Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Stupid-ass Wednesday

And so it is, the day to talk about stupid-ass people. Fuck, I could talk about stupid-ass people all damn day long. I could talk about stupid-ass people until all my teefs fell out and my tongue dried up.

So, I had to get a new doctor because mine moved way the fuck up into the North end of town in a totally inaccessible area. I searched the directory for doctors accepting new patients and, as luck would have it, they are all male. And not only that, but they're all males freshly off the boat from India that you can barely understand. I shit you not, that's all that's available. So I made an appointment with one.

I have a physical with him today (full physical; we're talking tit-rubbing, pap smear-having weighing on the scale FUN) and woke up with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach about him. So, I Googled him. Turns out he doesn't believe in having a female nurse in there with you while he's fumbling around with your naughty bits. Turns out he doesn't even believe in the female patient wearing a shirt while he holds a stethoscope to her back to listen to her breathing.

Stupid-Ass Person #1 - The Nurse at the Doctor's Office
Granted, not entirely her fault, but she could have been a bit more understanding.
I called earlier this morning and made up a story that I'd just started my unexpectedly early period so I couldn't make it to the pap.
"Oh, well, you were scheduled for a full physical so you'll have to come in anyway, and he'll do everything but the pap."
FUCK. Creepy Indian man's going to be feeling up my tits after all! Not only that, but he's going to be weighing me and measuring me and touching me and looking in my earholes and in general being 10 inches too close to me at all times. Not impressed. The nurse did reschedule a pap for me with a female doctor, so she redeemed herself a bit, but she's still a stupid-ass for not letting me cancel entirely. I am so dreading this appointment.

Stupid-Ass Person #2 - The Idiot from Toronto Who Can't Read English
Basically what I do for work is I advise potential law students on what they have to do to get into our law school, and furthermore advise the ones who are already in on how to wipe their own asses, because somehow they've all forgotten.
Ok, back to Stupid-Ass #2. Let's call him Roger Chow, because I think that might have been his name. This douchebag writes me a long-winded email claiming he read our website but can't find some specific information, then proceeds to rattle off all these questions, which the answers to are in fact on the first page of our website. Anyasshole, this douchebag proceeds to email me another 5 or 6 times in the period of about an hour basically asking me the same things over and over in different ways. By the 6th email, I've quite sufficiently lost my patience with him, so not-so-nicely told him that he can't get into our law school on a part time basis because he doesn't fit the criteria of what we consider as being 'deserving' of part time status. Haven't heard from him since.

Stupid-Ass Person #3 - My Headband
This fucking thing is so fucking tight! It's squishing my brain, and it hurts! Take it off, you say? Brilliant idea; the only problem is, after 5 minutes of wearing it, it's so tight that it already formed a stupid-ass looking crease in my hair, so if I take it off now, it'll sure as fuck look like I've been wearing a brain-constricting headband all day and let's face it, people with the headband hair line look stupid.

Sorry if this post wasn't funny. Let's see if I can fix that. All last night I had a booger way in the back of my nose that wouldn't come out no matter how hard I blew (I'm getting over a bad cold so am Pocahontas Manyboogers). This morning, it was still fucking there. It wasn't until I'd been at work for about half an hour that I gave one hell of a nose honk and it came out in all its immensely-thick-yellowy goodness. Boy, that was satisfying. LOVED IT. Yeah, no, that wasn't funny.

I'm going to use this hump day to get humped by a donkey, I think. NOTHING seems as bad as the inappropriate fondling I'm about to get at the doctor's office.

5 little kittens say Meow:

OHN said...

You may be getting felt up, but I am the one that has to listen to him murder the English/medical language for 5 hours, trying to make a cohesive medical report that will save his sorry ass in court when someone sues him.

Bobby's Dream said...

Thank you for that Liz. It is loverly to live vicariously through you. Boogers and all.

Bj in Dallas said...

I can so relate to the doctor thing, I had a gyno one time that after diagnosing the problem said he was going to 'fix it' so I didn't call him over the weekend because he had a big golf tourney.
Then instead of any surgical devices, I was, at that point, convinced he shoved a curling iron into my va-jay, so he could make it to his tee time. Fucker.

Can't help you with the booger thing. Don't poop in public places either. Good luck to ya.

blairspage said...

Yeah, I don't think I would be going to any Dr. while there a female wasn't present. TOO MANY freaky things that could happen there.


Blonde Goddess said...

Am I the only one who enjoys those special visits to the doctor? Dr.Butt Pirate is the shit! I can't wait to visit!