Wednesday, April 30, 2008

In Which I Am Helpful

In the coming year I will be part of at least three weddings. In the ten thousand years that I have been married, there have been so many changes to what is and what is not cool/accepted/done/considered bat shit crazy that I am having a really good time enjoying the spectacle. Also, because I'm not paying for it, I have no problem suggesting things like this

I know. Awesome, right? And the Disneyland Dream Wedding package that it comes with is only $45,000! A bargain.

What? Too Much? Fine.
I am also enjoying the search for dresses. Not my own personal search for this dress though.
Looking for this dress is proving to be a gigantic pain in my wobbly ass. But I digress, and if I digress much further down this rant, I may start to foam at that mouth and gnash my teeth and rend my hair from my scalp, which sounds both painful and unattractive.
So really, what I am saying is that I enjoy finding and sending out suggestions like this one;
Pretty freaking hot. I mean who doesn't want to look like Gay C3PO made their dress? No one who's cool, that's who. I would look simply freakin' smashing in that dress. Delightful and not at all like a partially deflated Mylar balloon. And it's CLASSY. Am I right? I know.

So yesterday while I waited for M to finish her insufferably long meeting, I entertained myself flipping through the bridal magazines at WalMart, including the very entertaining "500 Fabulous Wedding Hair Designs!" not hair styles, chickens, HAIR DESIGNS. Let me tell you, it did not disappoint. I'm thinking that this one is probably my favorite

If for no other reason then she looks like she snatched the wig off of an aging and drunken French Hooker. The runners up though are equally fabulous.

You have so many wonderful options for your big day! Big Ridiculous Hair Thing? Check! Random tendrils that make you look like you ran all the way here from the best-mans hotel room? Check! Clairs clearance "rhinestone" necklace artfully off centered and pink foam curlers ringlets half combed out to cover your Van Halen neck tattoo that you got in South Padre during spring break 1989? Check!

But maybe affixing things to your head isn't your thing? Maybe you're having a theme wedding? Like, say; Trailer Park Barbies Mermaid Stripper Dream Wedding. If that's what you're planning then I would say that this look is for you.

Too much garish makeup, home perm, odd tendril bangs, "pearl" ribbons? Check, check, check and CHECK. It's got everything. It's lovely in a Miss Boise 1989 kind of way. It says, "I slept with the entire set of Grooms Men and I don't care who knows! Except if you could NOT mention it to Trailer Park Ken that would be so, like, TOTALLY fab of you! I will totally hook you up with some Chesterfried next time you stop in the Feed n' Go!" And that? That's a good look on EVERYONE.



1 little kittens say Meow:

Nadine Hightower said...

How did you know about my Van Halen Tat????

My exsister inlaw had blue satin dresses for her brides maids....and I think I cut mine...I was Matron of Honor... up and made the girls Pjs outta of it. So it was recycled!!
And Yes, I did have a fling with the Best Man!!
I'm a Ho...and Not to Proud to say it!!