Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Oh Yeah? Well...Shut Up!

While sitting on the couch, my husband announces “you’re weird” and while I’ll present this as though it happened spontaneously, I’m sure it was in relation to something.
“I AM NOT” I reply, because, of course I’M NOT.
“Yeah, you are. Very much so, even”
So like any woman confronted with an argument that is completely WRONG and not worthy of a well thought out rebuttal, I say;
But will he let it drop? NO. Of course not, because he has a penis and therefore must always have the last word. So, I insisted that he name one single thing about me that’s weird.
“You TiVo Amanda Bynes movies on the ABC family channel”
“You’re thirty.”
“That’s not weird, plenty of people find her charming. PEOPLE OF ALL AGES.”
“You order a double cheese burger and a diet coke”
“I don’t want to get fat. Everyone knows diet coke cancels out all other calories”
“While you were laughing at the girl on American Idol who thought that confidentiality meant her degree of confidence, you sprayed half-chewed Honey BBQ Frito’s all over a copy of Guns & Ammo”
“That’s not weird, it’s the American Way.”
“You sing to the dog”
“He likes it, just ask him”
“You have a picture of (office mate) mooning you as your cell phone wallpaper”
“She bared it, so I’m sharing it”
“You name things”
“How is that weird?”
“Uh, you named the printer Precious?”
“But it is my Precious….my precious”
“You just quoted Lord of the Rings”
“Um, SO? You knew what I was quoting.”
Then, for the briefest moment, he closes his eyes and says;
Which TOTALLY means that I won.

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