Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Not So Handy Annie

I am not so much about the whole "home improvement" thing. I blame my parents for this. My mother LOVES home improvement. She's always dreaming up things for my daddy to do. New decks, new flooring, finishing the basement and so on. My dad, who loves calculation and elaborate planning and reading instructions above all things, is happy to comply. Especially if it means concrete. That mans LOVES concrete. Dozens of my childhood weekends were spent "helping" with whatever grandious scheme was currently under way. You know as well as I do anything you're forced to do as a kid results in absolute avoidance as an adult.

However, as a homeowner, from time to time my standard technique of "ignore the problem until it either goes away or Daddy comes for Christmas" doesn't work. My husband, while very mechanical, is completely incapable of home projects. I don't know why. I suspect it's because he loves metal and the house is made of wood. Maybe it's just because he knows I'll do it. Because if I could get someone else to do it? TOTALLY would. I'd stand around and chat and bring lemonade and even give a back rub when it's completed, but the whole Handy Manny thing eludes me.

This weekend though, I had to go to Home Depot. Now, when I say "home depot" I mean it the same way I mean "any stick on bandage" when I say Bandaid. It's a generic noun meaning "giant building full of expensive things I don't understand".

I bought what I needed and headed home. Turns out I DIDN'T need it. Armed with the original package and the receipt, I swung by the HD closer to my office on my way home.

I strode purposefully up to the return counter and smacked my receipt down on the counter.
The bored looking pink haired, pierced lipped girl looks over the receipt and then says to me

"I can't return this."

Seriously. What the hell am I supposed to do with some stupid thingamagigie?

"Yes, you can." I inform her in my best I am a manager voice. You know, the same one you use with your children. The one that says, YOU WILL NOT ARGUE WITH ME, MISSY.

"No. I can't". She says again

"Why the hell not? I bought it YESTERDAY. I have the receipt, which clearly states you accept returns UNCONDITIONALLY. I need to see your manager."

She eyes me up and down and says

"I can't return it because you didn't buy it from Home Depot. You bought it at Lowes."

13 little kittens say Meow:

Ruby said...

Clearly pink haired girl has never heard of CUSTOMER SERVICE. She should be fired.

Eric said...

I would have said sure I could right after we merge with Lowels

Jane! said...

I'm still dumbstruck by the idea that your mom could get a man to home improve. Did she by chance write a book outlining her method?

Roth Wriscey said...

I once busted into a Baskin Robbins like Kramer and said, "I gotsta have that Bluberry thing I just saw in the commercial!" The girls laughed and one said, "We'll make it for you as soon as we are Dairy Queen."

Lin said...

lol, that's classic!

CK said...

Too bad you didn't have a nordstroms. though i think even they've backed off from their famously liberal return policy over the years.

and Dad sure does love concrete, doesn't he? Though I seem to remember some Don Knotts book that nearly lead to a divorce because of bad concrete instructions.

Bj in Dallas said...

this has nothing to do with your post, but Paula Abdul is on David Letterman and her head looks extremely large on a teeny body.
Reminds me of those Mini Sirloin Burger midgets.

we are waiting on a meteor shower. I would rather watch paint dry.

ZDub said...

This is so something I would do.

Too funny!

And my husband won't do shit around the house either. I know he can do it, he just won't.

Bastard.

Kr√ęg said...

And you let that stop you? You should have chewed them out for not being the correct store, and then demanded they change their name immediately.

Nadine Hightower said...

Okay...Here's How I Remember It.

Lowe's are Blue.
Home Depot's are Orange.

I haven't had a problem since.

Lorrie Veasey said...

You shouldn't have shown her the receipt. Just told her it was "A Gift." I've heard that works.

Red is Target
Walmart is where fat people in fanny packs go to shop.

Lorrie Veasey said...

ps
paula abdul is the nice judge

Blonde Goddess said...

HAHAHA!
I have totally done that!
Too funny!