Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Perfectly Presented Parable

Morning, Chickens.

I have very many tags to blog this week. I may even actually blog them! That's my dedication to y'all; I will forsake my year end reports to bring you scintillating minutiae.

Today's tag comes from the delightful Miss Lorrie Veasey and is brought to you by the letter

The tag is to list ten things that you LOVE that begin with the assigned letter.

1. Profanity - no shit. I loves me some swear words. Sometimes, nothing conveys the proper gravity of a situation quite like an explosively uttered FUCK.

2. Porn - Shocking, right? Now, I know that women every where are cringing because, OMG, PORN? You like PORN? You (meaning me) are clearly a bad, bad, woman and a shame to the sisterhood! But here's the thing; porn? Very educational. How else would I know about things like Pony Play and Sploshing? Not to mention The Superman and Dirty Sanchez. I mean really! There is a whole world of kink out there and you may not be a freak after all. Then again, maybe you are. But who am I to judge? That's the nice thing about porn, chances are if it makes you feel good, you're not alone. It's like gathering round to sing Kumbaya, but with wieners.

3. Pickles - But only dill. All other pickles are an affront to the sanctity of the pickle species. Do not email me your beloved grandmothers award winning recipe for Bread n Butter pickles, because I will not eat them and I will lose all respect for your saintly Grannie for commit such a sin against taste buds.

4. PDA - Especially among the elderly. How cute is it when a tiny little old lady and a grizzled old man are shuffling by hand in hand? Doesn't it just give you hope?

5. Pie - Oh hells, yes, Mama loves her some pie.

6. Puppies - It's pretty hard to be cranky when confronted by the sweet sway of a fat fat puppy belly. And when they fall asleep?. I swoon. SWOON.

7. Purses - Yes, yes, I'm vapid. And? Carrying around a really nice purse instantly makes you look somehow...more. More put together. More successful. More stylish. Not to mention the construction of a $300 purse vastly surpasses that of a $30 purse. And if you buy something classic - say a quilted Chanel, you'll never go out of style. That said...Louis Vuitton? Not so much. Despite the crazy price tags ($700 for a wristlet!), to me, they look cheap. Also, my birthday is coming up and if y'all love me, you'll buy me a Birkin. Just saying.

8. Purple - I always write in purple pen. Why? Because it's less harsh than black, more whimsical than red and more exciting than blue. Also? Because I'm a wee bit nuts.

9. Pineapple - true story, ladies and gents, consuming pineapple makes certain...fluids less distasteful when swallowed if you catch my drift. What? You don't? Fine. When a man drinks pineapple juice his ejaculate tastes less metallic. Try it. Seriously. If that doesn't work, try sucking on a peppermint while giving head. Tingly and tasty. Altoids work best. And in my experience? A good blow job is pretty much the quickest way to get a man to do what you want. Forever.

10. Peeps - that's right. I love y'all. On days like yesterday, when I was pretty sure I was going to have to beat someone half way to death with my adorable red peep toed shoes, you kids all jumped in to assure me that I wasn't the only one so afflicted. And a burden shared is a burden lightened, right? (I learned that in Sunday school before they asked me to leave and not come back.)

15 little kittens say Meow:

kwr221 said...

Wow. I'm filing this blog under "E" for educational.

You provide such a wonderful public service.

Just *think what you could have done with "S".

I got an "F". I'm not nearly so informative. :-)

Lorrie Veasey said...

OMG: why would you EVER ruin the taste of a perfectly good Altoid by sucking it along with a penis? That's Just Wrong.

I am so surprised you left Poo off this list.

Miss Thystle said...

That's because I do not like poo. I like poo jokes though.

Hi, I'm Amy! said...

You did very well with your P's! I too love only dill. Bread and Butter = barf. And the pineapple trick... yep, tried that and it does indeed work.

blairspage said...

I love the P's that you love... except I have to say that I love all kinds of pickles! :0) Have you tried dill pickles in your chili with some sour cream? YUMMY!

And, I have to add to Lorrie's comment... wouldn't sucking an altoid the same time as sucking the other BURN LIKE HELL? To him not you? :)

Love it!

sheila said...

I am SO not surprised Lorrie blessed you with the letter P. It's because she knows your love of porn, but who would have known about the love of pickels? On second thought, perhaps they go together...

Jane! said...

You mean Kumbaya without ROASTING the weiners.

PearlsOfSomething said...

When I was pregnant, I craved pineapple like nobody's business. Perhaps if the husband had been eating it himself earlier...

I think you've stumbled upon a valid birth control method. You should call Planned Parenthood.

Racie Lover said...

That whole pineapple thing is just wicked.

LuckyMe said...

Shit, girl, that is a whole lotta info!! You get the award for the most informative LETTER post.

Pickles following porn made me laugh. I figured the one and only pickle was going to be your husband's in spite of your porn addiction. Dill pickles dipped in tuna salad! yeah.

PDA? ugh. It's usually the skankiest couple in the mall, not the one with the fancy bag.

Pie? apple or blueberry filling with ice cream, YES. Crust, no.

Purses with initials all over them, totally cheesey! I never got that. I used to like Coach before they went all pink and pop. Who buys these for their teenagers??? I love my Cole Hahn.

I use purple pens because I live with all guys and no one steals them!

I haven't swallowed in years. Is that how you get the Chanel Bag? Just askin.

Nadine Hightower said...

I was told by someone...and I'm not naming names...that mouthwash burns.
First hand experience, candie makes things sticky!
But a couple shots of Tequila...who gives a shit!!
I get new shoes!!

Maelstrom said...

I'm buying pineapple tomorrow. A lot of it.

Megan said...

I agree with KWR, this goes under E for educational! And I also agree with you, B&B pickles = YUCK. Only dill for me, thanks!

I believe Molly from Exquisitely Wasted expounded on the pineapple (and oranges?) thing once in her Fruitcake Friday series. Very interesting indeed! (I'll send her right over.)

me said...

Megan sent me over (Molly here) and she is right, I did a post here about it on my old blog: http://ineedamartini.blogspot.com/2008/09/fruitcake-friday_12.html

Apparently, if a woman drinks orange juice, it tastes nice for the guy, and if a guy drinks pineapple juice, it tastes nice for the girl!

Landinn said...

I love Porn! Just recently bought Dreamquest with Jenna :)

Boys in *my* life have no complaints!