Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Done

I know, I know. This blog isn't about my whining and complaining and all my DRAMA. Because no one but a llama likes the drama.

It's no secret that things at my house aren't....good. Haven't been good for some time. It's not all my husbands fault. These things are never just one persons fault. Ever. So while I paint myself as the victim in all of this, no doubt there is another side to the story. There's always another side.

But this is my blog. And this is my side.

We've been together for eleven years, eleven months. That's almost all of my adult life. There is almost nothing major left that we haven't gone through together. Financial messes, lost jobs, moves, illnesses, deaths, major surgery, arguments over the temperature of dinner, buying a home, buying a car, going back to school, picking paint colors and inside jokes. There is no part of my current life that doesn't have something to do with my husband. It's called marriage. That's how it goes.

But.

For almost that entire time I have chased my husband. I've done literally everything that I could think of to MAKE him pay attention to me. It's been years since he saw me in pajamas for longer than the half hour before bed because I know he doesn't like "casual" clothes. It's been years since he's seen me un-made up, hair a mess, chipped manicured and un-shaved legs. Save when I'm sick. And even then, I comb my hair and shower.

When getting his attention in a positive manner didn't work, I'd fight with him. Because at least then he NOTICED me.

A year ago, when I was at my breaking point, I lost my shit. Like, LOST IT. In a fit of rage, I packed what I could and I was ready to leave. I'd had enough. I shouted (which I rarely ever do. I don't like shouting.) that this, this wasn't working. We were broken.

He told me it was ME that was broken and I believed him.

What else did I have? Everything inside my head was a mess. *I* was a mess. I knew I was a mess. Was it possible that it was just me? Of course.

But it wasn't just me. Of course it wasn't.

It's taken me a year and a shit load of pharmaceutical intervention to realize it's NOT me. *I* am not broken. Bent, yes. I'll concede to bent. REALLY, REALLY, bent even. But I am not the whole problem.

And also?

I don't care anymore. I don't care if he shouts at me. I don't care if he doesn't shout at me. I don't care if he pays attention to me and I don't care if he ignores me. I find it annoying when he whines and I want to smack him when he's an ass, but I feel the same way about the people on television and the checker at Wal-mart. It's nothing to do with him personally. I simply...well. I'm done.

Last night, when he started in on my again with the you don't pay attention to me line of whining, I couldn't do it anymore. I told him I didn't care. I told him he hadn't paid attention to me in YEARS. That any time he DID pay attention to me I am suspicious of his motives.

I told him that I am done.

But, then, of course it gets more complicated. That's how it works, isn't it?

HE isn't done. He's not ready for ME; for US to be done. And I? I just don't care WHAT he wants.

But then again, of course I do. I don't like to admit failure any more than anyone else does. I don't know how to separate my life from our life. Everything we own, we own together. Everyone we know, we know together. When I go, because I will, and likely soon, will our friends still be my friends? What will people say? What will *I* say?

What can I say?

There's nothing TO say. Sometimes things get broken. Sometimes there isn't glue to fix them.

Sometimes, you just need to know when to be done.

20 little kittens say Meow:

CK said...

:Hugs:

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Sorry to hear you're going through this. {{{Hugs}}}

Lin said...

I'm sorry things are tough. But you're right, sometimes things are so broken that there isn't enough glue in the world to fix them. People grow apart & it takes a strong person to realize when it's time to move on for both parties sakes. *hugs*

Nadine Hightower said...

Much Love and Hugs.

Sheila said...

i don't know what to say, but know i'm thinking about you. and wishing you strength and clarity right now. in the immortal words of BJ...love your guts!

Baylee and Blair's page said...

Girl... I have had a feeling about this for a while with you guys! You deserve better than that! All women do! Keep your chin up and keep your positive attitude! Don't worry about the small stuff... everything will fall in to place should you separate! It always does!

BIG <<<>>> - Tiffany

ZDub said...

Damn. I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say except you are welcome at my house anytime. I have wine.

OneCraftyFox said...

I think the women always get the short end of the stick in the relationship. Since you and I are complete strangers, I don't know if this is an outlet for you to rant or if you are really at that point. But whatever it is, keep your chin up and stay strong. I hope it works out for the best for you both in the end. I know three couples who are going through the same thing... must have been something in the year 2009's air supply! :)

Lorrie Veasey said...

Pack your bags and get your ass out here to NYC Thystle.

Zak may have wine, but we've got recreational drugs and paid sex workers.

Big Hugs.

rpc said...

Never listen to anybody who tells you that YOU are broken.

Your friends will still be your friends - anyone who isn't wasn't your friend anyway.

KAErk said...

*hugs*

OHN said...

If YOU are broken, why does HE want to stay?

I have always heard you should never leave a marriage when you are angry. You know it is time to leave when you can walk away because you don't care anymore.

I am sorry you are going through this, but glad that you have made a decision. It is one step toward a new life.

Anonymous said...

Miss Thystle -Your story sounds so familiar to me. I got married at the ungodly age of 18 and things went downhill from there. But no one in my family had ever been divorced, so I kept trudging on. After 3 kids and years of unmitigated hell (not from the kids), I had enough. I realized I wasn't the horrible person that my husband had been telling me that I was and that I deserved some happiness. I finally escaped and am now happier than I've ever been. My only regret is that I waited so long. Good luck to you!

kwr221 said...

I'm here! In Phoenix! Call me and we'll drink wine - or tequila!
And? Sadly, I could almost have written your post. we need to talk. And make plans for NYC.

Susan said...

Sorry about your marriage. You can be my Valentine. Happy Valentine's Day. Hugs.

Bad Asian said...

I'm sorry about what you are going through, but YOU aren't broken, and I'm glad that you have come to that realization. Big hugs and much love.

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Chibi Jeebs said...

First off, bent is beautiful. ;)

Secondly, I agree with everyone before me who has stated that YOU are not the broken one - I don't care if we're only getting your side of the story: I don't buy it for a millisecond.

And third, they say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. If you don't care anymore, it's done.

Love you. Lots. <3

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