Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Battle of the Bowels

It's Poosday! Hee hee Tuesday, Poosday, get it? Yeah, you do. Good for you.

Ok, so this really probably only applies to women because from what I can tell, guys could not care less about taking a dump in front of other guys. In fact, it's probably who can drop the biggest, smelliest, toilet clogging load there could ever be. High five to you.

Here's the situation. You're sitting at your desk, working away, and all of a sudden you feel the urge to go and do a #2. No problem. You don't have an issue #2-ing at work, so you head over to the public washroom. As you walk in, you see a pair of legs sitting in the middle stall. As you walk in, you listen for the tinkle-sound or the pulling of toilet paper or rustling of clothes that tell you it'll be no time before you can start releasing the hostages.

You sit down, get settled, and notice that you haven't heard a sound from the stall next door. Is she just drip-drying, or is there something more sinister going on in there? As you're patiently waiting for her to finish up, you realize that she's not drip-drying. She's not even fumbling with a tampon.

She's mid-poo.

And she's waiting for you to leave to finish.

The problem is, you're waiting for her to leave so you can start. It's far too late to hike up your pants and come back at a later time, so it becomes a contest of stamina. Who's going to cave and poo first?

It's been a good two minutes since you sat down and there's been no action. You decide, fuck it, I'm going to offend Mrs. Stall #2. I'm going to drop the rankest turd the world has ever seen and she's going to wish she bit the bullet and shit before I got started.

Unfortunately, you chicken out from dropping Offensive Poo and you sniff, cough, blow your nose, rustle your pants, ANYTHING to stifle the sounds of your logs and/or pellets hitting the water. You can only do this so much before you realize that it's pointless. Your shits are going to be heard. You suck it up and drop freely, and once you're done, you feel quite good about yourself for being brave enough to have your shitting be heard by another human being. You wipe, pull your pants up, flush, and head out to the sink.

Unbeknownst to you, from the second you flushed Mrs. Stall#2 started shitting furiously so she could emerge from her stall in time to see who held up her unloading. As you dry your hands, you see her head out of her stall and towards the sink, giving you the side-eye like you'd just stuck anal beads in her husband's asshole while playing the Pussycat Dolls' "Dontcha" in the background.

It's ok, all that furious shitting has left Mrs. Stall#2 a little tender in the derriere, so call this an overwhelming success for you. Congratulations.

Happy Poosday!

7 little kittens say Meow:

blairspage said...

OMG... this was SO me when I worked! I COULD NOT go unless I was the only one in there! Why is that with women? After all, we GIVE BIRTH and go through all of that embarrassing stuff. You would think we could shit in front of someone!

Farting, Burping... I have no issues doing that in front of people... but, SHIT, I WILL NOT!

Hugs - Tiff

♥georgie♥ said...

OMGosh!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!! because I can so relate...and this post 'sorta' goes with my XX XY restroom post for today...it's fate I tell ya

Bobby's Dream said...

I don't think I can even comment. There is NO WAY I could do it in public. NONE.

I am just too cool like that.

Bj in Dallas said...

I have an unspoken oath that I don't do that away from home. Well maybe McDonalds. But thats just in extreme emergencies.

hilarious, BTW, sorry I missed Porn Day. I was busy watching Porn.

Quercus said...

Now THAT was funny!!
It's true that guys may not wait for their neighbor to leave the stall beside them, but a lot of guys I know (myself included) usually won't step up to a urinal if someone's standing at the one right next to it. It's like a buffer zone.

Ruby said...

I don't even know where to begin, other than by saying I know exactly what you're talking about, sister!

sheila said...

I can pretty much go wherever, whenever. I prefer no audience, but if you gotta go, you go. It's not healthy to hold it. I know, I know, TMI.

Liz, you're damn funny!!