Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A trip to Button's Brain

This is Button. Well, his real name is Max, but he chooses to be called Button. Why? Because dogs are weird.



Every morning, when I get up, the minute the alarm goes off, he jumps from the bed and begins to dash back and forth between the bed and the door. The following is a true account of what goes on inside his brain during the first few minutes of the day.

OMG! The singing! it's back! That means it's time to GO OUTSIDE! Do I want to go OUTSIDE? Yes I do! I Do! I want to GO OUTSIDE! Why isn't the Mom moving? Why is she smacking the singing box? It's time to GO OUTSIDE. OMG. OMG. OMG! We must Go OUTSIDE. RIght now. NOW. OUTSIDE OUTSIDE OUTSIDE.

Thank Dog, the Mom is moving! YES! She will let me GO OUTSIDE. I must get to the door before that infernal puppy! I run! I Run! There is the door! It's in the same place as yesterday! WHERE IS THE MOM? Why won't she hurry? I must find her.

THERE she is! Yes! She is in the hallway! I will show her the door! There it is! WHY IS SHE MOVING SO SLOW? I MUST GO OUTSIDE. OUTSIDE. OUTSIDE.

STOP TOUCHING ME PUPPY. I bark at you! BARk! Bark! I must go outside! Now! This instant! WHY AM I NOT OUTSIDE YET? WHY? Why won't the Mom move faster? I must fetch her! She is still three feet away. Here, Mom, here is the Door! The door to OUTSIDE. Where I must go! Now! LET ME OUT LETME OUT LETMEOUT!

YES! I am outside! I am out....what the fuck am I doing out here? I don't want to be outside! LEt me in! This instant! Where did that woman go? I must go INSIDE. INSIDE not, Outside. Who the hell wants to be outside? Outside is cold! There is no bed out here. I must get inside! I will scratch the door! Yes! I am scratching! WHERE IS THE MOM? I will bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark! That means "let me inside" in Human. OMG. I am still Outside! I will DIE. DIE I TELL YOU, if I am not inside this instant!

THERE! There is the Mom! She will save me! She will let me INSIDE! Why is she wet? Is it raining? Is the roof leaking? I must protect the Mom from the inside rain! She doesn't know the danger she is in, I should bark again! YEs! Bark! Bark! Bark! That is human for "don't worry, the Mom, I will save you!" She is so grateful she will give me a cookie! No! Two cookies! No, TWENTY COOKIES!

Who is Shut The Hell Up? Is there another dog out here? I must check! No need to go inside now! I must do an INVESTIGATION of this BAD DOG. I will find him! Yes! I am outside to find BAD DOG! I run! Run! Why is the Mom chasing me? Is it to give me huggles? That must be it! I will run to her! I will put my paws on her! Why is she yelling? Is that human for Good Button?

I am a GOOD BUTTON! I will run to the kitchen to get my cookie! No, my TWENTY cookies! Where is the Mom going? THE COOKIES ARE RIGHT HERE! I will chase her! Here, the Mom! Come here! OMG! NOOOOOO!

She's back in the inside rain! That woman is so weird! Doesn't even know enough to get out of the rain!

8 little kittens say Meow:

OHN said...

SHUT THE HELL UP lives at our house too!

Nadine Hightower said...

Sooo funny!!!
I had a schnzr once that when it was time to go out, she would stand on my chest and put her nose on mine and stand there until I started moving to get up. She was better than any alarm clock. Though heavier.

sheila said...

My dog hears the alarm clock too, and decides that NOW is the very best time to SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH so that every tag on his collar makes the most noice ever. Until I yell his name -- Murphy Stop It.

Our old girl, Callie, would sleep until noon if you let her. She was dreamy...

PearlsOfSomething said...

Ugh! Mine were up at FIVE THIRTY this morning. They no longer wait for any kind of music or buzzing. @@

My toddler can often be heard chanting "Shu uh boyz!" @@

Eric said...

Doggie doors are your friend

Maelstrom said...

It's no wonder Button is confused so often, you do some really strange things.

KAErk said...

haha, this had me in tears. my dogs are like this two, just imagine two dog voices saying the same thing. oi! too funny

Lorrie Veasey said...

BEST POST EVAH Thysilicious--you are true genius when you write about the animal kingdom.

One question/one comment:

1. Do you call him Butt for short?

2. When I was six my older sister made me eat a dog biscuit covered with peanut butter. At first, she told me it was a new kind of cookie--three bites into it she pulled out the box with Lassie on the front. I ran to my mother to tell on her and get revenge. Mom was playing Bridge with the ladies and they all had martinis. Mom and the bridge ladies laughed their asses off.

O Gawd, I thought I had suppressed this memory. Damn you Thystle.