Good News!

I know you will all be pleased to know, that Mall Bangs are not dead! Alternately known as "wall" bangs for the solid Aqua Net poof that stands straight up on your head, these fashion statements are still alive and well in Phoenix!

Isn't that fantastic?

Here I was starting to think that literally everyone had the exact same piecey bob with side swept long bangs and over plucked skinny eyebrows, but NOT SO! Mall Bangs exist!

I was spending an idle hour thumbing through the Valley Scene photos on www.azcentral.com 's "Yes" section, and I found them. And many other unnerving things.

For example, when did it become fashionable to leave the house with no makeup? Not even powder? The shiny red faces and "natural" eye make up sported at even the fanciest events was enough to turn my stomache. I blame Cosmo's endless articles about "fresh faced" looks for this. I mean really, overly dark, overly plucked eyebrows DON'T count as eye makeup. Neither does Chapstick count as lipstick. You are not "dewey and glowing" you are greasy and shiney. If you are going to wear a $1000 dress, spring for the Clinique! Heck, spring for the Maybeline! Note to these women, YOU ARE NOT A SUPERMODEL FOR A REASON. Wear the make up. Do it for the rest of us.

Also noticed, was the endless parade of hand on hip, hip thrust forward stance photo's. One particular photographer had EVERY victim standing in this pose. Here's a tip for you, if your hips are the same width as your waist, this isn't a flattering way to stand. Neither is it flattering if you have a foopa. Don't draw attention to this area. Pose with a glass of champagne held at just below the bust height. Draws eyes up. On the same note, if your belly button is being squished on all sides by fat, causing it to be more than 1/4" deep, then the only person that needs to see it is you. If your shirt ends at the top of your pants and you have a front butt, find a longer shirt and leave it untucked. Make it fitted, but not tight so that it skims. Much less likely to gross out those of us that have to look at you.

I also noticed that people from Scottsdale are more prone to wearing fur and having brassy hair and magenta lipstick than any where else. Tweens from Scottsdale also have nicer clothes and more expensive purses than me. Scottsdalian's are also prone to knowing exactly where they bought that uglyass sequined cardigan. Not that we want one.

Oh, and clothing from the 80's isn't "vintage". It's not old enough. It's still just second hand. Calling the suede bat wing jacket you bought at Goodwill "vintage" doesn't make it fashionable. Okay?

Further more, just because Hillary Duff got rabbit teeth style veneers doesn't mean you should. And just because Jessica Simpson gets a fake tan for awards parties, doesn't mean you should. And just because the tie front shrug looks cute on Brittany Murphy doesn't mean it won't make you look like Britney Spears. Post Federline and pre-Sean Preston. Yes, I mean it makes you look pregnant. So stop wearing it!

Don't get me started on the men, either. (oh great, you got me started). If you paid $5 at Wal-mart for those rubber sandals, they are made for the shower. Anything made for the shower, shouldn't be worn in public. Cause your man feet are hairy and nasty, and I bet you didn't even trim your tree sloth toe nails either.

So let's review,
Mandals = not okay for public.
If you wore it in the 80's don't wear it now. Even if Glamour says you can.
You're not fooling any one by standing with your hips jut forward. We know you have a tummy, accept it.
Britney Spears is NOT a fashion role model. If she wore it, you shouldn't.
No make up + Expensive fancy event = tacky
Rabbit Teeth are only for the Easter Bunny.
And most imporantly, Take a damn shower and comb your freakin' hair before you leave the house!