Thursday, August 20, 2009

Phobia

As if there wasn't enough evidence of my mental illness, I submit to you the following evidence.

I am completely convinced that every time I lift the lid of the toilet, I am going to find a snake.

Seriously.

I can not pee in the dark. I can't pee if I can't see the water. I can't pee if I don't first look into the toilet to ensure that there is not, in fact, a snake coiled in the bowl waiting to lunge out and bite me on the hoo ha.

There is no basis for this fear. It's not as if I have ever found anything more malicious than an unflushed turd in the toilet. But still. THERE COULD BE A SNAKE IN THE TOILET, you just NEVER KNOW. It totally happened in that movie Snakes on a Plane and that guy got his weiner bit and then he TOTALLY DIED, y'all. DIED.

This isn't a fear that I admit to because my husband is an asshole who would find it terribly amusing to leave a rubber snake in the toilet just to hear me scream.

Just when I think I've talked myself out of it, just when I think that I am being irrational, I see this article.

Which includes this picture.





THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING SNAKE IN THE MOTHER FUCKING TOILET. It swam up the pipes. A SNAKE SWAM UP THE PIPES AND INTO THE TOILET. A real mother fucking snake swam into the sewer and up the pipes and INTO THE TOILET.

For reals.

I'm never going to pee again.

10 little kittens say Meow:

sheila said...

OK, and now I will never pee again.

Now I'm off to the store to buy Depends...

Kr√ęg said...

I'd say it was an isolated incident, but I'd be lying.

ZDub said...

HOLY. CRAP. That is TERRIFYING.

I saw a snake in swimming in the bottom of a toilet at the lake once. But it wasn't so much a toilet as a gigantic hole 7 feet down in the ground with a round metal seat on top of it.

It scared the shit out of me.

AND KREG YOU AREN'T HELPING, YOU ASS FACE.

Chibi said...

I've heard stories like this before and I, too, have to look before I sit. *shivers*

Lesley said...

I thought I was the only one who worried about those motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking toilet!

Now I feel less weird. But still, worried about the snakes.

Lin said...

Eww...I hate snakes! Especially snakes in a toilet. Ugh, I'm never going to be able to just sit down on a toilet again.

Racie Lover said...

I sure can't show this to Paco, who is deathly afraid of even cute, adorable little garden snakes. EEECK!

My father built an old-fashioned outhouse on our farm years ago and one day while we were cutting firewood I said I need to use the loo. He said "Well, now hold on there a minute, cause Farmer Jerry down the road found a black widow spider under the toilet seat in his outhouse, so I better just check ours first". Sure enough, there underneath the seat was a big, fat black widow spider, lying in wait for me to have a sit down. I decided to wait until we got back to town.

Thystle, the reason you are afraid of snakes is very Freudian, but I'm sure you know that. Do you have a sausage phobia, too, by chance?

OHN said...

I say we all go over to Kregs place and unplug his computer and keep him from doing any links from now on.

Nadine Hightower said...

Yes that happened once to a friend!! totally a holy shit moment!

My big toilet fear is those outhouses in parks, you know those with deep pits. As a kid we spent a lot of time at the lake camping and such those type of outhouse were every where. I wouldn't go to them at night at all. I'd rather walk down and pee in the lake but not those outhouses. I could imagine a man down in that pit with a mask and snorkel waiting for me to sit down and pull me into that pit of shit!!

when I told my dad all he did was laugh at me. Hey! It's my fear and it's real!
So I can relate to your snake thing.

Baylee and Blair's page said...

Girl... I TOTALLY do the same thing! Only because a friend of our's actually had this happen to him. After he got OFF the shitter he turned around to look (I'm assuming after he scoped out his turd) to see a water mocasin in the toliet! yikers!!!

Hugs - Tiff