In Review

Today it will be 95* here. For those of you who aren’t good at science, it’s the temperature of boiling point of water. It’s the temperature at which homeless people begin to bathe in public water features. It’s the temperature at which fat becomes liquid. And not in a good way.

In the spirit of summer, I think it’s only fair that I discuss some of the most pressing fashion faux pas of the season.

1) If your feet in any way resemble those of Bilbo Baggins, you should invest in a pedicure.
2) Just because you can get it on, DOESN’T MEAN IT FITS. For the love of God people, if you have to use PLIERS to zip your pants you NEED BIGGER PANTS.
3) If you bought your swim suit for Cancun, Spring Break ’92 it’s time for a new one. Especially if it’s neon. Or has a tiger printed on the front.
4) If your toes eek over the lip of your shoes and scrape upon the ground like a Harpies’ claw, BUY BIGGER SHOES.
5) If you can braid your leg hair, pit hair or back hair get a wax, get a shave or get a snow suit. I know, it’s very French and the French are very chic and all, but they also eat snails. I’m just saying.
6) Men wearing tank tops better be life guards or they better not be leaving the house.
7) Now is not the time to forgo undergarments. Sweaty underboobs lead to rashes and there is nothing sexy about boobs that smell like cheese.
8) If your naked vajayjay comes in contact with a sun-baked vinyl seat, you’ll need the Jaws of Life, a drum of Vaseline and a herd of firemen to remove you. I don’t think you want to be filling out THAT insurance claim, do you?
9) I don’t care where you live (cough SEATTLE cough) you do not need to wear socks with your sandals.
10) Tie Dye is no one’s friend.