Perfectly Presented Parable

Morning, Chickens.

I have very many tags to blog this week. I may even actually blog them! That's my dedication to y'all; I will forsake my year end reports to bring you scintillating minutiae.

Today's tag comes from the delightful Miss Lorrie Veasey and is brought to you by the letter


The tag is to list ten things that you LOVE that begin with the assigned letter.

1. Profanity - no shit. I loves me some swear words. Sometimes, nothing conveys the proper gravity of a situation quite like an explosively uttered FUCK.

2. Porn - Shocking, right? Now, I know that women every where are cringing because, OMG, PORN? You like PORN? You (meaning me) are clearly a bad, bad, woman and a shame to the sisterhood! But here's the thing; porn? Very educational. How else would I know about things like Pony Play and Sploshing? Not to mention The Superman and Dirty Sanchez. I mean really! There is a whole world of kink out there and you may not be a freak after all. Then again, maybe you are. But who am I to judge? That's the nice thing about porn, chances are if it makes you feel good, you're not alone. It's like gathering round to sing Kumbaya, but with wieners.

3. Pickles - But only dill. All other pickles are an affront to the sanctity of the pickle species. Do not email me your beloved grandmothers award winning recipe for Bread n Butter pickles, because I will not eat them and I will lose all respect for your saintly Grannie for commit such a sin against taste buds.

4. PDA - Especially among the elderly. How cute is it when a tiny little old lady and a grizzled old man are shuffling by hand in hand? Doesn't it just give you hope?

5. Pie - Oh hells, yes, Mama loves her some pie.

6. Puppies - It's pretty hard to be cranky when confronted by the sweet sway of a fat fat puppy belly. And when they fall asleep?. I swoon. SWOON.

7. Purses - Yes, yes, I'm vapid. And? Carrying around a really nice purse instantly makes you look somehow...more. More put together. More successful. More stylish. Not to mention the construction of a $300 purse vastly surpasses that of a $30 purse. And if you buy something classic - say a quilted Chanel, you'll never go out of style. That said...Louis Vuitton? Not so much. Despite the crazy price tags ($700 for a wristlet!), to me, they look cheap. Also, my birthday is coming up and if y'all love me, you'll buy me a Birkin. Just saying.

8. Purple - I always write in purple pen. Why? Because it's less harsh than black, more whimsical than red and more exciting than blue. Also? Because I'm a wee bit nuts.

9. Pineapple - true story, ladies and gents, consuming pineapple makes certain...fluids less distasteful when swallowed if you catch my drift. What? You don't? Fine. When a man drinks pineapple juice his ejaculate tastes less metallic. Try it. Seriously. If that doesn't work, try sucking on a peppermint while giving head. Tingly and tasty. Altoids work best. And in my experience? A good blow job is pretty much the quickest way to get a man to do what you want. Forever.

10. Peeps - that's right. I love y'all. On days like yesterday, when I was pretty sure I was going to have to beat someone half way to death with my adorable red peep toed shoes, you kids all jumped in to assure me that I wasn't the only one so afflicted. And a burden shared is a burden lightened, right? (I learned that in Sunday school before they asked me to leave and not come back.)