Thursday, January 29, 2009

Love Letter, version 2

Hi Honey,

I just wanted to clear a few things up. There seems to be some misunderstanding about what needs to be done in order for the house to not look like the aftermath of some sort of horrendous natural disaster. You know, since your mom, grandma and sister are coming for the weekend. For the first time in eight years. I'm pretty sure that the following things are merely just a miscommunication. Probably you learned them from watching the Spike Channel, which you know, I totally understand, but sit-coms are like porn; They're not real. Well mostly not real. Because that guy from According to Jim? Would totally never pull Courtney in real life.

So, just for future reference, I thought I'd clear up the following;

* Lifting your feet while I vacuum around you isn't considered "helping" with the vacuuming.

* Drawers go in Drawers. See how easy that is to remember? Underpants go inside the dresser, not on top of it. But you were very close, so yay you!

* Windex and 409 aren't interchangeable. Neither are baking soda and baking powder.

* Your "junk" will not "fall off" if you step foot inside a grocery store. I promise. And if it does? We'll sue Safeway and get you new, better junk okay?

* Karate chopping the center of a pile of laundry and folding it in half, is, while humorous, not at all what I meant and you know it.

* Dogs are not cats, they do not wash themselves.

* Dust is not a "new decorating trend" which is too bad, because we'd totally kick some design ass.

* I will make your mother f$&)*% dinner in a damn minute, okay? The mop is making it hard to reach to stove. Additionally, moaning about your belly button rubbing a hole in your back bone is far more effective with out the empty bag of chip and bowl of dip sitting beside you on the couch.

and lastly, for now anyway,

* Laying down on the sheets while I'm trying to make the bed and then whining about the fact I don't want to "do it" with you right there on the pile of clean bedding, is a sure fire way to ensure I will never, ever want to do it with you. In fact, it may drive me to doing it with someone else, and you'll go blind from rubbing your winky. And then how would you watch porn?

So, anyway,if you should have any questions about any of this, then blow it out your hole, okay? Because I still have windows to wash.

Love,

Me

13 little kittens say Meow:

zakary said...

This is some funny shit.

Although, my husband does housework at our house. And he's better at it than I am.

OHN said...

GOD. I want to copy/paste and print this and tape it to my husbands hairy chest.

Miss Thystle said...

OHN, I recommend duct tape.

sheila said...

See, this is the type of note my hubby would write to me. Except for the part about laundry - I love to do laundry. I know, I'm weird.

sheila said...

BTW - is your dog eating a spinach salad over there on your flickr post?

Miss Thystle said...

Well, it was lettuce, but yes. That dog is so weird he LOVES vegetables. Literally begs for them

Lorrie Veasey said...

The flicker picture of you with the Crown Royale--taken BEFORE this post or AFTER? Because my whole attitude about that sheets thing can be drastically effected by the amount of alcohol consumed.

Lorrie Veasey said...

PS Love your new avitar.

Miss Thystle said...

It was totally taken after. Did you know you can buy booze in 1.75litre bottles at costco for wicked cheap? You do now. Also, you know know where to look for me if I go missing. The patio furniture aisle. I'll be the one with th bottle of crown, using a snorkle for a straw and wrapped in a real!goosedown!comforter! singing about how my lover done did me wrong.

Nadine Hightower said...

new better junk...funny!!
Must wash pop off pc now!!

Megan said...

I think you channeled 80% of married women when you wrote this. Me included.

I wonder how long you could stay in Costco sitting on their furniture, drinking their booze until somebody wises up and kicks you out? Wanna try it?!

LuckyMe said...

My husband would spend two days on yard work. In January. to get ready for company.

His idea of shopping? Bags of ice at the WaWa (convenience store). He doesn't mind buying all of the groceries as long as he can get them in a 20X20' store.

Good luck with the inlaws!

Bj in Dallas said...

I'm thinking you need my cat food casserole recipe....