Tuesday, April 29, 2008

On Your Toes

Shoes are the single fashion trend item that can be worn successfully by most everyone. I say most everyone because people with no feet would have a hard time wearing them, I guess. Although, I suppose you could tie the strings of a pair of espadrilles and casually sling them over your shoulder….

But I digress. As usual.

Given that shoes are available nearly everywhere and in any size I can't fathom why people insist on wearing ugly shoes.

Or worse yet, insist on wearing shoes that don't fit. You know that ones I mean, the harpy claw ladies (cough, cough Paris Hilton). The ones with the open toed shoes and snaggly toes creeping out over the edge, clawing at the ground as they shuffle (because they always shuffle) along down the corridor. How can they walk like that? Doesn't the hot pavement burn their toes? What if the step in gum? What if they step in dog crap? Don't they stub their toes a lot?

What makes them buy shoes like that? This isn't 1950 when Dale Evans (I think it was) crammed herself into her mothers' size 4 shoes to make her imprint on her Hollywood Star. Nor yet is it olden day China where bound feet or Golden Lilies were the standard of beauty. There is no current fashion reason for too small shoes.

Oh sure, I understand that sometimes the super cute Steve Maddens at Ross are only available in a half size or size smaller than your feet. But that doesn't make it okay to wear shoes where your toes and heels hang out over the edge. You must leave them on the shelf! You must! No, not just this one time, never, never buy them if they don't fit.

Now granted, some people have regular length feet and super long toes. Toes so long they look like Li'l Smokies with nails. In that case, they should wear close toed shoes (Paris Hilton).

Now let's move on to the subject of feet themselves.

Basically, there are no attractive feet. There are feet that are less ugly, but feet themselves are not terribly beautiful. However, there are things that you can do to make your feet less offensive. Pedicures are a good place to start. Dry, cracked feet can be made smooth unsightly nails trimmed and painted.

Most importantly in my opinion is the toe waxing. Yes, I said it. Toe waxing. Toe shaving and toe plucking are also acceptable. Who wants man feet (Paris Hilton)? Man feet are the grossest kind of feet with their weird knuckly finger-toes, the patches of hair and odd toe nails. Ew. I'm feeling sick just thinking about it. With sandal season coming this is especially important. It's always amazing to me that women will shave their legs, but leave their feet hairy. Totally ruins an excellent shoe.

So as a public service, I'm going to review shoe/feet rules for summer:
1) If we're going to see your feet, get a pedicure.
2) If you wear a size 9, buy a size 9. But don't just grab a size 9 off the shelf and assume it will fit, try it on!
3) If you teeter when you walk, buy a lower heel.
4) If you shuffle when you walk, your shoes don't fit. Or you're wearing bed room slippers again. Either way, buy different shoes.
5) If the ankle strap makes your ankle look like a sausage with a rubber band around it, skip the ankle strap shoes. Even the cute ones.
6) Tall girls should wear high heels. Boys love to be eye level with your boobs.
7) If any part of your foot protrudes from any part of the foot bed, your shoes are too small. Period. No "buts", I'm not listening and I don't care what you paid for them.
8) If you have hairy toes, you have man feet. Man feet are only acceptably shown at home and at the beach. By men. They are not to be seen in sandals. Ever.
9) A red pump is the little black dress of shoes. Always sexy.
10) If your heels look like a topographical map of the moon, buy a pumice stone and some Vaseline. Exfoliate, slather up and put on some socks until they're fit for public display. That may never happen, invest in ballet flats just in case.
11) Chipped toe nail polish is for trailer trash and Jerry Springer guests. Paint or no paint (buffed of course) are the only choices.
12) Unless you live in a hole, there should never be dirt under your toe nails. No, I take that back. Even people who live under ground should have clean nail beds.
13) Nail fungus? No one needs to see that, stick to close toes.
14) Finger-toes? Make sure you're not doing an impression of a harpy. You might need bigger shoes. Who care what the size is, the look is the important thing.
15) No socks + closed shoes = stinky feet. Buy some odor eaters if you must go commando. Or hook up with some "super low" or "no show" socks. Hanes sells 6 pairs for about $5.
16) Never, not even in Seattle are socks and sandals an acceptable look. This includes Birkenstocks and wool socks. Hippies. (hee hee, I'm a total hippie and I used to wear that look all the time with my flannel and combat pants, but not any more. I know better now.)
17) Sandal foot panty hose are not actually meant to wear with sandals. Peep toes are even iffy.
18) Unique, funky shoes are way cooler than $300 Nikes. Thrift stores rock for vintage shoes.
19) You don't need to pay a lot to follow a trend. In fact, cheaper is better for super-trendy items, that way when you're laughing at them in 10 years you don't feel guilty about giving them to Salvation Army.
20) Finally and most importantly Lee Press-On toe nails are never the answer.

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