Old Enough

Someday, when I’m old, I will not wear purple and a red hat, I will wear leopard print spandex, maribou and too much jewelry and say exactly what I’m thinking.

Because you know what sucks? Politeness. Sure, sure, everyone feels all warm and fuzzy and shit, but wouldn’t it be nice, just once, to say EXACTLY what you’re thinking?

For example, when you’re trying, politely, to describe someone, you would never say “The blonde with the big fake titties.” Instead, you’d say, “Um, she’s about, um, medium tall? With blonde hair? And um, really, um, BIG, um….blonde hair?” and then the other person would say “The one with the blue glasses?” and you’d have to think to yourself, “Who even LOOKS at her eyes with the twins RIGHT THERE?” and you’d stammer, “Uh, no. Not that one. The other, um, blonde one” and the other person would still be mystified because it’s not like there’s only ONE blonde in the whole world. But you know and HE knows, that if you just said “The one that looks like an aging stripper” you’d both know exactly who you were talking about.

Or what about when someone shows you Precious Darling’s school picture and the poor dear looks like Jaba the Hut in a sequined pink tee shirt? You have to say, “Oh my gosh! I can’t believe how quickly they grow up! Look! Right there in that tree! A penguin!” and then run for cover before they look back around at you. Because if you say; “I hear Jenny Craig has a children’s program. You should check that out. Oh, and for the love of God, tell her to SIT UP STRAIGHT before someone starts rubbing her belly for luck!” people get all butt hurt. Then, they say things like “I can’t believe you said that! That is SO MEAN!” because even though it’s true, it’s not okay and you are a bad person for saying it.

Unless you’re old. Then you’re just eccentric. Eccentric is okay. Eccentric is funny. Eccentric is “You’ll never guess what Miss Thystle said today”. Because believe you me, Miss Thystle’s already started making notes.