Pity The Foo'

Before the Flannel Years, I was a card carrying child of the 80's. My average outfit consisted of two shirts, a sweat shirt, a denim jacket with 35 pins, a denim skirt, leggings, two pairs of slouch socks, Keds, two hair scrunchies, a head band, seven earrings, three necklaces, twenty rubber bracelets, three friendship bracelets, a SWATCH watch, an anklet, seven earrings and a nose ring. Believe me; I understand that sometimes More is More.

But this isn't the 80's anymore. Even Cyndi Lauper, Mr. T and Madonna have toned it down.

Apparently, this message has missed much of America. Everywhere I go there are people dressed like they've just fled their homes wearing every piece of jewelry they've ever gotten, every handbag, satchel, pack and bag they could carry and every tee shirt from the bureau. We look like a nation expecting a sudden out break of mandatory strip poker games. Even Vogue and Glamour are promoting that you layer necklaces and stack your bracelets, double up on broaches and wear scarves as belts AND headbands.

Does no one remember elegance? I think in this area the French are a good model. French women are more likely to wear one perfect piece than three so-so pieces. Isn't that a much better idea? Wearing one beautiful item, something so perfect that people will stop you and admire it. If you're wearing thirty seven gold pieces you a) look like a pirate and b) are so shiny that nothing stands out.

I'd like to see people wearing more matching jewelry too. Necklace and earring sets against plain tops. Ooh or matching bracelets and rings! Or rings and necklaces! I'm all excited just thinking about things matching.

Sunglasses are another area that's gone desperately awry. Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton are to blame for this. What the hell are those skanks famous for anyway? MK & A Olsen should be flogged for those stupid giant granny glasses. I hate those. I really, really hate Chloe Sivgney's stupid white framed glasses and any version of aviator mirrored glasses (Mariah Carrey, are you listening? You're not The Ice Man!). I'm all for trendy frames but you've got to pick a shape that matches your face! Every fashion magazine EVER has run at least one article on picking the shape for your face can people not read? I know, there should be an alarm that sounds when people try and buy ugly glasses and some trained sales person can run over and steer them in the right direction. That'd be great.

Any one who knows me knows that I have a 40 gallon Rubbermaid full of purses and that it won't stop me from buying more. Or from buying shoes to match them. And a wallet, a cell phone cover and a tote bag (for work, it's totally a business expense). Purses are the icing on the outfit if you ask me. I love them. I covet them. I horde them. I hate that "famous" people insist on carrying suitcase sized purses. I know that the old adage "A lady doesn't carry a purse bigger than her head" is obsolete, but if you need to hire a Sherpa and a pack mule to haul it around you should consider not lugging so much crap everywhere you go.

In conclusion, this is not the 80's and you if you not a gypsy, a pirate or an Elvis impersonator try to not be visible from space. Okay?