Do You Hear What I Hear?

8:00AM - Today I left home with out my wallet. No cash, no card, no drivers license. I will have to live the entire day destitute. I have no lunch and no Diet Dr. Pepper. I may not make it through the day….
8:10 AM – I found half a warm DDP in the trash, and drank it. It had a ciggy butt in it, but that’s okay because I am very hungry. Ate the ciggy butt.
8:12 AM – I feel weird. That may not have been a ciggy butt 8:15 AM – Can anyone else here that?
8:17 AM – You really can’t hear that? It’s coming from the light switch. It sounds like singing.
8:22 AM – I just unscrewed all the switch plates, out let covers and unplugged all computer equipment. I still hear singing. It may be elves.
8:38 AM – I have carefully cut holes in all the walls. Don’t worry, you can’t see them, I only cut them in the base boards.
9:12 AM – I am lying on the floor with my eye to one of the holes. I definitely see something moving in there.
9:36 AM – Still lying on the floor. Did you know that if you stick your finger in your belly button and then smell it, your finger will stink like belly button? Belly buttons do not smell very good.
9:41 AM - I am getting weak from hunger. I will attempt to find sustenance in my desk drawers.
9:45 AM – Ketchup soup is not as delicious as it sounds. 9:46 AM – Neither is barbeque sauce & saltines sandwiches
9:50 AM – Year old jam packets are excellent when paired with relish packets from Sonic and spread on croutons from Wendy’s.
9:something – Seriously, you can’t hear that?
10101010110 – Look! Bionary. Buyohnerry. Byondary. Beonce’ Bi-on-harry. Bi on harry…that sounds like a porno.
10:05 AM/PM – There are 441 holes in each ceiling tile. Don’t you think it should be an even number? Who the hell decided to put 21 holes per line? I am going to poke one more hole in each tile.
1)5:30 – Rolling chairs do not make good ladders
Star Date 79912637462 – what the hell does that even mean? That Cap’n Crunch guy sure got a lot of ass for a fattie though didn’t he? He got more ass than a toilet seat at a rest stop.
10:22 AM – I am giving myself a Sharpie Tattoo. It looks cool. I spelled it wrong the first time though, so I had to cross it out and start over.
10:25 AM – There are 467 tissues in the Kleenex box. Not 500. Those lying bastards.
10:25 AM – Toe Jam doesn’t taste like jam.
10:46 AM – I can’t believe you don’t hear that. You’re messing with me! They’re saying “Bacon is Elvis and Elvis is God and God is Bacon”.
10:50 AM – If God is made of bacon, shouldn’t they use Bac’n Bit’s for the Host instead of bread?
11:11 AM – If Elvis is God do we all have to wear sequins in Heaven?
11111111111111111 – If you staple a ream of paper end to end, it only will reach half way around the office, but if you staple an entire case of paper end to end it will go around 6 times.
1212124350874395 – Stapled Paper Streamers are a “waste of company money”
944949494198509lzekngsnrj – My kitties breath smells like tuna
19873 – If you tell a manager to “Shut your noise hole, I’m trying to sleep here” you get a permanent record in your employee file.
Jesus Am I still here? – The Elves told me that there were sandwiches in the cupboard, but it turned out to be Post It Notes. They were kind of dry, but not inedible.
12:60 PM – My fingernail polish is the exact same color and my panties. That color is invisible. Just kidding. It’s purple. I love purple. If I was a color I would be purple. I bet purple tastes like chocolate.
Lunch Time – When you answer your work phone “Miss Sexy speaking what can I do you for?” all you get is silence.
1:1313131313 – Singing is not acceptable work place behavior. Even when it’s Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”.
1:34 PM – Hard Hats make convincing prosthetic boobs
2:01 PM – Red Sharpie lipstick is both flattering and easy to apply.
2:14 PM – It’s hard to Xerox you face with out smashing your nose in some funny way
2:25 PM – Someone needs to shut those damn elves the hell up. If I hear “Lola” one more time I’m going to kill someone.
2:33 PM – If you duct tape the bathroom shut and the receptionist is inside, you have to answer the phone yourself
2:49 PM – If you lick the end of a battery, you get shocked. Every time. Even the twentieth.
3:16 PM – Elves do not actually make cookies in trees. They make them in shrubs. Bring me a shrubbery!
3:333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 PM – the number “3” looks like a butt
3:42 PM – In the event of a water landing, I’m fucked. My office chair doesn’t float for shit.
3:78 PM – The Spin Doctor’s pee-pee won’t talk to you. He says so in the song. I’ve never seen a talking pee-pee. I wonder what it would say. I bet pee-pee’s wouldn’t have a lot to talk about since they rarely get to see anything but caves and urinals. Did you know it’s called “spelunking” when you lick someone’s taint? I don’t know why though. The taint isn’t very cave like. Now a hu-hu, that’s caveish.
Is caveish a word? It should be.
“Gosh Marsha, you really need to get some light in this room, it’s so CAVEISH”
See, it’s a good word. Caveish. Caveish. Caveish
16:16 The Elves asked Chuck Norris if Elvis is God and Chuck Norris said that he is God. Does he mean that Chuck Norris is God? Will we all have to do spin kicks in Heaven? Maybe they are co-Gods. Then all the angels could wear sequined jump suits and do spin kicks and eat Bacon sandwhiches.
16:17 PM – Schlemiele, Schlmazal, Hotsiepeppers incorporated – Have you seen my stapler? It’s a red one. It’s a Swingline.
16:19 PM – Elves can change themselves into invoices at will. Put I shut those little punks up for good. Try to un crosshatch shred yourselves. HAHAHAHAHAHA
4:30 PM – Thank goodness. It’s finally time to go home. I can’t believe I made it the whole day! I am so proud of myself! Me and Keeb’s are headed out for drinks. I think short men are where it’s at after all.
That stupid whats-his-name at QT can just kiss my behind. Keebs and Me are going to live in a hollowed out cactapus. It’s kind of tight in there, but all you need is love, right?
Well, love and Diet Dr. Pepper.
Okay, love, diet Dr. Pepper and lots of money.
Keeb’s is LOADED. I didn’t know bakers made that much money, but if you’re paying your staff in tiny shoes and tiny hats (most of those elves are gay. Did you know that? Explains a lot.) and tiny wee Coach luggage you have plenty of profit left over for spending on your girlfriend.
I sure am glad I ate that ciggy butt this morning. If I hadn't I would never have gotten so much acomplished. I just can't focus when I'm hungry, ya know?