Tuesday, April 29, 2008


The danger of nuts...

So my friend L is on Atkins, and loves the "eat all you want of (x)" part of the diet.

So the other day she consumed about ½ lb of cashews. She was pretty pleased with herself and told me all about it. Then the next day, she tells me her poo looks like almond roca with little nut bits in it.

A couple hours later she starts farting out oily discharge. So she emails me that she's pooing some weird orange oil stuff like water out of her ass.

I'm a good friend so I try not to laugh. I ask her if she's taking that weight loss pill that causes "fecal incontinence and oily discharge", she says no. So at length, we email back and forth and she decides she's in some kind of medical emergency and leaves to go the doctor.

On her way, she washed out the deli container from her lunch, poops out some oil, scoops it up into the container and goes to the ER.

Where they do not want to see the poo water no matter how frequently or to whom she offers to show it. I think they were laughing in the aisles and the nut job with the mac & cheese container of poo water in her purse.

They take a full medical history; do a drug screen and several other tests before some one thinks to ask her what she's been eating.

"Uh," she says "Two scrambled eggs and black coffee for breakfast, a chicken breast for lunch and a piece of salmon for dinner."

Nothing out of the ordinary there, so they quiz her about food allergies while she offers to show them her oily poo water.

About four hours go and they decided to take a stool sample using a high colonic.

So they flush her out and are quite concerned by the white chucks in her poo.

"Oh that's just the cashews" she tells them.

So the doctor asks her how many cashews she ate and she tells him about a half pound.

Then the doctor starts to laugh and L is getting pretty pissed thinking that the doctor is laughing at her while she's dying and getting saline pumped up her kazoo with a garden hose.

"What!?!?! The fug is so fugging funny" she screams at him.

It was the nuts.

Apparently cashews are highly oily and by eating no fiber or starch her body had nothing to do with it but poo it back out!

There she is, red faced and bare assed getting laughed at by a doctor whom she just paid a $150 emergency visit co pay to.

Needless to say, she got dressed and bailed as fast as she could waddle out of there.

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