Ten Things

This is a tag from Larry the Cheeto, who has a blog and it has a link, but I don't remember it, so don't be a lazy ass and just find it on the blogroll, MKAY?

1) When I'm having a very shitty day, I go out of my way to be extra funny. Because laughing is contagious. So is herpes. One I'd like to get from you, the other? Not so much.

2) I hit the snooze three times every morning. Not because I fall back to sleep, but because getting motivated to leave a warm and comfy bed is the hardest part of my day.

3) I'm SLIGHTLY (a lot) addicted to those idiotic games on Facebook. I can't help it! My little Farmville calfs are so cute!

4) I don't match my husbands socks on purpose. He accuses me of such behavior and I deny it.

5) Twice last week instead of buying food, I spent my money on clothes.

6) I wish that one of my eyes was a camera. If I was going to have any part of my body be robotic, it wouldn't, contrary to popular belief be my hoo-ha, it'd be my eye. And it would also shoot lasers. Obviously.

7) I haven't washed my car in four years. I do vacuum the inside though. Why I care that the inside is clean if the outside isn't, I'm not sure. But I do.

8) I believe cake is a completely acceptable breakfast. It's not that different from a doughnut or a muffin when you get right down to it. And wouldn't a slice of cake just be SO MUCH BETTER?

9) I am very bad at planning things. In fact, I shouldn't ever be allowed to plan anything ever, because I'm not going to actually ever finish planning it. I am the idea girl, people, not the planning girl. See also: why there's never any food in my house because the grocery store requires that I plan what I'm going to cook and HELLO! not happening!

10) My favorite song right now is the Timbaland/Justin Timberlake song "Carry Out". It's completely filthy and totally catchy.

Don't judge me, Frozen Iguana.

I'm supposed to tag some people, but remember what I said about the planning? Yeah.

Dumification

M: "Aren't Dodo's like the national bird of Canada or something?"

Me: "uh, no."

M: "Oh. That's right. Canada's flag has a leaf so they don't have a national bird"

Me: SIGH.

I do my own MeMe

1. Three items you would take to a desert island and why. Don't be a loser and say "a boat" either, ok?
* Let's see. I would bring a Marriott hotel and all of it's staff and services
* Oh, a tweezers, because chin hairs are so unsightly. Also, if I get bored I can always pluck my leg hairs.
* A chimp. Although, if the island already HAS chimps, maybe a ice cream truck.

2. If you could only save three people from zombies who they would be?
* Chuck Norris, obviously. The man is a national treasure.
* Mr. T, because he could SO kick some Zombie ass.
* Brad Pitt. No, George Clooney. No, wait. Sean Connery. Or um, what? We'd need to repopulate!

3. If you had to smell like a food, which three foods would you prefer?
* Pie. Possibly cherry. Though apple is nice too.
* Pizza. Because boys LOVE pizza.
* Mint chocolate chip ice cream. Of course, I'd probably spend all day smelling myself like Mary Katherine Gallagher, thereby doing even LESS work, but none the less, delish.

4. Three books you wish you'd never read?
* Anything by Jane Smiley.
* Map of the World, somethingorother Hamilton. Hated it!
* The resolutions? Reservations? Something. Hated it so much I can't recall.

5. Three biggest lies your parents told you?
* The world used to BE black and white
* My great grandparents were descended from leprechauns. To be fair, this may just be something I inferred.
* My sister was born wearing roller skates.

6. Three favorite band names (real, or "If we had a band we should call it...")?
* Bowling for Soup
* Puking Cucumbers
* Retarded Clowns

7. Three things that make you go "ew"?
* Puss, phlegm, anything green and ooz-y like that.
* the smell of rotten fish, week old in the trashcan, heated by the sun
* unflushed public toilets.

8. What are your three biggest addictions?
* Porn. Just kidding. Maybe.
* my blackberry
* my TiVo. I'd marry that thing if I could.

9. Chicken and waffles are ever so tasty; three food combos so wrong they're right?
* Peanut butter and pickle sandwiches
* corn on the cob with mayo
* and uh, I got nothing else. Whoever made this MeMe is stupid.

10. Three bloggers you would make out with?
* Lorrie.
* Nadine.
* The Bloggess

Three MeMe -Improved because it's NEW.

You know those "Three Things" tags? Where you're meant to tell three places you've lived, three names you've been called and so on? Well, those are like SO BORING. But I've been tagged, so I'm making my OWN Three Things MeMe and you're all tagged. So There. Ha.

1. Three items you would take to a desert island and why. Don't be a loser and say "a boat" either, ok?

2. If you could only save three people from zombies who they would be?

3. If you had to smell like a food, which three foods would you prefer?

4. Three books you wish you'd never read?

5. Three biggest lies your parents told you?

6. Three favorite band names (real, or "If we had a band we should call it...")?

7. Three things that make you go "ew"?

8. What are your three biggest addictions?

9. Chicken and waffles are ever so tasty; three food combos so wrong they're right?

10. Three bloggers you would make out with?

There. That was hard. Now go fill it out! It's not like you were working anyway.

Ouiser Says

Some people think the Bible is the greatest book ever. I disagree. I say it's the phone book. Because really, when was the last time the BIBLE ever helped you find an all night pizza place that delivers AND excepts pennies for payment? HMM? NeVeR, that's when.

The Wizard

Today's tag comes from Zakary. She said to save it for Monday, and today is Thursday, but I'm contrary like that.

Here are the rules are:

1. Go to your documents
2. Go to your 6th file.
3. Go to your 6th picture.
4. Blog about it.
5. Tag 6 friends to do the same.

And here you are:

Now, I know it's hard to tell, since I'm not making a weird face and you can't see the Famous Twins at all, but that is me. This picture is a result of a night with a bottle of Crown and a camera..Good thing the tag wasn't to post the 16th picture....just saying.

As for tagging others, I HATES to do that, so if you want to do this on your own blog, have at it!

Perfectly Presented Parable

Morning, Chickens.

I have very many tags to blog this week. I may even actually blog them! That's my dedication to y'all; I will forsake my year end reports to bring you scintillating minutiae.

Today's tag comes from the delightful Miss Lorrie Veasey and is brought to you by the letter


The tag is to list ten things that you LOVE that begin with the assigned letter.

1. Profanity - no shit. I loves me some swear words. Sometimes, nothing conveys the proper gravity of a situation quite like an explosively uttered FUCK.

2. Porn - Shocking, right? Now, I know that women every where are cringing because, OMG, PORN? You like PORN? You (meaning me) are clearly a bad, bad, woman and a shame to the sisterhood! But here's the thing; porn? Very educational. How else would I know about things like Pony Play and Sploshing? Not to mention The Superman and Dirty Sanchez. I mean really! There is a whole world of kink out there and you may not be a freak after all. Then again, maybe you are. But who am I to judge? That's the nice thing about porn, chances are if it makes you feel good, you're not alone. It's like gathering round to sing Kumbaya, but with wieners.

3. Pickles - But only dill. All other pickles are an affront to the sanctity of the pickle species. Do not email me your beloved grandmothers award winning recipe for Bread n Butter pickles, because I will not eat them and I will lose all respect for your saintly Grannie for commit such a sin against taste buds.

4. PDA - Especially among the elderly. How cute is it when a tiny little old lady and a grizzled old man are shuffling by hand in hand? Doesn't it just give you hope?

5. Pie - Oh hells, yes, Mama loves her some pie.

6. Puppies - It's pretty hard to be cranky when confronted by the sweet sway of a fat fat puppy belly. And when they fall asleep?. I swoon. SWOON.

7. Purses - Yes, yes, I'm vapid. And? Carrying around a really nice purse instantly makes you look somehow...more. More put together. More successful. More stylish. Not to mention the construction of a $300 purse vastly surpasses that of a $30 purse. And if you buy something classic - say a quilted Chanel, you'll never go out of style. That said...Louis Vuitton? Not so much. Despite the crazy price tags ($700 for a wristlet!), to me, they look cheap. Also, my birthday is coming up and if y'all love me, you'll buy me a Birkin. Just saying.

8. Purple - I always write in purple pen. Why? Because it's less harsh than black, more whimsical than red and more exciting than blue. Also? Because I'm a wee bit nuts.

9. Pineapple - true story, ladies and gents, consuming pineapple makes certain...fluids less distasteful when swallowed if you catch my drift. What? You don't? Fine. When a man drinks pineapple juice his ejaculate tastes less metallic. Try it. Seriously. If that doesn't work, try sucking on a peppermint while giving head. Tingly and tasty. Altoids work best. And in my experience? A good blow job is pretty much the quickest way to get a man to do what you want. Forever.

10. Peeps - that's right. I love y'all. On days like yesterday, when I was pretty sure I was going to have to beat someone half way to death with my adorable red peep toed shoes, you kids all jumped in to assure me that I wasn't the only one so afflicted. And a burden shared is a burden lightened, right? (I learned that in Sunday school before they asked me to leave and not come back.)

Tag, I'm It!

Here's How It Works:

1. Link the person(s) who tagged you (DUDE. I don’t know how to LINK. Y’all go over to the blog roll and click on "Give Me A Minute, I'll Come Up With Something", okay? Please? She’s awesome.)
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours… (all my quirks are spectacular)
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them…(All y’all are tagged. SO THERE)
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Quirks About Me:

1) I annoy my husband to death with my need to have a made bed before I sleep. If the pillows and sheets aren’t “right”, I’ll fidget all night. I never make the bed in the morning though, I always make it right before I get in it.
2) If I was stranded on a desert island (as opposed to just in the desert) and I could only take one thing, I would take tweezers, because I am terrified of chin hairs. I have ONE chin hair that I’ve named Charlie because he shows up EVERY DAMN DAY.
3) Despite my overwhelming love for shoes and handbags, I have surprisingly few of either. But I LOVE red shoes. LOVE them. I currently have five pairs of red shoes, all of them shiny. I wore a pair yesterday, as a matter of fact. I hate tennis shoes though. I own one pair and wear them only to the gym because I think they’re ugly. I totally do not get people who wear big, clunky, blinding white trainers every where, every day. There are so many beautiful shoes out there people! Diversify!
4) I currently have 9 tubes of mascara. I’ve got a serious obsession with my eyelashes. If I didn’t think it would make me look like a stripper, I would wear fake lashes every single day. As it is, I have tried just about every brand and formula of mascara in existence. My favorites are Tarte “Lights, Camera, Lashes” for dressing up (it’s $18 a tube, but AMAZING) and for daily wear Maybelline “Lash Blast, Volume Blasting Mascara” both in black. I’ve worn mascara every single day since I was twelve and I think I look beady eyed with out it.
5) I claim that I hate to cook, but really I just hate to have to decide what to cook. By the time I decide the menu, shop, put away, take out, prepare, dish and serve it, I’m TOTALLY over whatever it was. When I had a roommate who liked to cook, I loved to cook with her. She would plan the meal, we’d shop for it together and split the prep and clean up and I had a blast. I do like to bake though, but I also like to eat what I bake, so normally I don’t, because I would weigh about 500lbs if I baked every time I felt the mood. I find it very soothing. That’s why everyone around me gets fat, because I like to feed them up with things like Black Forest Cupcakes and Skor Cookies.
6) If I hear the same song twice on the radio, I’ll change the station. There are like eleventy billion songs out there, so I can’t fathom why they play the same song twice an hour.


So there you go. AND NOW, for my encore, I’ll proceed with my NEXT tag;

10 random Facts about me!

Yeah, I know, I’m vain. But you love me.

1) I am right handed, but left eye dominant.
2) My life’s goal is to be a guest on the Oprah Show.
3) When I was a teenager, I worked at a series of summer camps where you went by a code name. Mine was “Gecko”. Years later, when M was a camper there, there was ANOTHER counselor called Gecko, as it turns out, her first name was ALSO Kendra. But she was born on Hawaii instead of Guam. FREAKY.
4) I believe in past lives, ghosts, collective memories and most other forms of “new age” beliefs. I think there is too much that we don’t understand and therefore dismiss. I call every ghost George after the ghost that lived in my little house and used to turn the drawers upside down and then replace them so the silverware fell out when you opened them. He was a prankster that one.
5) I dye my eyebrows.
6) You can always tell how things REALLY are in my life by the cleanliness of my house. The more stressed/unhappy I am, the cleaner my house. When things are good, my house is a wreck. I think this is because I need to feel in control and the act of cleaning and setting things to rights allows me to do that. The house is a wreck right now, by the way. =)
7) Sometimes, NOTHING tastes better than a hot dog with mustard and onions and an icy cold Coke Classic. Bonus points for being consumed with in sight of the ocean.
8) I have a permanent retainer glued to the inside of my bottom teeth
9) I’m thinking about piercing my nipples
10) I used to want to change my name to something more mainstream, like Christina or Jennifer, but now I like having an unusual name.

So there you go, 16 random bits of over sharing. Do you feel enlightened?

OH! And Crap! I forgot that I was ALSO tagged by I forget who with the “ASK ME ANYTHING” tag. As if you don’t know EVERYTHING about me already, right?

So, here’s the deal, you can ask me ANYTHING. Nothing is off limits and I have to answer. Leave your questions in the comments and I’ll post them later. This is your chance, peeps, don’t let it slip away. (Like I needed a tag for this? My middle name should be OVERSHARE!)