Not So Handy Annie

I am not so much about the whole "home improvement" thing. I blame my parents for this. My mother LOVES home improvement. She's always dreaming up things for my daddy to do. New decks, new flooring, finishing the basement and so on. My dad, who loves calculation and elaborate planning and reading instructions above all things, is happy to comply. Especially if it means concrete. That mans LOVES concrete. Dozens of my childhood weekends were spent "helping" with whatever grandious scheme was currently under way. You know as well as I do anything you're forced to do as a kid results in absolute avoidance as an adult.

However, as a homeowner, from time to time my standard technique of "ignore the problem until it either goes away or Daddy comes for Christmas" doesn't work. My husband, while very mechanical, is completely incapable of home projects. I don't know why. I suspect it's because he loves metal and the house is made of wood. Maybe it's just because he knows I'll do it. Because if I could get someone else to do it? TOTALLY would. I'd stand around and chat and bring lemonade and even give a back rub when it's completed, but the whole Handy Manny thing eludes me.

This weekend though, I had to go to Home Depot. Now, when I say "home depot" I mean it the same way I mean "any stick on bandage" when I say Bandaid. It's a generic noun meaning "giant building full of expensive things I don't understand".

I bought what I needed and headed home. Turns out I DIDN'T need it. Armed with the original package and the receipt, I swung by the HD closer to my office on my way home.

I strode purposefully up to the return counter and smacked my receipt down on the counter.
The bored looking pink haired, pierced lipped girl looks over the receipt and then says to me

"I can't return this."

Seriously. What the hell am I supposed to do with some stupid thingamagigie?

"Yes, you can." I inform her in my best I am a manager voice. You know, the same one you use with your children. The one that says, YOU WILL NOT ARGUE WITH ME, MISSY.

"No. I can't". She says again

"Why the hell not? I bought it YESTERDAY. I have the receipt, which clearly states you accept returns UNCONDITIONALLY. I need to see your manager."

She eyes me up and down and says

"I can't return it because you didn't buy it from Home Depot. You bought it at Lowes."