Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Signs You're Too Desperate

A friend of mine is single (isn't that how these things always start?) and is considering personal ads as a potential place to find a date.
"I don't have TIME to trawl the bars!" She tells me.

So at lunch we're surfing Craigslist personals, the only personals our work computer doesn't block, and are laughing ourselves positively SICK. It's no wonder many of these guys are single! In addition to typo's some say clever things like "I got my shit together" and "I need someone emotionally stable, therefore I prefer you not be overweight" (oh, sir, you clearly DO NOT know your audience!").

So just in case any men out there (and I suppose ladies too) are considering a personal ad, here are some tips from me to you -

* Do not post only shirtless pictures of yourself. Especially if the viewers first impression will be "I wonder if that sweater is mohair?"
* If you DON'T want gold diggers, the only picture you post should not be of your house.
* Posting a picture of your Porche makes your small weiner that much more obvious.
* Don't post photo's of your underpants. Especially if it's ONLY a picture of your underpants (no head or legs). GROSS. You're clearly a dirty little pervert. Women know these things.
* Don't post three pictures of yourself each with a different woman. Uh, we KNOW they aren't your sisters.
* Posing with an AR (assault rifle) doesn't make us feel warm and safe. Even those of us that can identify your "little black rifle" for something more than just a "big gun!"
* Your drivers license photo is maybe not the best looking one you ever took. Or at least I hope not.
* Saying things like "I'm not going to worship you" isn't helping your case. You might as well just say "my ex dumped me because I wouldn't eat pussy."
* Advertising your yearly income is declasse'
* No one believe you love "long walks in the rain (and) rubbing (your) feet"
* Posting a picture of your dog is kind of sweet. But not if he's got a dead duck in his mouth.
* Blacking out your face in the photo makes us wonder if we've seen you before...on Cops.
* Any man who wears a pleather cat suit is creepy. No exceptions.
* If you're wearing the same expression in every picture, We think "Overboard" where Goldie Hawn's picture from when she washed up is photo shopped on to the other pictures. That or you've had a few too many shots of botox.
* "I only have one problem and I mean this with all seriousness... I am a sex addict" = I DON'T THINK SO.
* Posting only photo's of your Eminem teeshirts is not cool.
* Doing the "Westside" gang W hand signal especially when you're white is ALSO not cool. Shocking, I know.
* The "'sup BIATCH" face and a white sleeveless teeshirt is not sexy.
* If your ad line is "kind of weird and kind of stupid" we will believe you.
* Posting more than one ad smacks of desperation and desperation means potential PSYCHO. No thanks!
* Posting a picture of a celebrity you "look exactly like" means you're clearly delusional.
* If you are wearing socks and Teva sandals you are lying when you describe yourself as "athletic/outdoors type".

and finally, but importantly

* There's a word to describe a woman who "is only looking for a hookup while (I'm) in town" and that word is HOOKER. MMkay?

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