Ouiser comes to visit

- Yesterday, I saw a bum riding a bicycle with a 35 gallon trash can strapped to his back and a bag from each handlebar with 2 boxes each of Krispy Kreme doughnuts. I thought about running him down and stealing his doughnuts, but then I figured they were probably stale anyway, so I didn't.

- It's bulk garbage week in our neighborhood. That's where you can put out anything non-hazardous and the city will take it. I put out the dogs cracked wading pool, some yard waste and some old modular shelves. Yesterday, when I came home, someone had taken half my trash and spread the rest over my driveway. Seriously. If you're going to steal my trash, at LEAST have the manners to pile it back up!

- I figured I'd cheer myself up a little by playing ball with my dogs. So I locate a newish yellow tennis ball from under the hedge and toss it to into the yard. The dogs go running willy-nilly, or you know, as willy-nilly as a dog with the shape of a walrus can run, and come tearing back hell bent for leather and one drops the ball and my feet. And then pees on it. And my feet. Which were bare.

- I spent all day cleaning on Sunday. Mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleared away about 200 magazines and catalogues and junk mail. Then I straightened the shelves, organized the hall closet and washed 6 loads of laundry. This morning, after my family spent ONE DAY in the house? It looks like a hurricane went through there. WTF, People? Is it THAT FRICKEN HARD to take your glass to the kitchen and your bag to your room? Are you fundamentally incapable of understanding the concept of "if you got it out, put it back?" It's not rocket surgery. It's called good manners. A concept that clearly eludes them.

- So I thought, you know what? I'll make lemon bars. Who can be cranky when faced with lemon bars? Surely, I will return to my mostly-cheerful self? Oh, goody! I think, I have just enough eggs. Then, just as I'm cracking the last one, the doorbell rings, the dogs bark and I do this.


Yeah, I cracked the egg and poured it into the carton instead of the bowl. Lovely.

- Undaunted I go to find my husband. My (alledged) source of strength and comfort. "Give me some kisses" I demand "I'm having a bad day" and you know what he says? "No, you make me sick." Now, he was probably referring to the fact we're passing around some kind of illness, but damn. OUCH.

- But I soldiered on. I watch some TV, I fold the last of the laundry, I go to bed. This morning, I get up, mostly restored to my usual even temper and good humor and ten minutes ago, M calls. Only, it's her ass calling me, because I overhear an entire conversation about what a "stupid bitch" I am. This after I loaned her a pair of shoes and gave her an extra $5 for after school.

- And to top it all off, a very dear friend has taken to blowing me off. When we do talk, things are just...not right. I'm at a loss as to what has happened, what has changed and they're not saying either.

So that, kids, is what's the matter. A whole lot of things that on their own are not that big of a deal. Kind of funny even in some cases. But added together, it's a lot. Too much. And so I am just...off, I guess. Not myself. I promise, with the proper application of whiskey my good humor will return. Probably. What the heck, it's 8am. I might as well start now...