Friday, January 29, 2010

Bet I'll get some interesting Google Searches from THIS one.

M is very joiny. She signs up for EVERYTHING. Which would be fine except she can't drive and *I* wind up driving her all over town. (That's a lie. Usually I make her ask other people for rides because I have things to do).

This year, after many years of begging I finally consented to let her work as a cast member at the local Rennaissance Faire. And by local? I mean AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY EACH WAY.

Anyway, the Faire entertainment director holds cast workshops on Wednesday night (a scant 45 minutes away). They're a good way to bond with the other cast members and we usually go.

Except this week, I was pretty sure I had maggots eating my brain (or that I was turning into a zombie. Could go either way.) and so I just dropped her off and holed up for the two hours they did dancing and singing and whatever else it is they do fully costumed on the play ground of a school.

As we're driving home M cheerfully announced

" I learned how to FLUFF!"*

Um. What. The. Fuck.

I assume that some of you are thinking something wholly innocent** and if that's the case I urge you to click here . Unless you're at work. Or around children who can read. Or don't like porn.

If you don't like porn what the fuck are you doing HERE though?

(* she meant arranging your lady lumps so they're properly supported and presented in your corset. But that's far less interesting. So I'm not telling that part of the story)

(**I know, right? Who doesn't know what fluffing is? Some people are so repressed. I bet they still wear white underwear, too!)

(PS. Sorry about the soda you just spit onto your key board)

(PPS. No, I'm not.)

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Hell Bound

See that girl in the center? That's Mich. She was raised in a strict Mormon household in a mostly Mormon small town. Which is not a BAD thing. I was raised Mormon and *I* turned out mostly fine. Except for that lingering need to torment Missionaries. But I think they like it when you answer the door topless, it gives them something to pray about later.

Where was I going with this? Oh. I remember. Mich.

I have ALWAYS been an advocate of good underwear and even back in the day, I spent my allowance on it. One day, as we're standing around in the ladies blow drying our bangs so that they stood at least six inches high, I whipped off my shirt (for whatever reason. Who knows with me. I took my shirt off a lot back in the day. And by "back in the day" I mean "yesterday") and Mich let out a yelp of surprise.

I was wearing a RED LACE BRA! Oh my God! The scandal! The horror!

Mich, at 19, had never EVER in her ENTIRE LIFE worn colored underwear. Ever. EVER. White Hanes briefs, white cotton bras and white socks were all she'd ever known. Because colored underwear? WAS FOR WHORES.

I'm not kidding. That's exactly what her mother had told her. WORD. FOR. WORD.

See, this is the road to hell:

1) colored underwear

2) Holding hands with a boy

3) kissing a boy

4) letting him touch your boobs

5) sleeping with a boy before marriage.

6) hell

So I did the only thing I could do. I took her to the mall and bought her colored panties!

Then, about a month later, she was sleeping with three different boys, then engaged to another one, then dropped out of college, then broke her engagement because she met an all together different boy and then met another boy. I think she married that last one. But we lost touch for a while, so I'm not totally sure.

So maybe there was something to that theory.

I prefer to think of it as encouraging sexual liberation as a way to come to terms with a repressed upbringing.

I also believe all those boys owe me at LEAST a beer for explaining the finer points of giving oral pleasure. Which I learned from my friend Staceys drunk ass mom who used a banana as a cock and giggled as she told us that done right, a blow job will get a boy to do just about anything for you. That's the same night she taught us how to do tequila shots and the proper way to roll a joint. She was an excellent roll model. I miss her.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Rest in Pieces

I have not always been the sweet, kind girl that y'all have come to know and love.

When I was in college, my roommate Nadira (in the center) was an exchange student from Turkey. English was her third, or possibly fourth language. She was completely fluent, but the nuances of American slang were lost on her.

Like many colleges ours had legends that passed from year to year. One of which being that if your roommate died, you automatically got straight A's for that semester. It was called the "Grief Rule".

Some one told Nadira this and she asked me if it was true. Of course I said that it was.

Then, I turned evil.

Every night before she went to sleep I'd tell her to "rest in peace". For months, she thought that this meant simply "sleep well" and so she began saying it to other people. Who looked at her oddly, but no one said anything, figuring, I suppose that it was some idiom that failed to translate correctly from Turkish to English.

We had one class together, Abnormal Psychology. On Halloween, the class loaded into a yellow school bus and took a two hour trip to Well Springs. The local asylum for the mentally ill. While there we toured the grave yard. As the professor lectured about how the insane are often abandoned by family members Nadira spotted a head stone. That said "rest in peace".

It took me three weeks to convince her that I wasn't ACTUALLY trying to kill her, I was just teasing her.

(semi-relatedly: Those hula hoops? OMG did we have fun with those. Looking back, it's a wonder we weren't repeatedly sent to the RA's office for screeching as we tossed bottle caps tiddlywinks style down the hallway and into the hoops as a drinking game. Or hula hooping in the elevator (harder than you'd think), or rolling them with chop sticks while someone pushed us in rolling office chairs in a race to the end of the hallway (also a drnking game). Mostly at about 2 in the morning.)

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Public Service

I find my analytics endlessly entertaining. And a leeeetle disturbing. But! In the interest of assisting the world in their quest for knowledge, I've chosen the repeat searches to address here. So search no more, Kittens!

Q) bio fit bra + transgender
A) Yes, sugar, you CAN wear a bio fit bra. Even if you're a man. We don't judge here. One must be fabulous mustn't one? Maybe order on line though. Just saying.

Q) Blogger + granny + saggy
A) What the fuck, man? Are you referring to my granny panties? Because shut up! They're comfortable. Until they get so big that they blouse around your buttocks and then scrunch up until you've got panty lines that would make Stacey London fall down dead. Then it's time to buy new ones. Or go with out. If that's what you're in to. Not me so much. Ever zipped your pubes? Then you know why. Not that I've ever done that. I tend to...well never mind what might or might not have happened when my waxer went away for the holidays and I tried to use J's hair clippers for a bit of maintenance and wound up looking like a mangy porn star.

A) I have nothing to do with the dumification of the interwebz. I place blame for that solely on the likes of Perez Hilton and his propensity for drawing white dribbles down every "celebrities" leg. See how I just used "propensity"? Proof I'm not at fault.

Q)Fear of Outhouses + snake phobia
A) Yes. Very much. Have you ever USED an outhouse? I rest my case.

Q) SriLankan homely aunties with bra and panties still photos
A) So are you offering me these or asking me for them? Because I don't care WHAT you've heard I don't hang with exhibitionist sri lankan aunties. Very often.

Q) Turd farming unflushed toilet
A) Might I refer you to the fear of outhouses reader? I suspect you two have much to talk about.
Also? Gross.

Q) Why don't the British fix their teeth?
A) Beats me. Perhaps they're less obsessed with the superficial implications of popular standard of beauty than Americans? Or maybe it's just too expensive? Or maybe they don't want to offend the Queen who may or may not have British Teeth Syndrome because if they did she'd chop off their heads and then where would they put their hats?

Q) Shamwow Party with Xanax
A) Oh. My. God. Yes. I am so there. There is nothing in the world I enjoy more than a party that involves hooker punching, disturbing weasel faces pitch men, absorbent material and legally prescribed narcotics. Unless it's a party with ILLEGALLY prescribed narcotics, hookers wearing absorbent material while punching weasel faced overly loud pitchmen.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Defense Exhibits A, B, C & D

I understand that I have a touch of The Crazy. I understand that it makes me a bit difficult to deal with.

But COME ONE, PEOPLE. You're killing me here.

Exhibit A

As you can see, we have a small kitchen. This kitchen has a designated location for refuse. You know, so we don't wind up on Hoaders.

Exhibit B

See? I bet YOU can figure out where the trash belongs, can't you? Perhaps in the TRASH CAN, for example? The trash can that has been in the EXACT SAME FUCKING PLACE FOR ELEVEN MOTHER FUCKING YEARS, for example? The trash can that I empty daily? The trash can that is FOR FUCKING TRASH?

Exhibit C

Which leads us to this:

Exhibit D

I had no choice. It was that or this

Thursday, January 21, 2010

This is why I can't have nice things

See that? That is my husband driving my $40,000 (new, probably about $25,000 BUT STILL) truck down a dirt road so jacked up that if he stuck his hand out the window he COULD TOUCH THE GROUND.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Ten Things

This is a tag from Larry the Cheeto, who has a blog and it has a link, but I don't remember it, so don't be a lazy ass and just find it on the blogroll, MKAY?

1) When I'm having a very shitty day, I go out of my way to be extra funny. Because laughing is contagious. So is herpes. One I'd like to get from you, the other? Not so much.

2) I hit the snooze three times every morning. Not because I fall back to sleep, but because getting motivated to leave a warm and comfy bed is the hardest part of my day.

3) I'm SLIGHTLY (a lot) addicted to those idiotic games on Facebook. I can't help it! My little Farmville calfs are so cute!

4) I don't match my husbands socks on purpose. He accuses me of such behavior and I deny it.

5) Twice last week instead of buying food, I spent my money on clothes.

6) I wish that one of my eyes was a camera. If I was going to have any part of my body be robotic, it wouldn't, contrary to popular belief be my hoo-ha, it'd be my eye. And it would also shoot lasers. Obviously.

7) I haven't washed my car in four years. I do vacuum the inside though. Why I care that the inside is clean if the outside isn't, I'm not sure. But I do.

8) I believe cake is a completely acceptable breakfast. It's not that different from a doughnut or a muffin when you get right down to it. And wouldn't a slice of cake just be SO MUCH BETTER?

9) I am very bad at planning things. In fact, I shouldn't ever be allowed to plan anything ever, because I'm not going to actually ever finish planning it. I am the idea girl, people, not the planning girl. See also: why there's never any food in my house because the grocery store requires that I plan what I'm going to cook and HELLO! not happening!

10) My favorite song right now is the Timbaland/Justin Timberlake song "Carry Out". It's completely filthy and totally catchy.

Don't judge me, Frozen Iguana.

I'm supposed to tag some people, but remember what I said about the planning? Yeah.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


I simply don't understand why people want to make me screamy. I'm not a shouty, lathered up kind of girl. I have a wicked bad temper, yes. I get snappy, true. But all out DON'T MAKE ME STOP THIS CAR? Not so much. There is very little in life that to me, is worth getting myself all worked up about. Shouting almost never solves anything.

Except when it does, apparently.

M, as you know is full of The Drama. The child lives to be on stage. Or at least with an audience. In October, she was accepted to an acting school. The school runs sessions and the next session started in November. so I paid her deposit and we waited. When it came time to start class we learned that the adult class she was meant to be placed in was doing "love scenes" and because she's not yet 16, she couldn't participate. No big deal, we'll just start after the new year when the class schedule resets.

Classes were set to resume on 1/6. So I called on 1/5 to confirm that she was in fact scheduled for Wednesday at 7pm and that classes did indeed start the following day. This is how the conversation went:

Me: I need to confirm that M is scheduled to start classes tomorrow.
Hunan: Yes, that's correct, Saturday at 1pm
Me: No, Wednesday. She has prior commitments on Saturdays
Hunan: I will check
(several minutes of holding)
Hunan: Okay, yes. I moved her to Wednesday, she can start on Saturday.
Me: No, she can't. She can't come on Saturday, that's why she's in the WEDNESDAY CLASS.
Hunan: Oh, yes, I see.
Me: So class starts tomorrow?
Hunan: I will check
(several minutes of holding)
Hunan: No, class will begin on 1/13
Me: So not this week, next week?
Hunan: yes.

Seems fairly straight forward, right?


Last Wednesday we drove all the way to the other side of town during rush hour traffic.

And found the office dark and locked.

Apparently they had MOVED. And did they put the new address on the door? NO. Of course not. That would just be silly! Instead it said "we've moved to the x mall!" Which, as you can guess is NOT HELPFUL. Like AT ALL.

So I start calling their office number and high tail it the 20 miles to the general area of where they may or may not be. And does anyone answer the phone? NO. OF COURSE NOT.

About call number 6 I get a poor guy in ANOTHER STATE that not only has NO IDEA where they are but has no idea if there is even a class that night. And has no contact information for anyone that MIGHT have it.

Awesome, right?

About that time the battery on my phone dies.

And that's when I get all shouty.

I call them back on M's phone and find out that not only is class canceled, but that THEIR OWN OFFICE (granted in a different state) has NO IDEA where, exactly they are.

I express that this? This is wholly unacceptable. I firmly insist that I get a call back, from a manager the following business day.

It's been a week. Guess how many call backs I've gotten even though I've called every single day? If you guessed NONE you're completely right.

Now this isn't an inexpensive class. This is college tuition expensive. This is used car expensive.

This? Is complete an utter bullshit. At this point, as far as I'm concerned John Robert Powers acting school in Scottsdale Arizona is a sham. Their utter lack of customer service and professionalism is so complete that I caution ANYONE who has any dealing with them whatsoever to seriously consider finding someone else to give their money to.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Even Frozen Iguana Poops

I told ZDub I'd blog this week so y'all can blame her for the fact that I'm tormenting the interwebz with my rambling again.

I've been super busy at work, but not SO busy I can't twitter 250 times in five days (not even exaggerating) and in those five days I have declared the following:

* "Vagina" is the new "Aloha"

* Frozen Iguana is the new Baby Jesus

* Sunday is Eat Like an Asshole Day (with credit for the idea given to @biddymcbidson)

* I shouldn't be left alone in a house that contains fabric dye. See also: green stained kitchen counters and washing machine that remains slightly hot pink tinged.

*Pickle Ball isn't the name of a sex game. But it should be.

*White Cheddar Pirates Booty and Barefoot Wine Riesling = white trash nirvana

* Nichole Richie ALWAYS looks high. Or bored. Although she sounds fairly intelligent (or did on Runway) she just looks like she's ready to start making that hang mans noose motion with her arm.

* Zombies are bad conversationalists.

*"Yes Ma'am" is the new "Roger that". "Roger That" of course being radio code for "fuck that and fuck you!"

* as unacceptable as Crocs already are they are infinitely MORE SO when worn with capri pants and black socks

* "Extra-legal" is the new "illegal"

* I need a Purse Monkey. Which is like a Trunk Monkey, except in my purse.

* There aren't enough people in the world named "Shirleen"

I know. I'm incredibly profound when I am having a complete mental break down that stemmed from making FIFTEEN HUNDRED separate pages of photocopies after being told that I suck and should be fired and getting several paper cuts and THEN? Then finding out that they don't need the copies!

I expect this week to be slightly less shouty and slightly more snarky.

If only because my husband is back in town.

Monday, January 4, 2010


I leave you kids alone for like FIVE SECONDS and y'all write one billion blog posts.

How am I supposed to get caught up? I have WORK to do. Allegedly. My boss keeps saying I do, but really, what does HE know anyway? Oh. How to sign my paycheck. There's that I guess.


I have had the last ten days off and guess what I did? If you guessed "nothing" you'd be partially right. For example, I did not vacuum even ONE TIME. Which is probably why the dining room, which is currently been transformed into a costume shop looks as though a wee little thread cloud exploded. There's seriously about one billion eensy-weensy widdle thread scraps in drifts around the dining room table. It's actually a pretty good look in a "I'll be on the next episode of Hoarders" kind of way.

Speaking of Hoarders. OMG. Are you kittens watching that show? Because it's both fascinating and horrifying. Much like the skin of my belly. Which I assure you that you do not want to see because EW. But anyway. I've learned some very important things from Hoarders. For example, Hoarders are often single. Or maybe not, but the people they lived with are buried in the trash. Also, Hoarders often times have food issues. I wonder if that's related? And EVERY SINGLE ONE of them is all "It's not THAT bad" right up until the point when someone is ready to condemn their house. Then they're all "Oh, I just don't know HOW it got like this!". Um. Dude. Remember the 52,894 times that you put down that thing instead of putting it away and were all "I'll just pick that up in a minute? Yeah. That's when.

Also? um.. yeah. Don't look in my closets.

Let's see...what else did I do?

Oh! My daddy came to visit and let me tell you one little thing: My next husband? WILL BE USEFUL. Because holy cats, does it make a difference when TWO people attack a project. Especially when one of those people has some clue what they're doing. Partially, I suppose it's that my Daddy like to putter. He puttered about my house fixing little things and I tried to lock him in the closet to keep him from going home but he started to cry and then I felt bad and let him out and also gave him some chocolate chip cookies that I made from scratch. That's a lie. It was Pillsbury dough. But I cooked it and that counts.

Which reminds me. Chocolate chip cookies you make at home.; crunchy or soft? I say soft. Crunchy cookies are too store bought-ish. But some people that I'm married too whined and whined about how they should be crunchy and so I made them crunchy and you know what? I'm totally right, they should be soft and he's stupid.

The only other thing of note I did this week Nothing, I guess. Because my life is pretty much exactly like Days of Our Lives except without Stefano DiMera kidnapping my baby, only it's really not my baby or IS IT? And my mother has never been possessed by Satan and my dad isn't an impostor who looks nothing like my real dad but nobody notices because HELLO he has the same name! so it MUST be him! Or is he?

I better go do an investigation.