AND the winner is.....

I'm not going to tell you until tomorrow. Why? Because it's my blog and I can do whatevah I want. Also, because tomorrow is The ELECTION Day of all election day's and I'm obviously going to be much to busy watching CNN, MSNBC, Faux News and all the rest of the talking heads to blog.

Or to do any work.

So, basically, it's just like every other day, except that it's Tuesday and some days aren't. Why? Because they just aren't; that's why.

Instead I'm going to make you all SUPER jealous by regaling you with tales of plunder, a random list, some things I keep forgetting to tell you and a place where I beg for favors.

Maybe in that order, maybe not.

Why? Because I can.

Have y'all ever been to an outlet "mall" because your BFF said it was an absolute MUST VISIT money saving DREAM? Then been all "really? I drove eleventy hours for this? A Bali Bra outlet and a Mikasa? Really? I DEMAND MY GAS MONEY BACK, you bitch." Well let me tell you, the outlet mall in San Ysidro, CA? Not that mall. Just ask BJ whom I texted updates like "spending the mortgage payment" from the Coach factory store. Oh, yes. That's right. An outlet store for the purse of all purses, the classy, stylish, expensive Coach store.

Where I got an all leather purple hobo bag for $115. Instead of it's "real" store price of $400. And I happen to know this is a current-ish style & color, because I totally made out with the window display in the store near Union Square just a month ago.

AND THEN. Oh, yes, there is more. I got a logo print, patchwork evening sized bucket purse for $20. As in one dollar more than nineteen dollars. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Then, we had to go home, because, you know, I spent all my lunch money for the rest of the year.

Now for the random list of stuff that was in my purse (sub title, I know why I have shoulder pain)-

* Four half chewed packages of gum. All the same flavor

* Two 9mm rounds (also 6 shells casing of various caliber...keeps the cops guessing)

* eleven pennies, including one that had been run over

* A key to something, though I know not what

* 6 handi-wipes from Phil's BBQ...mmmm ribs

* 9 losing Power Ball tickets

* some kind of pill - I took it. I feel fine except for these antlers that are growing from behind my ears. I'm sure it's unrelated though.

* a box of binder clips for keeping my shirt from gaping open. Unopened, of course.

* 7 shades of lip gloss/stick/etc, almost all in some shade of red. None the "right" shade though.

* a used Kleenex (ew). I'll assume it's a snot rag not a "happy rag"

* Door key for some Marriott hotel somewhere. I sure hope that guy managed to chew through the scarves.

* ANOTHER door key for a Marriott hotel. Presumably a different one. Or maybe the same one. I always black out when I've been drinking Uzo, so there is no telling.

* 4 ribbons, random lengths. Possibly related to room keys above.

* a single, green, linty gum drop. I hate gum drops.

That was just the "odd" stuff too. I didn't even touch on the regular stuff like the iPod, cell phone, vitamins and .38 Smith & Wesson that belong in there. I should just get a rolling suitcase. Or a minion. Who wants to be my minion? It pays nothing and I sometimes do not excuse myself when I pass gas. Apply in the comments with a sample of your best flattering for consideration.

Hey! Remember how I had that sleep study? Turns out I DO have sleep apnea, except that I always sleep fine when I'm not at home and have a whole bed to myself. But those two studies cost my insurance company about $6000 (I'm not even exaggerating) so I'm totally taking that machine and selling it on eBay and using the proceeds to buy shoes. It's my own personal economic stimulus plan. I'm very civic minded, you know.

Those of you in California no doubt know about the Prop. 8 vote tomorrow. (Move along if you don't like politics even a wee little bit), For those that DON'T know, Prop 8 is about gay marriage. There were protesters out on the corner, and I being both classy AND tasteful and Deloris who is loud as shit and twice as crazy, put on a make believe lesbian love show for them. Because why shouldn't gays be just as miserable as the rest of us? No reason, that's why. Everyone should be given the opportunity to hog covers, leave dishes on the sink and threaten to abandon home and hearth for the circus with only their legal binding to prevent it. Also? How cute are Ellen and Portia? Don't you just want to go to there house and play Scene It? I know I do. And if you vote yes on Prop 8, then the Lord Baby Jeebus is going to be super mad and smite you for preventing that. I know, because I'm a minister.

M wants to go to boarding school for high school. Good idea/bad idea?

My toe that I smashed the other week is all crookedy.

Lorrie keeps giving Kristin prizes, and I love them both and would NEVER say they're cheating or anything like that; but I suspect there is bribes involved.

Now the part where I ask for something. Less of a something and more of and informational suggestion. I've got a friend in the LA/Oxnard area who's looking for a job and would be very grateful for any assistance thrown his way. He's got quite a lot of retail management experience and also some office/call center experience. If you know of anything that might fit the bill drop me a line.

I'll come over and drink Uzo with you to show my gratitude to your helpfulness.

But be sure to hide the scissors first. Because I won't answer for suggesting this


again.