Moving On

Today has been just the kind of day that is required to cheer me up.

M got up and out the door on time and there was no traffic so I wasn’t even late for work. I knew that I had a delicious lunch of Hawaiian BBQ waiting for me and the line at Starbucks was short (I had a free drink thing my friend Amy gave me).

When I got to work, the stuff that I had handed around for corrections was all done and I had some great emails; including one from my twin about how she has the “biggest ass in Nevada” a fact that attracts a lot of positive, if lewd comments from the boys at the Navy base.

MP came into my office about ten minutes after eight and asked “So, Brandon wants to know if you like him.” (Brandon is her best friends’ brother and one of the kids from her Special Olympics team. She’d brought him by the office yesterday afternoon and introduced him to all of us.)

“Uh, well, there’s that whole husband thing to consider” I tell her.

“That’s what I told him. He was pretty upset.”

“Awww, that’s so sweet!” I say, because even a “special” boyfriend is better than none at all. The lack of guile he possesses makes the complement that much more genuine, and I was truly flattered. For about twelve seconds.

“Yeah, well he’s over it. He thought about it and said ‘that’s okay, I guess. She’s fat. I didn’t want to say anything, but she’s fat’”

At this point we are busting at the seams laughing. Spoken just like every other red blooded man that’s been rejected.

“Oh my God!” I manage to stutter.

“Oh it gets better, all night he was asking about you. He wanted to know every thing. But since you have kids, he said you’ve got too much baggage for him!”

“Nice MP! Is this what you’re teaching him? That you pick up chicks by calling them fat and saying they have too much baggage! Good going!”

“Well at least he wasn’t staring at your boobs like this (she does a dead on impression of him) all night! I thought this lady at the baseball game was going to knock him out! I kept going (motioning to look up) to him all night!”

Tears are rolling down my cheeks I’m laughing so hard.

“But they were big old fake ones, so he was just staring away!”

“Well then, she had it coming! I am a little upset he’s cheating on me already though!”

“Yeah, well, you’re fat!” she says as we completely lose it.

Sometime later, this story having gone around the office to much hilarity (at my expense, I suppose, but what can I say? Funny is funny!) my office boyfriend comes in contritely to ask if I was breaking up with him for Brandon.

“Of course not” I tell him “he never offers to take me to the Salvation Army for dinner!”

“Oh that’s good, ‘cause now I don’t have to go to the cemetery to get you flowers so you’ll take me back.”

I tell ya Peeps, it does a girl good to know that she’s got options in the world.