OMG Y'all

I can't even begin to express how terrible this Thursday has been for me.

Cracky my Beloved Black Berry died this morning.

Not, like "oopsie doodles, the battery's not charged!" dead, like actually not functioning anymore. Like, scroll all you want, you're going nowhere sister, dead. Like, oh? you have 26 messages? And you can't see them? SUCKS TO BE YOU dead. Like, Ed McMahon is calling because you won a billion dollars? TOO BAD YOU CAN'T ANSWER, dead.

Do you think I've backed her up on my desktop? Do you think that the computer I spend the day chained to will even LET me back her up? Do you think that rebooting, taking the battery out, crying and tearing at my hair has made any difference? NO. No, of course not.

So I called "Polite but Not Very Helpful Unnamed Provider", heretofor known as "Verizon" for a solution to this world shattering situation and do you know what they said? "Oh, I'm sorry that you're having an issue, we can send you a new phone, but since it's a long weeked the estimated delivery date is WEDNESDAY".

And then? Then I started to hyperventilate. I broke out in a cold sweat much like a detoxing junkie and started to moan unitelligable things like "twwwwiiiitttttterrrrrr" and "teeeeexxxttttsss" while rocking back in forth in a fetal postion underneath my desk.

Just as I was getting ready to slit my wrists with my letter opener, the operator told me that she would comp me overnight FedEx service because I had been a Loyal Customer for Many Years.

Thank god.