Tuesday, April 29, 2008


Some time ago I let M sign up for an email account. Well, actually, I signed her up so that I would know her password. I check her account every couple of days and it’s mostly back and forth bitching about school and comparing who gets to watch what and who’s dating whom (on the OC or something). But every now and then I come across a real gem, like this one: (I deleted the names)

So I was talking to my friend b yesterday {we're partners in ccrime at home and by home I mean arizona} and for some reasen I started rambeling on about my plan to take over the universe and Inslave the earth hahahahaha theare was alot of EVEL and I don't mean evil I mean EVEL cackleing and then I thought ya know b's not a EVEL mastermind I should e-mail T she wants to take over the world to we should work together.

Step 1.get good grades in school and go to the militery acadamy and become hi ranked officer
Step 2.Learn valluble goverment secrets
Step 3.when the goverment let's us go home for a while to see are family's I will contact them from my EVEL lair which is built inside a volcano on an uncharted Island somewhere over the pacific ocien and hold all the goverment sercrets for a ransome and treaten to tell them to enimy countrys if they do not reach my list of demands within 48 hoars.
Step 4.As soon as I get everything on my list of demands I will keep moveing from country to country until I have control of the whole world then inslave it and continue to be an EVEL dictater who rules with an Iron fist
Step 5.People who I don't like or have displeased me will be brutaly flogged then ripped lim from lim then left out in the middle of the desert so they can die slowly and painfuly.
Step 6.Live forever so I can make peuny mortals sufer.
Step 7.Only people who I reqally like and I guess family won't be inslaved.

And we all live unhappily ever after the end.

I noticed a number of alarming things.

a) This kid can’t spell. Good job Public School systems new “total child” education plan. That’s working out great. Not only does her handwriting look like Sanskrit, she can’t spell for shit either. But she can “conceptualize number patterns”.
b) She should probably watch a lot less “Austin Powers” and “Pinky and the Brain”.

Then last night, in the car she was telling me all about this plan. I asked “Why do you want to take over the world” and you know what she replied?
“Why not? Lots of people have tried but no one’s accomplished it, so I could be the first. Plus, I would never have to go to bed when a good show is on again.”

Sound reasoning I guess. And the plan *does* involve staying in school and getting good grades, so I can’t really quibble with it too much. Other than the part about ripping people limb from limb and leaving them to die in the desert. I suggested that she think about being a benevolent ruler instead, because everyone was always trying to kill “evel dictators”.

She thought about it and said “Okay, you can be Arch Duchess of Canada and in charge of making people think that I’m a nice dictator, but I’ll still be secretly evel.”

So I asked “What if I fail? I mean come on; people are bound to notice you’re evel after a while”.

After a moment she though about it and said “I guess I’d have to demote you to peasant then.”

Nice. Even the mother of the dictator isn’t safe. I wonder if there’s a support group? We could have a catchy name like “Mothers for Understanding Dictatorial Evelness” or “D.U.D.E” for short. We could even get shirts made up that said “My Kid tried to take over the world and all I got was this crappy tee-shirt” and we could meet in a church basement and compare casserole recipes and drink coffee and knit bomb cozies.

Maybe Mother Hussein could bake the cookies….

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