget whatever it was I was going to eat.

6) Protein first. This one came from my nutritionist, but it works for me. I start every day with protein and I eat the protein part of my meal first, then the veg and then, if I still have room left, I hit the carbs.

7) Pack a snack. If I'm out and I'm hungry, you can bet your ass I'm going to find a snack and chances are it's not going to be good for me. (Can I get a WOOT WOOT for Cinnabon?)Unless I bring it with me. I usually have a (100 calorie/mini) Ziploc of peanuts in my purse. The beauty of peanuts (mmmm honey roasted peanuts) is that they don't smoosh or melt.

8) Hand over your clean plate club membership card. Remember that? How your mom wouldn't let you leave the table until you'd finished your meal? Screw that. I usually pause about half way through my meal and wait a few minutes. More often than not, I find that I don't finish what's left because my brain catches up with my stomach and I feel full. Especially in restaurants where the portions are HUGE. Not even just for us tennis ball sized stomach people, huge in general. At some restaurants (and especially with pasta) I box up half of it right away. Out of site out of mind style. Plus? Lunch for the next day!

9) Food eaten on birthdays and holidays don't have calories. Fine, they do. Life is too short to never eat dessert. The month of December isn't a holiday (so no eating an entire plate of cookies every day for a month), but Christmas is, so on the 25th eat whatever the hell you want and enjoy it. Same with your birthday.

10) Fatten up your friends. This is my favorite tip, by the way. I like to bake. I also know I don't need to eat 24 cupcakes. So I bake them, I eat one, I give the rest away. This works out awesome for two reasons. First, EVERYONE loves the girl who brings them cupcakes! Second, if your friends are Little Jazzy Scooter Fat, you look thinner in comparison!

Now, who wants a cookie?