Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Telling The Truth

It’s well known, or should be, that I am completely full of shit. In fact, fully one third of what I say on any given day is probably a complete fabrication. A good rule of thumb would be, the quicker I answer you and the more authoritative I sound, the more likely I am to be trying to dupe some unsuspecting rube into buying a line of hooey. I come by it honestly though, in my defense. My grandfather had all of us children convinced for years that his mother, a statuesque 4’10” was so short because her father was a leprechaun (fully believable given her Irish accent).
But one of my resolutions this year is to use my powers for good rather than evil (most of the time…I need a loophole, okay?) so to that end, I’d like to come clean about the following things I said in 2006;
I do not wash my hair with dog shampoo, it doesn’t have the same ingredients as people shampoo and it doesn’t leave my hair “super soft”
I do not roll my own tampons from cotton balls and kitchen string
My father doesn’t know Arnold Swartzenegger and can not “personally swear that his pet name for Maria is ‘Skeletor’”
My mother’s real name is not Morticia.
Neither did I change my name from “Sunshine Daisy” when I was seventeen to rebel against my hippy roots.
I didn’t leave my circus training program due to a bad case of vertigo and a love triangle involving the elephant trainer and the ring master.
I am not allergic to asparagus
Mullets are not making a come back.
Chef Boyardee was not a communist
Betty Crocker boxes were never used to send coded messages to Allied troops based on the color of Betty’s apron.
My sister never stole Madonna’s underwear
Anna Karenina was not executed along side her father Czar Nicholas
It’s not pronounced “Ka-Zahr”
Henry Ford probably didn’t wear women’s underwear
I have never been bungee jumping and that scar on my scalp isn’t from hitting the ground beneath the bridge
I can not fly a helicopter
I do know a guy, who knows a guy, but I will not “hook you up”
My friend Kelly is really a man and always has been.
I have never been infected with a tape worm
Chap Stick was not originally intended as a sexual lubricant
Any story that I tell that starts with “This guy I know” is a lie
My uncle never got high with Bill Gates at a laser show at the Seattle Center
Ulysses S. Grant didn’t invent the telegraph
Or flushing toilets
It’s not a well known fact that Martha Washington was George’s step sister
There is no rumor that Microsoft is responsible for a satellite malfunction that caused Hurricane Katrina
Mickey Mouse isn’t a revered as a God on an island off of Micronesia.
I do not have a tattoo of Guam on my left butt cheek
No one has ever confused me with someone famous and no hilarious high-jinks have ensued.
Okay. So that was nice and therapeutic. I feel good about getting that all out in the open. I’m sure there were more but these were all the ones I remembered.
Actually, this reminds me of that one time a guy I knew…….

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