Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Curiously White Lips

Have you seen those commercials for Listerine disolving white strips? Don't they look like the best idea ever? I mean really, white teeth in five minutes a day? Brilliant!

They come with simple instructions even, just three steps, (paraphrased)

1) Remove strip from package, the notch should be on the top right for bottom teeth and the bottom left for top teeth.
2) Appling to the bottom teeth first, using dry hands, gently press strip to teeth. Using steps one and two apply strip to top teeth.
3) Strip will dissolve in five to ten mintues, refrain from eating or drinking during this time.

What it *should* read is;

1) Using teeth, tear celophane wrapper from box.
2) Pick up strips that flew all over bathroom.
3) Using left hand firmly grip packaging while tearing with the right.
4) tear harder, because you're just mangling the packing
5) Give up and try using teeth
6) Give up and use scissors.
7) Squint at packing trying to find strip. Couldn't they have at least made them blue or something?
8) Go look for glasses
9) Find glasses in laundry room, locate strip on right side of package
10) Gently peel strip from package
11) Get stuck to fingers
12) peel off fingers
13) Open mouth wide, lower lip sticking out
14) Press strip to teeth
15) relax lip
16) try to peel stip from inside of lip
17) try to peel strip from fingers
18) wipe gummy strip from fingers on towel
19) pick lint off of sticky fingers
20) Wash hands
21) wipe hands with alcohol
22) Wipe hands with finger nail polish remover
23) dry mildly sticky hands
24) open another stip (using scissors)
25) Hold lower lip out with left hand
26) press strip to teeth with right hand
27) Gag because finger tips taste like polish remover
28) peel strip from inside of lower lips
29) scrape gummy wad of strip off inside of lip, lips, chin, fingers and shirt with finger nails
30) wipe fingers with polish remover
32) Open another strip
33) hold lips out
35) Scrape strip from inside of cheek
36) Brush teeth
37) Thow away 6 remaining stips and wad up reciept for $23.97
38) Call "comment line" leave bitter message.

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