If Wishes Were Belly Buttons

I just signed up for a blog group called “The Group Blogging Experience”. Every week you get a topic. This week is “Wishes”, so here goes.

I wish I had a beautiful belly button.

I know, I know. It seems a little vapid. But I’ll explain. Promise.

If I had a beautiful belly button, it would mean I lost the weight that I should have lost years ago.

Which would mean that I finally managed to get off my ass and make it to the gym regularly.

Probably because I solved my inability to get motivated.

So chances are I have gotten my depression in check finally after nearly 20 years.

In all likelihood, that means, I’m at least content with life. Maybe even happy.

Therefore, I’m probably ALSO doing all the other things that I always say I will, but never do. Like finishing that novel. Or learning to knit. Or you know, cleaning my house more frequently than I have birthdays.

If I had a beautiful belly button, I’d probably stop saying mean things about people. People like super models, for example, whose lives are OBVIOUSLY very difficult. You know, with all the standing around being pretty and waiting for it to be time to eat their daily raison.

If I had a beautiful belly button, I might wear a belt. Then my ass crack wouldn’t hang out of my pants, causing massive traffic pile ups when the sun glints off of it.

If I had a beautiful belly button, I’d give to charity. Dozens of fat orphans would have designer jeans and adorable tops to lift themselves out of poverty with. They’d probably go on to get jobs, go to college and do something amazing and meaningful they might not otherwise have accomplished. Like curing cancer! Or maybe bring about world peace! Or make gas affordable again so that I don’t have to consider selling my plasma to be able to afford a quarter of a tank. Or maybe they would invent a way to teleport from place to place so that we completely reduce our dependency on fossil fuel for transportation, thereby reducing the effects of global warming and SAVING THE WORLD.

So that’s why I’m wishing for a beautiful belly button.

It’s for the good of all mankind, really. It’s very selfless of me; NOBEL even.

I know. You’re welcome.