Thursday, September 4, 2008

Wednesday Child is full of Woe

Despite the fact that I make a point of being easy going; despite my oft espoused belief that kindness matters, I am not, nor have I ever truly been, a positive person.

Not at all deeply below my friendly veneer rests a chain smoking, whiskey swilling, cat hoarding old lady in grocery store “suntan” colored baggy knee high stockings and Visa! The Freedom Fabric permanently creased slacks, a flowered blouse with “pearl” snaps and a hair-do that defies both gravity and taste.

As a general rule, I can keep that old coot under control with only occasional and mild outbursts of sarcastic bitterness.

But not always.

Right now, Ouiser (that’s my old lady name, “Ouiser”) is pretty vocal. Every time I write a post it can be effectively translated to “GET OFF MY LAWN YOU DAMN KIDS! AND STOP THAT LAUGHING BEFORE I TURN THE HOSE ON YOU.”

I’m not totally sure why Ousier has decided to take this opportunity to lecture you about the wasteful nature of not washing out and saving your Ziplocs and why now, of all the relatively peaceful times, has she decided that the fact you’ve not got a Kleenex neatly folded and tucked in your sweater sleeve is a good reason to glare balefully at you from beneath her drug store bifocals, but there it is.

So it’s not that I don’t love you, my invisible imaginary internet chickens, it’s that Ouiser needs her mental Metamucil.

In the mean time, I will be rocking on my pixilated front porch, sipping virtual cocktails if y’all want to stop by and say howdy.

I promise not to let Ouiser turn the hose on you.

Probably.

Unless you’re wearing a white tee-shirt, then GAME ON.

11 little kittens say Meow:

Lorrie Veasey said...

I know... Let's mix up two Old Fashioneds and give each other permanants. If you let me eat your maracino cherry, I will loufa your corns.

Miss Thystle said...

Only if we can go the Early Bird Buffet at the casino for dinner and then play bingo.

Debbie said...

Do you by any chance remember that Wendy's commercial where the rather unisex woman from the cold war days came out in the same faded drab outfit and said, beach vear, party vear, etc? When my father in law wears his white t shirt to the beach, my husband and I just look at each other, crack up, and say beach vear. Love those white t's.

Nadine Hightower said...

Okay shoot me with the hose!!!
Trust me you'll love it!!!

Lorrie Veasey said...

I'm in for The Early Bird but need to be home by 6 to catch Murder She Wrote.

You dirty bird, you.

kwr221 said...

Damn. Again. Following Lorrie.

kwr221 said...

Can I just say, I SWEAR I don't have a tracker that tells me when and where Lorrie comments. CrossMyHeartAndHopeToDie. Really.

But :::ear perk::: did I hear Old Fashioneds?

I'm in. I'll bring the nuts.

Miss Thystle said...

this is shaping up to be a real nice pity party after all. I'll pick you girls up in the Buick at 3:45 sharp. Bring your big purses so you'll have lunch for tomorrow.

Jane-Fay said...

Ummmm... how do you pronounce that? Just so I don't say it wrong in my head and piss you off big time.

Miss Thystle said...

You pronounce it 'Wee-zah". With a mandatory Southern drawl.

Darlene said...

I have one word for you.

PedEgg.

Ewwwwwww!

Anyways, I think I was abducted by Aliens and I just got back after months of being probed and stuff.

Or I was in prison. Yeah.

Miss you anyways!

Don't hate me cuz I am addicted to Pogo. They freakin released Monopoly and I have been relentlessly pursuing my virtual fortune. I had 190 million the other day. Yeah, I am AWESOME!