Tuesday, April 29, 2008

We'll Call it The Irish Family

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m not fabulously wealthy. While the obvious conclusion is that it’s because I do cross word puzzles when I’m supposed to be working, I have an alternate, more plausible answer.

It is obviously because I do not have an entourage, nor body guards, nor yet a band of menacing (but stylish!) thugs.

After a careful study of movies where the lead character (evil or not) was obscenely wealthy and somewhat feared, it’s become apparent to me that the key similarity was the presence of a large group of people whose sole role is to follow the hero(ine) around and be ready, at a moments notice, to perform a variety of supporting functions. Like look menacing. Or scrub toilets.
The real question here is not the do-ability of maintaining a large assembly of fedora wearing killers with names like G-Money and Pauley, but where does one FIND such a work force?
Prison, I’m sure. But then I’d have to go to prison, and I’m much too pretty for that. Not to mention women thugs haven’t got nearly the same cache’. Unless they have a song and dance number, a flawed heart of gold and a weeping angel tattoo. Then, we could triumph in a male dominated gun running world and still not smudge our mascara and everyone would secretly hope we could avoid capture before we retired to run a home style restaurant in Belize.
Hmm…but I want something tougher….the French Foreign Legion might be a place to look, but the whole Jean Claude damp mullet thing is SO 1989. I really need someone more Michael Clark Duncan in Daredevil with the pin striped suit and cane.

Maybe I should just run a classified ad.

“Wanted: Six former linebackers turned assassins. Must own dark colored suit, large fire arm and fedora. Duties to include: hanging people out of windows, disposing of enemies in creative ways, standing behind employer in menacing fashion, fetching things and massaging employers feet. Pay DOE but starting wages include occasional praise and homemade pancakes.”

I can’t see any reason that won’t work, can you?

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