Polished Toes Are The Keynote of Good Grooming

Hey. Did y'all know that some people on the interwebs AREN'T imaginary? Weird, right?

Today, the blogging world is a bit sniffly and on edge as we wait for news of Anissa Mayhew, a fellow blogger (fellow. Ha. She totally kicks my ass at blogging. And also at tweeting) who was struck down by a stroke. Anissa is in a coma right now and she and her family could really use your positive vibes/prayers/whatever that she recover as quickly and as fully as possible.

Secondly, one of the very first blogs that I started reading and one of my favorites is She Just Walks Around With It. Seriously, Kristy cracks me the hell up and is one of the major reasons that I moved to blogger in from Spaces. Also? She has an adorable new baby named Eve. And those cheeks? OH MY GOD. Kristy also write as site where she reviews products. She doesn't even use the F-word in her reviews. I KNOW, that's some talent right there. And you know what ELSE? She give stuff away. WAY better stuff than I give away. I love her blog. I love that she laid out everything from a gut wrenching divorce, to a new life on a different coast right down to a brand new baby and joys and trials that come with her in a way that you can related to and laugh with because you know exactly what she means when she tells you that the biggest accomplishment some days is managing to shower. It's one of those rare mommy-blogs that isn't a mommy blog at all, but rather a blog that just happens to be written by a mommy. A mommy who puts her baby first but isn't defined by her. The kind of mommy you want to invite over for wine and cupcakes.

And I? Love wine and cupcakes. I also love winning stuff. Like that time in 1986 when I won the Spelling Bee because I could spell "chief" and Bevin couldn't and I'm pretty sure it's only because I was wearing my awesome Little Orphan Annie knickers. (the short pants kind, not the slang-for-panties kind. I imagine my panties were probably Underoo's. Remember those? I loved mine. I had Wonder Woman.) What the hell was I talking about? Oh yes. Winning stuff. Apparently Kristy's contests aren't imaginary because I won a pretty awesome prize from her last give away. Which means that YOU could win the next one which includes a $100 Visa gift card. So go over there and enter.

Lastly, apparently not imaginary interwebz peoples, I thought we'd do something interactive today that may or may not include a prize that I may or may not remember to mail to you in a timely fashion.

The other day I mentioned that a major deciding factor in my life is how my Gram would do or handle something. My Gram, in addition to being hilarious, a kick ass party guest and a gracious hostess is a font of knowledge and I was lucky enough to grow up down the street from her. She taught my sisters and I all kind of important things. Like a girl should always have a red bra in case she needs to flag down a train. That you should always name a child something that makes an easy nickname or they'll wind up called something horrible like Lumpy. That you can get past forgetting anyones name by calling them honey, and that if you can't be nice you better at least be polite.

So that brings us to what may or may not be our contest, but is definitely going to be a blog entry.

What piece of wisdom would you give to a child? What one little thing, simple or not, do you think that everyone should know? What is you version of WhatWouldGramDo?

Attention TrishMarie!

I still have your Starbucks gift card! Please email me your address or I'm going to go drink a big, giant pumpkin spice latte and then get all sick and roll around on my floor moaning about how I am going to die. DIE. and it will be all your fault.

Click/Slurp

Hiya Chickens!

Guess what NoBlog Sheila and I are doing? Taking pictures! Every day. I KNOW, right! We're participating in a project called Envisage (link under 'People I stalk'), where a bunch of women are submitting a picture a day (everyone elses pictures are better than mine, btw) to chronicle a year in their life. It's the second year of the project. Last years results were gorgeous.

I've created a page just for my pictures here .

Earl, who you'll notice has been added as a writer, is going to be a love and redesign my blog with tabs! and a header! and uh...whatever the hell else he decides to add. I'm the VISION here, people, not the talent.

So stay tuned for BIG! Exciting! Changes! WooHoo!

Speaking of exciting! Our winning Cinderella is I am Trish Marie! Whose wish made me all sniffly. Though that's not why she won. Here's what she wished for:

Well, hell. I wasn't going to be all sad and awwww, but then Vanessa K up there did it first. See, Emmi, my youngest daughter is deaf. She has cochlear implants, and she hears only with the processors on. But she can't wear them in water, and this kid LOVES the ocean. Like you wouldn't believe. So if I get to wish anything for one day, it would be for her to be able to swim in the ocean AND hear it. After that, I'll need that limitless credit card, and the ability to shit hundred dolloar bills. Although, imagine the paper cuts.

See? Now I wish I really did have magic powers, don't you?

Trish Marie email me your address please and I'll send your big winnings!

Happy Weekend, Kittens.

Cinderella

If you could have anything right now, but you had to give it back at dawn, what would you have?

Would you spend the day eating calorie free cake?

Would you have a credit card with no limit, would you spend it on yourself or would you pay off the national debt?

Would you spend the day in the arms of your lover basking in the sun of a tropical beach eating bacon and drinking Mai Tai's while a muscled cabana boy rubbed lotion on your back and a dozen bronzed gods fanned you with ostrich plumes?

Would you eat fifty pounds of liquid nacho cheese and roll around in 100 dollar bills?

You know what? Let's make this a contest. Leave your Cinderella wish in the comments and on Friday I'll randomly select a winner and send them a $10 gift card to Starbucks. MMMMmmm caffeine.

Thanks y'all!

Taylor made it to the finals of the Arizona's Next Top Model contest! Woot!



BUT now she needs your votes again! Click here to help her make it all the way through!



How can you say no to someone this pretty?

Last Chance!

Doesn't Emma look sad? It's because she's $220 away from her goal.

BUT! Good news! You still have the rest of today to help turn that frown upside down AND have a better than one in ten chance of winning a stylish COACH PURSE

So go donate and then leave a comment here. We'll announce the winner Monday

A big, huge thanks from Emma's Mom & Dad to all that have already donated.

Disturbing on many levels

Brought to you by Awkward Family Photos

You know what's NOT disturbing? Giving Emma your lunch money! This is the last week for the contest so go here to donate and then leave a comment so I know you donated. Contest ends Saturday and we'll draw the winner on Monday.

Public service announcements

Go win some super bling from Miss Lorrie Veasey

Be a cool kid like Ruby, Lorrie, Sheila, Eric and me and give Emma your lunch money!

Go to El Pollo Loco today for free chicken!

Don't send your children to public school.

M: One: I don't know what you're even talking about, second; you said I could and two, wait, one, two, THIRD; dang. I forgot what we were talking about. STOP LAUGHING AT ME.

Less than Minty

Before the invention of modern toothpaste, from Roman times up to as recently as the 18th century, there is evidence that people used to whiten their teeth using urine. Sometimes their own, but mostly other people's.

Have you given Emma money yet?

There might be a purse in it for you, you know!

In Which We Do Good - with a picture of the PRIZE

Every now and then I stop using the Interwebs to surf porn and regale you with stories about my ass long enough to make an actual connection with a real live (allegedly) normal person.

One such (not even allegedly normal) person is my friend Crabgrass and his adorable little girl Emma.



Emma was born with a genetic condition called Angelman's Syndrome. I will admit to being shamefully ignorant as to the specifics of the condition, above that it's causes severe developmental delays in both mental and motor functions. However, I must also tell you that Emma has the most infectious laugh that I have ever, ever heard. It's a sound that's complete joy and you can't help but laugh with her when you hear it.

Emma and her Grandma are currently raising money to attend the Angelman's Walkathon in San Diego on May 16th, which uses it's proceeds to fund research in to the cause, treatment and therapies to benefit those born with Angelman's.

Now for the part where I hit you up for cash and then also bribe you.

For every ten dollars that you donate to Emma's personal pledge page I will enter your name in a raffle to win a genuine Coach purse. It's a brand new brown with gold trim "evening bag size" purse complete with genuine Coach tissue paper. Because details matter, people. The retail price on this prize is over $100. That's how serious I am, chickens! I'm willing to cough up a Benjamin in this economy AND help you (buy) your way into Heaven! (I'll post a picture this afternoon)(of the purse, not Heaven)



You can donate anonymously if you prefer. To enter, after you make your donation leave a comment on this blog entry with your position on the donation list and the amount of your donation and I will enter you into the contest. The walk-a-thon is 5/16 so the contest will remain open until then.

Please feel free to repost this request to your own blog, link to this entry or Tweet a shout out so that your followers can enter too.

Come on, you know you need the good Karma. And the purse!

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge

Well I will be dammed. Miss Lorrie "Vote Stacker" Veasey didn't win. And neither did Kristin of Give Me a Minute aka KWR221. Although, I must say, you two damn sure did put in the effort.

Too bad you didn't suck up to Random.org, because according to them the secretly naughty Miss Tiffany of Blairspage is the Queen of Random at number 35 with her suggestion of

Miss Thystle Says You're Jealous

And now you all ARE jealous, so there you go, she was right.

Our second Random Winner is Holly West, who I suspect may also be called Holly Kay, but I'm not totally sure.

So Tiffany, pick your prize! Will it be Meatballs or Speaker wire? Bread sticks or head phones? Decisions, decisions!

Cheaters SOMETIMES prosper

Good mornings, my chickens!

Just wanted to stop in and say hi.

I know I should post a blog and believe me I'm working on a doozie, but it's not ready so you'll just have to wait.

If you recall, way on back to two weeks ago, I promised you a contest. And you behaved so very well for Lovely Liz, there are in fact TWO prizes! Good ones even!

The first is a $25 gift card to Olive Garden, that claims you can also use it at Red Lobster.

And the second is a $25 gift card to Best Buy. Which I don't think has gone out of business. Yet.

Look at that, kiddo's! $50 whole dollars worth of prizes!

Reasonably, you may be asking, what do you have to do to win said prizes? The answer is...um...shit. I hadn't thought that far. Okay, I know. You have to come up with March's subtitle for my headliner. You know, up at the top? Where is says "Thystle Says" and then under it, it says something clever? Or at least something *I* think is clever? That's where I mean.

Then, I will randomly draw two submissions and then randomly pick one of those two and that winner gets first choice of gift cards and their title goes in at the top. The second winner gets a prize just for being randomly awesome.

Enter as many times as you want, invite your friends to enter, get your cat a blogger account so it can enter, you know; Cheat a little if you want.

Ready? GO.

Let the Squishiness Commence

After a staggering 72 hours, baby Gianna popped into the world with TWO pushes as 7:40pm on Saturday.

Can I get an "Awwwww" from the audience?

See that? She's all, WUUZZZ UPPPP INTERNETS! Y'all are my home slices!

She's got dark hair and dark brownish grey eyes and weighed in at a petite 7lbs 2.5oz.

I want to eat her up; she's that cute.

Our closest guess for the arrival time was Sheila with 8:40pm, so Sheila gets the prize! Hooray!

Winners, BaBy Update, Public Service Announcement and a NEW CONTEST!

Hiya Chickens! I've spent about the last 24 hours and the hospital, and if you've been reading my twitter updates, you'll know that as of yet, there is no progress. And by "no progress" I mean that the baby mama is still at 1cm and 0% effacement. Which means no adorable squishiness today either.

But, we do have two contest winners! Yay! Contest winners! Because I'm on the hospitals computer I couldn't do anything fancy like Miss Lorrie Veaseyalways does, so I randomly wrote down two numbers between 1 & 33 (33 being the total number of comments received) and with out further ado, that makes our winners

RPC (with the stellar suggestion of DUCT TAPE as next years must have) winning the flower clip

and

Melaina25 (with the dubious, though no doubt sadly accurate prediction of PEEP TOE GLADIATOR BOOTS. A trend from which I, for one, will not partake, thanks just the same) winning the cocktail ring!

If y'all would be so kind as to email me your mailing addresses, I'll drop your goodies in the post some time next week.

Now, I want to make sure that you kids are aware that tomorrow is one of the most important days of the year. It's a day second only in it's glory to the date of my own personal birth. It is perhaps more glorious though because everyone gets to celebrate it with equal vigor. It's

SPARKLY DAY!

WOOT! That's right! It's the day of the year when every woman should be escorted by her significant other to the nearest jewelry store and be allowed to chose what ever her heart desires. This brilliant day says to the lady of your heart "I know I'm an asshole, but here's something shiny to help you forget it." Acceptable Sparkly Day gifts include all manner of jewelry, new cars, designer hand bags and should the love of his life so chose, perhaps professional home remodeling. Basically, whatever Mama wants, Mama gets.

I recommend all you girls tell your husbands/boyfriends/wives about this, the most special holiday of the year. Gentlemen, you know what needs to be done, so unsheathe the credit card and get to it.

And lastly, since wee baby Gianna is being a pill, I thought we'd have a little fun. In the comment section, leave your best guess as to the day, hour and minute of her arrival. The person closest to the correct time will win....something. Oh! I know, I have one last flask-and-booze prize sitting on the shelf.

SO! Guess away and happy Sparkly Day to all y'all!

Like Schnitzel with Noodles, only BETTER.

Hiya Chickens!


Guess what I'm doing today! You'll never guess. GUESS! Why aren't you guessing? Don't you like guessing games with random answers? No? Okay, fine, I'll tell you. I'm sitting around waiting for my friend to extrude her womb fruit! Doesn't that sound fun? I mean really, what's NOT fun about watching something the size of a grape fruit try and shove itself out of a hole the size of a lemon? nothing that's what. Unless, I suppose it's your own personal hoo-ha that's being torn asunder by a little bald headed parasite. However, in this case, it's not my hoo-ha, I just get to take the day off work. So, you know, win for me!

So I thought, in honor of the expulsion of wee Gianna from her uterine playground, we'd play a little game! Doesn't that sound like fun? I know! Now, I know y'all are used to getting alcoholic prizes from me, but I thought we'd mix it up. Call it my own little Oprah's favorite things. Only, you know, Oprah is still caged up in my basement and I can't afford to hand out a car, so it's Thystle's Favorite Things. Almost as good, but much less classy. Like me!

And there's only two things being given away. Because I'm cheap like that. But that does mean that there will be two winners ! Hooray for winning shit!

Prize number one is a flowered hair clip. These things are starting to pop up all over and I predict they're going to be big this year.





Prize number two is an adjustable cocktail ring. Those of you that have been around the Thystle Patch for a while may recall that last year at this time, I vowed to bring cocktail rings back into fashion. So I used my powers for world domination instead of mayhem for a bit and bada BLING they're everywhere this season! Score yours!

Now for the part where I see just what y'all are willing to do to get a prize! Email a naked picture of yourself, posing with a garden gnome, a bottle of red wine and a....JUST KIDDING. Gosh, relax. There are somethings I just don't need to know about you. Like that you have three nipples or your middle name is Herman. Things like that. Also, I don't need to know that once, in third grade, you puked in the parka hood of at that little boy that was mean to you all the time. Actually, I take that back, I totally want to know stuff like that about you. In fact, that will be next weeks Favorite Thing contest question! Remind me next week, okay?

Now I've lost the plot entirely....oh yes! For this week's contest, in the comment section leave your prediction for what next years MUST HAVE item is going to be. It can be anything. On Friday, I'll draw two names at random from the submissions and announce the winner.

Not to leave the male readers out (either one of you), should a man be selected (or I suppose should the selected winner prefer) then something manly will be substituted. What this manly thing might be will just have to be a surprise, but it will probably come from Home Depot or Best Buy or some other place that manly men shop. I'll have to ask a manly man where that might be should the occasion present itself, because I'm not a very manly girl. Except for the gun. And the truck. And, you know, my vast collection of porn.

Hooray for.....

No fair scrolling ahead, because it took me ten minutes to figure out how to email pictures from my damn Blackberry.

OKAY! Are you ready? Drum roll please!

Hooray Jane! Email me your address, if you please!

Contestularity

I have, as usual, about 64,000 things that I should be doing, but of course am not. Not because I don't want to do them; but because I'm stubborn like that. And there's always tomorrow, because last time I check the filing elves were on strike. Short, lazy, bow legged bastards.

Lorrie was making fun of me the other day. Not that I'm tattling, but I totally am. She suggested that I should re-register this blog at www.checkoutmyrack.com and at first, I'm all, OW, MEANIE, but then I thought, that's frappin' hilarious. Because, let's be honest here, I do post a wicked lot of pictures of my boobs and my ass on this blog.

What can I say, they're magnificent. Awe-inspiring, even. SO THEN I thought what a great opportunity for a contest!

So, here's the contest; finish the following sentence;

My blog should REALLY be called________________because________________.

Enter as many times as you like, the winner will be drawn at random from the comments, so the more you comment the more chances you have to win!

The prize will be......A FLASK and a shot of some kind of alcohol!

The contest will run through Sunday night. If you can talk one of YOUR blog readers into comming over here to comment and they mention your name, you'll get an extra entry.

Awesome, right? I KNOW.

With all Districts Reporting...

Y'all are a terrible influence on me, you realize that, right? Here I am, TRYING to be good. TRYING to clean up my unbelievably foul mouth and you know what the landslide winner was?


To just keep swearing.


Seriously, it wasn't even a contest, it was a SMACK DOWN with swearing taking in more than four times the votes of the next closest word.


BUT since the contest was to find a replace for swearing in situations when I can not (well, should not) swear, that makes our winner....


DRUM ROLL, PLEASE........



RACIE LOVER for her suggestion of "frappin"!!


Yay for Racie!


You know what though? It's my blog and I can do whatever I want, so there is also a BONUS prize! That's right I'm spreading the booze around! So let's give a big hand to Megan at Smartini for her submission "Heaven Help Me".


So, ladies, I raise a Kikitini to you this morning....well, not really raise it, more like suck it furiously through a bendy-straw while pretending it's just pineapple juice and hope that no one notices I'm singing songs from the hit Disney musical 'Little Mermaid' while laying under my desk with my feet up on the chair instead of doing important accounting things like...um...whatever it is accounts are meant to be doing.



I will be sending your prizes out this week and if the bottles arrive empty; I don't know how it happened!

AND the winner is.....

I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatevah I want. Also, because tomorrow is The ELECTION Day of all election day's and I'm obviously going to be much to busy watching CNN, MSNBC, Faux News and all the rest of the talking heads to blog.

Or to do any work.

So, basically, it's just like every other day, except that it's Tuesday and some days aren't. Why? Because they just aren't; that's why.

Instead I'm going to make you all SUPER jealous by regaling you with tales of plunder, a random list, some things I keep forgetting to tell you and a place where I beg for favors.

Maybe in that order, maybe not.

Why? Because I can.

Have y'all ever been to an outlet "mall" because your BFF said it was an absolute MUST VISIT money saving DREAM? Then been all "really? I drove eleventy hours for this? A Bali Bra outlet and a Mikasa? Really? I DEMAND MY GAS MONEY BACK, you bitch." Well let me tell you, the outlet mall in San Ysidro, CA? Not that mall. Just ask BJ whom I texted updates like "spending the mortgage payment" from the Coach factory store. Oh, yes. That's right. An outlet store for the purse of all purses, the classy, stylish, expensive Coach store.

Where I got an all leather purple hobo bag for $115. Instead of it's "real" store price of $400. And I happen to know this is a current-ish style & color, because I totally made out with the window display in the store near Union Square just a month ago.

AND THEN. Oh, yes, there is more. I got a logo print, patchwork evening sized bucket purse for $20. As in one dollar more than nineteen dollars. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Then, we had to go home, because, you know, I spent all my lunch money for the rest of the year.

Now for the random list of stuff that was in my purse (sub title, I know why I have shoulder pain)-

* Four half chewed packages of gum. All the same flavor

* Two 9mm rounds (also 6 shells casing of various caliber...keeps the cops guessing)

* eleven pennies, including one that had been run over

* A key to something, though I know not what

* 6 handi-wipes from Phil's BBQ...mmmm ribs

* 9 losing Power Ball tickets

* some kind of pill - I took it. I feel fine except for these antlers that are growing from behind my ears. I'm sure it's unrelated though.

* a box of binder clips for keeping my shirt from gaping open. Unopened, of course.

* 7 shades of lip gloss/stick/etc, almost all in some shade of red. None the "right" shade though.

* a used Kleenex (ew). I'll assume it's a snot rag not a "happy rag"

* Door key for some Marriott hotel somewhere. I sure hope that guy managed to chew through the scarves.

* ANOTHER door key for a Marriott hotel. Presumably a different one. Or maybe the same one. I always black out when I've been drinking Uzo, so there is no telling.

* 4 ribbons, random lengths. Possibly related to room keys above.

* a single, green, linty gum drop. I hate gum drops.

That was just the "odd" stuff too. I didn't even touch on the regular stuff like the iPod, cell phone, vitamins and .38 Smith & Wesson that belong in there. I should just get a rolling suitcase. Or a minion. Who wants to be my minion? It pays nothing and I sometimes do not excuse myself when I pass gas. Apply in the comments with a sample of your best flattering for consideration.

Hey! Remember how I had that sleep study? Turns out I DO have sleep apnea, except that I always sleep fine when I'm not at home and have a whole bed to myself. But those two studies cost my insurance company about $6000 (I'm not even exaggerating) so I'm totally taking that machine and selling it on eBay and using the proceeds to buy shoes. It's my own personal economic stimulus plan. I'm very civic minded, you know.

Those of you in California no doubt know about the Prop. 8 vote tomorrow. (Move along if you don't like politics even a wee little bit), For those that DON'T know, Prop 8 is about gay marriage. There were protesters out on the corner, and I being both classy AND tasteful and Deloris who is loud as shit and twice as crazy, put on a make believe lesbian love show for them. Because why shouldn't gays be just as miserable as the rest of us? No reason, that's why. Everyone should be given the opportunity to hog covers, leave dishes on the sink and threaten to abandon home and hearth for the circus with only their legal binding to prevent it. Also? How cute are Ellen and Portia? Don't you just want to go to there house and play Scene It? I know I do. And if you vote yes on Prop 8, then the Lord Baby Jeebus is going to be super mad and smite you for preventing that. I know, because I'm a minister.

M wants to go to boarding school for high school. Good idea/bad idea?

My toe that I smashed the other week is all crookedy.

Lorrie keeps giving Kristin prizes, and I love them both and would NEVER say they're cheating or anything like that; but I suspect there is bribes involved.

Now the part where I ask for something. Less of a something and more of and informational suggestion. I've got a friend in the LA/Oxnard area who's looking for a job and would be very grateful for any assistance thrown his way. He's got quite a lot of retail management experience and also some office/call center experience. If you know of anything that might fit the bill drop me a line.

I'll come over and drink Uzo with you to show my gratitude to your helpfulness.

But be sure to hide the scissors first. Because I won't answer for suggesting this


again.

Mother of Cluck

Alright Poodles, I should have KNOWN that promising y'all booze would bring me amazing comments!

I tried to make a clickity poll, but after the third web site gave me a fatal error message, I gave up. So we're going to improvise! In the comments you may vote for TWO answers but answering with the numbers of the words that you like best.

Comments will be counted on Monday morning around 9 or 10-ish Mountain Time. Or maybe Pacific time. Or MAYBE Island time. You just never know. Well, you WILL know, because I'll post the winner (based strictly on number of votes received) then! SO you can promote this contest on your Twitter or your own blog to pimp your answer.

If I get more than 50 comments I'll send out a prize to the second place winner too!

OOOh, are you ready?
Let the EXCITEMENTIFICATION begin!

1) Frickity-frackity-fruck-face

2) Pancake

3) Muffelufflelophogus

4) FUDGE

5) Othermay foay Uckfay

6) Frappin

7) Dadgummit

8) Pig Trucker

9) Sweet Mother of Pearl

10 ) Mother Goose

11) Potato

12) OR should I just keep swearing?

And a late suggestion from the Lovely Megan of Smartini, allowed because she said I have a nice rack,

13) Oh My

14) Heaven Help Me (as in Heaven help me if you don't knock it off)


There you go! NOW VOTE. Don't act like you're busy, I know your not, because if you were you'd be working instead of reading this. And you're not, are you?

This is the most important vote you'll cast this week.