Friday, February 26, 2010

See

I am sitting on the kitchen counter and you stand between my knees. Talk to me you say but I stare over your shoulder. My eyes skip from the worn spot on the cabinet where my hand has opened it a thousand times to the wonky headed black construction paper cat with the yellowed scotch tape tacking it to the door of the cabinet adjacent to it. You get angry because I am ignoring you, but really it's just that I do not want to look at you for fear that I will begin to shout and not be able to stop. There is power in self control that I dare not let slip.

The phone rings and Charley tells me something that doesn't matter and then scolds me for having gotten out of the car the night before to pump the gas as you sat in the drivers seat, ungallant.

How many times have I done that? How many times have I balanced a dozen bags and unlocked front door to bring in the groceries as you sit on the sofa and don't acknowledge me? How many times have I folded the laundry while you complain that I am rolling the socks incorrectly? How many times have I rushed home to do your bidding and how many more times have I called someone other than you when things go pear shaped, because you can not be bothered with me?

This is what I want to say; You don't see me. I know you won't hear me either and so I let my eyes focus on the dust that swirls in the breeze of the fan and say Nothing is wrong even though we both know it's a lie.

10 little kittens say Meow:

rpc said...

You are strong. You will get through this. Whatever YOU decide to do will turn out to be for the best.

OHN said...

Someone needs to read this, as it is written. You can't move forward or backward until unsaid things are said.

Chelle said...

"How many times have I balanced a dozen bags and unlocked front door to bring in the groceries as you sit on the sofa and don't acknowledge me? How many times have I folded the laundry while you complain that I am rolling the socks incorrectly?"

OMG. My ex husband. This is EXACTLY my ex husband. This whole post.

Chelle said...

It never ever got better. EVER. Until I kicked him out. I've never cried a tear for him since. Not that I'm saying this is a solution, I don't know you or the ins and outs of this. Just relating.

Chelle said...

PSS.. My new relationship is 29384293429 times better. Even if he cuts the baby's bangs. That's the worst thing that has happened to us in 4 years.

kwr221 said...

:::::sigh:::::

Lin said...

If he's doesnt 'see you' you need to find someone that will hon. Staying together for all the wrong reasons doesnt make it right. I'm sure your trying to sort stuff out & that includes your feelings so whatever you choose to do just make sure it's better for you. *hugs*

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm so sorry. :-(

Martie said...

I did this. For 19 years. 19 years and NINE MONTHS. and 4 kids.

I lost every shred of self esteem. And felt frozen. Lost. Alone.

I left him in January 2007. I am now married to a true partner. Who gets on my nerves. But he doesn't try to control me.

Hang tough. You can do it. And you KNOW what you need to do... Need a place to stay? Come to Texas. Bring your kids. We have 7--a few more won't matter.

Hugs

Baylee and Blair's page said...

You deserve SOOOOOOO much better than this! You are an amazing and strong person!

Hugs - Tiffany