Monday, July 27, 2009

What the?

You know how when you get a new medication they give you a big old list of things that will go wrong and somewhere on the list is always "AND MAY RESULT IN DEATH"? Well, Ambien has warnings like "may result in amnesia". No shit. Among reported side effects are "sleep eating" (not awesome) "sleep driving" (kind of awesome) "sleep sex" (awesome for the spouse) and so on. Basically, if you were doing it, or even thinking very hard about it when you fall asleep, you run the risk of doing it while you sleep.

And not remembering it.

I've been taking the controlled release version of Ambien for a while now and I've not had any thing too weird happen. Except that time when I woke up and the entire contents of two book shelves were piled in leaning 6ft towers on the coffee table and then oddly topped with tennis balls. But that was more awesome than weird and I'm still a little pissed I didn't take a picture of it.

This morning when I woke up I noticed a laundry basket full of clean clothes sitting on the desk in my bedroom and I thought "FUCKING SCORE! I can sleep and still do laundry! High Five Ambien!" but then I checked my text messages and saw one from my husband "used the last laundry soap. Can u buy more? thx"

So, clearly, I'm giving sleep blow jobs.

8 little kittens say Meow:

Lin said...

lol...my husband was going to take ambien but decided against it due to all the side effects.

He's already weird as hell, I dont need him sleep walking/cooking/gun cleaning/building stuff while he's supposed to be sleeping & then not remember it. I can only imagine being woken up by police sirens cause he's outside in his bday suite gardening or something.

He's had insomnia for the last 20something yrs, what's a little more?

Nadine Hightower said...

too funny...at least he did something!!
And Lin...send the unused ambien my way...I don't care about side effects...I WANT TO SLEEP!!

Ruby said...

I need to get my hands on some Ambien if my actions during sleep will get the damn laundry done! I kind of wish that you had taken a picture of the stack of books, too.

Kr√ęg said...

Yeah, my ex-wife took Ambien. I'm not getting into any specifics, but people on Ambien will do ANYTHING you ask/tell them to.

Organic Meatbag said...

Ha! Great stuff... "sleep sex" as a possible side effect...
My brother once got a prescription for a stomach ailment that reported possible side effects such as:

Mask-like features (what the fuck does that even mean??)
Lip-smacking (mmmm, mmmm!)
and Prolonged and painful erection (yeeeowwwch!)

Roth Wriscey said...

I also don't take Ambien for fear of gun-cleaning. Even without drugs, I have been recently informed that I am "Mr. Happy Fingers." And that when I finally get them where I want them, I grunt out a satisfied, "Mmmmmmmmm!" And then I continue sleeping with them there.

She said, "A. It's kind of annoying. B. It's kind of nice. And C. It assures me that I don't have to worry about you turning gay on me."

I also cooked a gourmet meal asleep once.

Blonde Goddess said...

You crack me up!
ok...now seriously...if you give hubby a blow job he does laundry?
How did you train him to do that?
Mine will only snore afterward and demand that I not use his chapstick.
What am I missing here?

Mamacakes said...

Sleep sex... I can do that without Ambien! That's how my husband and I had sex the first time LOL! No seriously, now I may have to go blog that story... right now...