Monday, February 23, 2009

Monday is Porn Day

Today was porn talk day, right? Or is it tomorrow? I'm pretty sure it's today. I can't wait to get old. If I'm this forgetful now, I won't even be able to remember if I wiped my ass 3 seconds before when I'm 50, so I'll be an old dementia-ridden pervert with either an overly-chafed ass, or a really smelly one and skids all over my underwear. Wait, shit talk's for tomorrow.

Ok, so my first porn experience came when I was 18. It was my 18th birthday, in fact. I was so excited at the prospect of being able to walk into a porn store and actually be able to rent a porn, so I did. I had a few of my (younger) friends with me, and we settled in with some popcorn and probably Nibs and Coke, cause that's how we rolled, and we pressed play on '00Sex' (like 007 Bond-style).

Oh. My. God.

Throw a bunch of virgins in a room with a German hardcore with a lot of grunting, hairy men in it and women with no hair anywhere is one of the stupidest things you can do. If you want to scare your kids out of having sex, show them this gem right here. I lost my virginity 6 months later, but trust me, it would have happened a lot sooner had I not watched this. When you're not familiar with just how raunchy sex is, all slapping and wetness and gaping assholes really terrifies the shit out of you.
I'd like to have sex again sometime soon, so I'm going to stop talking about this now. Our porn session for the day is now complete ladies and gents.

In other news, did anyone see Ben Stiller pretending to be Joaquin Phoenix at the Oscars last night? Shit on a popsicle stick, I almost actually did wee in my ginch when I saw that. When he started roaming around the stage it looked like he was looking for a suitable place to take a nice long piss. He should have taken a piss in that beard of his is what he should have done. That thing was like Bounty 17-ply.

I have a secret for all of you out there who, like me, don't do drugs, but would like to experience a little 'strangeness' every now and then.
I have a little obviousness for all of you out there who, not like me, LOOOOOVE doing drugs like they're cupcake sprinkles and you're 5.

Alcohol + NyQuil.

I first experienced this on my birthday this year. I can't remember what I was thinking about, but I remember it was weeeeeeeeeeird.
When I had a drink with dinner then went home and had NyQuil, it didn't make me fall asleep. Oh no. I fucking tripped out like I'd been guzzling down the Jesus Juice and chasing it with Bethlehem Brownies at Michael Jackson's. Last night, I had wine with dinner, and once again, took NyQuil before bed, and all night thought, "I have to get to the Oscars! Have to get to the Oscars! I'm an accountant and I have all the envelopes! Angelina's going to steal my shoes!" Yeah, exactly. Tripped the fuck out. Things get colourful though, I will tell you that.

Oh, also, I had a dream I hooked up with one of the students I work with (it's ok, I work at a University so he's my age. I'm not fondling little chilluns or anything) and it was hoooooooooot. So, if there was a point to this story, I guess it would be, if you want to have a vivid sex dream watch 00Sex, have some wine, then take some NyQuil, and you'll have some pretty weird dreams. Oh, and don't forget, JIF is the safe peanut butter.

PS. Since the post is supposed to be about porn-ish type stuff, here's a video for you. The words are NSFW, but the visuals are oh so suitable for eeeeeeeverything:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqXi8WmQ_WM

Jon Lajoie's "Show Me Your Genitals"

2 little kittens say Meow:

blairspage said...

OMG... HOW FUNNY! What is it with things on your birthday? LOVE me some Nyquil... and once again WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING dammit?

Hugs - Tiff

Bobby's Dream said...

If that was my first PORN experience I think I would still be a virgin....wait...I AM A VIRGIN...hehehe...yes, my son came from the baby store.

You are HI-larious oh keeper of the pigs.